A Friend's Loss

One of my closest friends lost his grandmother on Friday morning. It was the irony of ironies. Friday, September 1 2006 was also his birthday. When his mother called from his grandmother's house, he thought it was going to be his grandmother calling to wish him. Instead, he heard his mother sobbing and telling him of his grandmother's passing.

It was only when I texted him asking how his day was going that he told me what had happened. I dropped my work and went to his place. It took me an hour to get there since he lives a little far away from where I am. When I got there, it was a familiar sight. Many people looking out the window, staring into nothingness, the empty look with eyes set on the floor. I helped in whatever way possible. Doing the odd jobs etc. But I was most happy I could be there for him. He was there when my father passed away and was one of the friends who helped carry my dad's body during the last rites. Having people close to you around when the world seems to be slipping from under your feet makes a big difference. They may not fully understand your pain or your loss. But their presence does take away a little pain. I hope and pray for his grandmother, his mother whose has felt her mother's loss the most and the rest of his family.

On life's journey, there are no guarantees. Adi Shankaracharya, one of the great spirtual masters of India, said in his great work, the Bhaja Govindam, 'As water on a lotus leaf is very unstable, life is extremely unsteady.' You never know when the drop will go back to the pond.

The Break-Up

Caution: If you haven't watched the movie 'The Break-Up' *ing Vince Vaughn & Jennifer Aniston and are planning to watch it, stop reading this post now.

I watched 'The Break-Up' last evening and quite liked it. It's different from the usual romantic comedy. More real than most.

It's about this couple, Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston, who live together and how their relationship breaks down. Vince is this typical guy, untidy, comes back from work and watches TV while Jeniffer is the one who handles a job, manages the house and cleans up after him. Things spiral out of control one evening when their families go to their place for dinner. Vince screws up by not getting what Jeniffer asked for and one thing leads to another. Jeniffer breaks up in the hope that Vince will come around. Instead, both of them take a hard stand and refuse to budge. A lot of things happen until Vince realises he is also to blame for the situation. He comes out of his shell, tells Jen how much she means to him and apologises for screwing up and not appreciating her. But it's too late. Jen decides she's had enough and the two go their own ways. That is how it ends.

I identified with the movie a lot. Having been in a relationship for over five years and broken-up, I know what a big break-up feels like. There are many things that I learnt from the movie but I'll just touch on a few points.

First, I realised how selfishness and looking at everything from the 'my' perspective can reduce all your good qualities to nothing. For whatever good qualities I had when I was going out, I screwed up by taking a hard stand. And by the time I realised, it was too late. I didn't appreciate how much she did for me and even when I did, I probably didn't express it well enough. I was too self-involved and in the process lost someone that meant a whole lot to me. And it all came out of my fear. My fear of being taken for granted. I was so scared it would happen that I didn't give even what I should have, forget going beyond that. I never want to make the same mistake again.

The second thing that strikes me is that in most relationships where there are problems, both people are equally responsible for a break-up. In our eagerness to point out the other person's follies, we forget all that we do wrong. Introspecting is a difficult thing but it always helps to ask yourself 'Could I have done anything to make things better?'. More likely than not, the answer is 'yes'. I can definitely say that I could have and should have done better.

The last point that strikes me is a theme I have read about on many of the blogs I visit, that relationships come to an end some time or another. That every thing and every person has its/his/her time in our lives. And sometimes, you can do nothing but watch while the person walks out of your life. I experienced this first when my girlfriend and me broke-up and again when my father passed away. Like I said before, I could've changed things around in the first case but in the second, there was just nothing I could do. We tend to feel life has given us a raw deal but it is never so. What would life have been if I hadn't met my ex-girlfriend at all? How would life have been if I hadn't had the chance to spend wonderful years of my life with my father? It would certainly have been poorer. Both experiences strengthened my faith in that Higher Power that ordains the laws of life. Losing a relationship is never easy. But with faith, the pain becomes softer and the experience, one you can learn from.

How do you...

...tell someone just how much you love her/him?

...tell an old school-teacher the impact s/he has made on your life?

...express your gratitude to God for everything you have been blessed with when there is just so much that you have?

...watch when someone you care for is making a bad decision and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it?

...describe what you feel when you see the colours of the morning sky as the sun rises?

...tell someone what it feels like to lose someone you love immensely?

...explain what a great book/movie does to you?

Actions and words are so pathetic at times. Because our deepest emotions and thoughts can never be acted out or expressed. They can only be felt by another heart.

I'm reminded of this scene from Jerry McGuire where Jerry (Tom Cruise) is pissed off with Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding Jr.) for not playing well enough after an American football game. He calls Tidwell a 'paycheck' player with no heart. and this is what Tidwell says in response. I'm not sure you'll get the drift if you haven't watched the movie, but I'm hoping you have...

Tidwell:
"(Repeating what Jerry has said) No heart. (Beginning to yell) No heart??!?! (Pause) I'm all heart motherfucker!" (Storms into the team bus)

What a moment! See what I mean? I'll never be able to explain to you what that one line does to me. But if you've watched it, you just might know what I'm talking about. Just might.

The Party's at My Place Tonight

Mom's out of town, it's Friday night and it's time to unwind. IInd edition of the 'rave' (as my friends like to call it) at Ajeya's. Last Saturday was awesome. We had a some great cocktails made by a friend who went to this cocktail-making workshop, played 'Taboo', listened to good music and had fun people over. Some of the gang stayed over while the others went back to their respective homes. The Taboo was out of control. Fully competitive and, with most people being a few drinks down, elicited some interesting responses. :-D

Today's going to be bigger, better, badder! muahahahahahaha...

More people, more fun! You're invited! :)

A little joke to end with... The Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told to. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates. The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."

:-D Have a great weekend! And don't forget your party hat ;)

Turning 59

Yes, the Republic of India officially turns 59 tomorrow. We celebrate our freedom from the oppressive rule of the British who plundered our country for nearly three centuries. Yes, they gave us a lot but they took away much more.

As we look back at these 59 years, we can take pride in what we have achieved in the short time we have enjoyed our independence. Yet, there is a long, hard path ahead. And the magnanimity of the task is so enormous that there are times when I, as a citizen of the country, feel so helpless. Helpless about the bad roads, the rude bastard who sits across the counter at the government-owned telephone company telling me that I should have clipped the cheque instead of stapling it and throwing my payment back at my face, the corrupt politicians who milk the government of my hard-earned money to buy cars they don't need and homes they will never live in... beyond helpless, frustrated, pissed off that I have wait in line for everything, from getting admission in hospital for an emergency case to getting admission to kindergarden. Yet, there is much that I owe to the country.

The fact that I can type this, use the Internet, have access to water, sanitation, electricity, the best education the country has, a roof over my head, a safe place to go to after work, a safe place to work at... is glaring proof that I have received more than at least 800 million Indians. I have got the best that country has to offer. Yes, it may not be what I would ideally want but it's still the best. And with all I've got, if all I can think of is buying a bigger apartment, a fancier car and a megapixel camera cellphone, I'm probably doing myself the greatest disservice. Giving up my chance to give back to the country. There's nothing wrong with having my playthings. But it can't be the be-all and end-all of my life.

As a citizen who has received the best, it is a duty to give back my best. I have a responsibility to the nation. To give back. And I'm not talking about writing out a cheque. I'm talking about committing time and effort to do something about a cause that is close to my heart. If Mahatma Gandhi's dream could give us Independence, then what can't you and I achieve working together? On this Independence Day, August 15, 2006, I pledge that I will do whatever I can to do my bit for the country. I may not have the money to mobilise a huge movement, but I have ideas, dreams and some talent somewhere in me. It may not be a lot, but that's all I've got right now. And, for now, it is what I will give.

One quote that always inspires me is this one by Nehru, our first Prime Minister...

"A moment comes, which comes but rarely in history, when we step out from the old to the new, when an age ends and when the soul of a nation, long suppressed, finds utterance."

Happy Independence Day India!

Nature's Child

I'm a big nature lover. Not in the conventional sense. I don't know much about nature in terms of specifics but I love being outdoors, looking at the sky, the hills, the rain, the trees, grass (the real stuff!), birds, wildlife, the ocean... all of it. I'm reading this book on Sufism and I found this amazing letter believed to be written by Chief Seattle, one of the last spokesmen of the Native Americans, to the then President of the United States, George Washington who wanted to buy their tribal land. It's kind of long but if you have patience, I'm sure you will be touched. Here goes...

The President in Washington sends word that he wishes to buy our land. But how can buy or sell the sky? The land? The idea is strange to us. If we do not own the freshness of the air and the sparkle of the water, how can you buy them?

Every part of this earth is sacred to my people. Every shining pine needle, every sandy shore, every mist in the dark woods, every meadow, every humming insect. All are holy in the memory and experience of my people.

We know the sap which courses through the trees as we know the blood that courses through our veins. We are part of the earth and it is part of us. The perfumed flowers are our sisters. The bear, the deer, the great eagle, these are our brothers. The rocky crests, the juices in the meadow, the body beat of the pony, and man all belong to the same family.

The shining water that moves in the streams and rivers is not just water, but the blood of our ancestors. If we sell you our land, you must remeber that it is sacred. Each ghostly reflection in the clear waters of the lakes tells of events and memories in the life of my people. The water's murmur is the voice of my father's father.

The rivers are our brothers. They quench our thirst. They carry our canoes and feed our children. So you must give to the rivers the kindness you would give to any brother.

If we sell you our land, remember that the air is precious to us, that the air shares its spirit with all the life it supports. The wind that gave our grandfather his first breath also recieves his last sigh. The wind also gives our children the spirit of life. So if we sell you our land, you must keep it apart and sacred, as a place where man can go and taste the wind that is sweetened by the meadow flowers.

Will you teach your children what we have taught our children? That the earth is our mother? What befalls the earth befalls all the sons of earth.

This we know: the earth does not belong to man, man belongs to the earth. All things are connected like the blood that unites us all. Man did not weave the web of life, he is merely a strand in it. Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself.

One thing we know: our god is also your god. The earth is precious to him and to harm the earth is to heap contempt on its creator.

Your destiny is a mystery to us. What will happen when the buffalo are slaughtered? The wild horses tamed? What will happen when the secret corners of the forest are heavy with the scent of many men and the view of the ripe hills is blotted by talking wires? Where will the thicket be? Gone! Where will the eagle be? Gone! And what is it to say goodbye to the swift ppony and the hunt? The end of living and the beginning of survival.

When the last Red man has vanished with his wilderness and his memory is only athe shadow of a cloud moving across the prairie, will the shores and forests still be there? Will there be any spirit of my people left?

We love this earth as a new-born loves its mother's heartbeat. So, if we sell you our land, love it as we have loved it. Care for it as we have cared for it. Hold in your mind the memory of the land as it is when oyu receive it. Preserve the land for all children and love it, as God loves us all.

As we are part of the land, you too are part of the land. This earth is precious to us. IT is also precious to you. One thing we know: there is only one God. No man, be he Red or White Man can be apart. We are brothers after all.

-End-

I have yet to read something in which man speaks more respectuflly and lovingly of Mother Nature. And we should all be grateful for being one of Nature's children.

My Time

My favourite time of the day is the early morning. I love waking up after a good night's sleep around 5 am. I usually spend the first hour reading and reflecting. Reading something inspiring, drawing a lesson from it and finally, figuring out how I can integrate the learning into my everyday life.

It's a time I cherish. Being with myself. Free from the beeping cell phone, the pop-ups of the Internet, the doorbells... everything. Somedays I wont even read anything. If I catch an inspiring thought going through my head, I try and just stay with it.

The early morning rejuvenates me. It equips me to face the day ahead. And when it's followed up with a good game of football or a refreshing workout at the gym, I feel like I can walk on water. I'm two steps ahead. Of me.

Of course all this means I'm asleep by 10 pm. It feels like a sacrifice sometimes when I'm missing going to the movies with friends. But when I'm up the next morning, I usually feel like I made the right decision.

There's always the weekends when I let go a little. A good drink at Ghetto, a night out dancing. the late night movie on Saturday night or just coffee with the gang.

As someone once said, 'eternal vigilance is the price of liberty'.

My friend's make fun of me sometimes. But it's all good. I think we respect each other's lifestyles. I don't think the way I live life is the way other people should. It makes me happy and therefore I do it. If waking up late works for someone else, that should be cool. What's most important is that each one finds his or her space and pace.

Keep On Keeping On

What is it that motivates me to get out of bed every morning? I'm not entirely sure. But one of the things that keeps me going is this a question I try and ask myself every morning. And that is 'Am I a little better than I was yesterday?'

It's the one question that has always helped me change, remain open to new ideas and thoughts and improve as a person. I've heard all this talk about Kaizen and continuous process improvement in manufacturing but how about some Kiazen for our souls? Don't we need continuous process improvement at every level.

At the physical level, I'd like to be fitter with each passing day. Emotionally, I'd like to stop judging and accepting more people as they are. Intellectually, I'd like to be a learner for life. Spiritually, I'd like to overcome my ego.

Some days I do real good, some are OK and some are downright crappy. You know the type when you're lying in the bed, looking up at the ceiling and thinking 'What was I thinking?!?!'

But it's part of the process I think. The important thing is to keep on keeping on.

What motivates you to get out of bed every morning?

Overcoming Adversity

I've always wondered, what is it about overcoming adversity that catches our eye? Why is Lance Armstrong going to go down in history as one of the greatest cyclists of all time? Why will Sania Mirza be remembered as one of the greatest icons for women in India? What makes A.P.J. Abdul Kalam, the president of India, such a great man?

One of them has battled cancer to come back to become the Tour de France champion a record seven times in a row. The next has beaten the crippling, self-serving Indian sports administration, societal barriers and supposedly "religious" beliefs to become India's greatest women's tennis player (though she does have a long way to go to become a champion, but it's possible.) As for President Kalam, from a small town kid, he went on to become one of India's great scientists and most effective Presidents.

I love watching movies where ordinary men and women stand up, stare adversity in the eye and get the better of it. What joy to watch the underdog beat all odds to overcome the favourite. It's amazing isn't it?

To me, it's a message that we actually have it in us to do what we think we can't. Maybe that's why I relish being challenged. I love some situation coming up to me, knocking the wits out of me, standing back up and saying 'Is that all you got?'

It's that tenacious, never-say-die attitude that inspires me. Coz if it don't kill you, it only makes you stronger.

In the Fast Lane

The last couple of weeks have simply flown by. It's amazing how 'time' and its flow really depend on our experiences. I'm always reminded on those lines I studied from 'As You Like It' when I was in school 'Time travels in divers paces with
divers persons.'

Well, Time has certainly been galloping for me in the recent past. I've been busy with work and it's really been fun. In the midst of all this, I also applied for an MA in Ancient Indian Culture at Xavier's. I'm hoping it works out because I think I was a bit late applying for the program. Let's see how it goes.

This week is going to be a bit more relaxed. Which means I'll have more time to blog. Yay!

Final Touch

So my ex and me put the final touch to our break-up. I met her on Monday evening. She came over to meet my mom and me to pay her condolences and also because she and my dad were very close. She had become a part of the family. That's why the break-up was even harder when it happened.

She spent some time at home with mom and me and then we went for a long drive. I was wondering if she would get down to the serious stuff first so I waited for a bit. But it was me who had to get it started.

I told her I was sorry for the mistakes I made and that I never had any intention of hurting her. I had been true to the relationship till the very end. And then she said she was sorry too. But then she said something interesting. She said it wasn't my fault or her fault. 'We have changed', she said. We had changed so much that we would not be able to make each other happy. I accepted her point of view but I disagree fundamentally.

I don't think we can drop relationships just because the people involved change. Love is the basis of any relationship in my opinion and true love is unconditional. It stays for better or for worse. Your mother or father wont drop the relationship because you have changed. They learn to relate to you differently within the relationship.

Anyway, that's what happened. I told her I was grateful to God, her and her family for all the times we shared together and that I had grown as a result of the relationship. Which I really meant. I don't think she expected that. She even told me that the break-up had been easier than she expected it to be. She thought I would rant and moan when she told me. I didn't. That surprised her. And then she said she probably never completely understood me. Sometimes I wonder if that's a good thing or a bad thing. :-)

That's how it has ended. We've decided to be friends and I told her she could call me if she ever needed any help.

Strange how I've changed also. I used to think I shouldn't let myself go too easily. I should hold back a little, I thought. But I've learnt that if you do something, whether it's a relationship, a job or even cleaning shoes, give it everything you've got. Because if you don't, you are going to be the biggest loser.

Why?

I am disappointed and angry with the Government of India. How dare they blanket censor our blogs! If you're wondering why I haven't commented on your blog or updated mine, it's because some idiots sitting in the Government and the National Informatics Centre decided that blogs could create communal disharmony! That's the most ridiculous shit I've heard in my life. Agreed, there may be websites that churn out vicious stuff, but there are also those that promote peace and understanding. So why block out everybody? In fact, if there is a solution to terrorism, it's these selfish mo fo-ing politicians who try and divide people that should be sacked. So here's my solution Mo Fos! Why don't you quit your jobs in the legislature and let some people who actually know their asses from their elbows govern our country. Freaks!

Now that the frustration of not being able to blog has been vented let's move on to more interesting stuff. I'm happy to be back to Bloggerville. It's been a while. I haven't visited Godsleuth, RM, haathi, noojes and esprit's blogs for too long.

Work has been great these past couple of weeks. Its kept me on my toes and I've enjoyed it thoroughly. We did a program on Vedic philosophy for these young scholars going abroad for their Graduate education so that they know a little about our own Indian philisophy before going out there. It was fantastic.

I was in Delhi before that for another event that went off really well. So it was happy too :)

Besides that, my ex-girlfriend is in town for a break from her Phd program. I'm going to meet her this evening for the first time since she called it off over the phone. I'm pretty comfortable with it. Over it. And she's going to be a friend for life I hope. I suppose we're going to have to figure out how we're going to relate with each other going forward, if at all. Let's see how it unfolds.

I'm a little worried about my mom though. She has a difficult time going to sleep sometimes because her mind keeps going back to the day my dad passed away. The memories keep flashing in her mind. I know she will eventually cope but I'm hoping it's sooner than later. As for me, I'm OK talking about it. There are times when my mind flashes back too. But I truly belive what happened was the best for my father. He will be happier where he is. Of that I am confident.

I guess that's all for now. Will catch up on some other blogs now!

I am Jack's...

...insatiable spiritual thirst.

I watched Fight Club for the first time yesterday. (I know I'm like 7 years behind, sorry :) ) I was inspired to watch it after reading my fellow blogger's post, Esprit Noir. (Check his blog out when you have the time, great stuff.) So I called up the DVD guy close by and watched it last evening. It was mind-blowing shit. I now know why it was such a cult film. For those of you who've watched it, here's a quote from the movie I just love. For those who haven't watched it, please do. Here goes:

"Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off." - Tyler Durden

I'm fighting my war. Are you fighting yours?

My Buddies

I never got down to writing this earlier because so much has happened in the past month. I wouldn't have got through my dad's passing away without my friends. They were with me right from the hospital till late at night when we cremated him. I've known all of them from my school days at Campion which is 20 years now. Since I was five. And they stood by me when I could not have done without them. Every so often they'd come over and have a drink with my dad, talk about their careers or the women (or lack of them) in their lives. He was their friend and they were his friends. He always used to tell me how fortunate I am for having friends like I do. Not just that they're great friends but that we've stuck together for so long. We always have our disagreements. Cussing at each other and intensely personal revenge games on the PlayStation2. But we're always watching each other's backs.

I'll never forget how they helped carry my father's body to my place before the cremation and to the crematorium. Trust me, it's not easy.

Words are so insufficient sometimes. How do you tell people who have done so much for you just how grateful you are? I really don't know. But this post is my way of expressing my thanks. To whom? I don't know because they don't blog. Idiots :-)

No Turning Back

I've been thinking a lot about the way ahead for me. Yesterday's post was only a spilling out of what has been going on in my head for a while.

I can't turn back now. Quitting my job and pursuing philosophy and spirituality was a decision I made knowing I might come up against situations like this. I should have been better prepared for this probably. Anyway, this is what I want to do. And if it means compromising on lifestyle and what have you, so be it. I cannot make decisions based on fear and insecurity. That's a stupid way to live. The heart of the matter is that doing something other than this would be unfair to me. I'd be kidding myself if I thought a hefty pay package could compensate for missing out on something I love. No. I've got to put my fears behind, put my head down and work hard. The rest will sort itself out.

I'm making a pledge to myself today. That I will not compromise on my dreams. And that I will do whatever it takes to realise them.

To be or not to be, there is no question.

Slipping

I am scared and confused. Life seems so fragile after my dad passed away.

I quit my job last year to pursue a dream and I've been working towards fulfilling that dream since I left. I told myself I'm going to take the risk. The risk of being financially dependent on my parents and facing a whole lot of social stigma associated with doing something offbeat. Today, after losing my dad, I know I will not be able to pay my bills if something, God forbid, happens to mom. My interest lies in studying Vedic philosophy and communicating it through writing to others. Right now, I'm still learning, studying and understanding it. Far from being able to communicate it to anyone else. And I feel like I'm walking on thin ice. I'm doing what I love but my belief in it has been battered after losing my father.

Some nights I lie in bed wondering if I made the right decision by quitting my job in the first place. At other times, I think of all that is being presented to me as a challenge. Now it feels like I'm hanging by a very thin thread. A few hours ago, I was a 'send' button click away from sending my resume out for a job. But I decided against it. I don't want to make a rash decision.

I'm hanging on. Maybe this is a test of my conviction. Deep down, I know I can't give up on myself. Not now, not ever.

Football Therapy

I can't believe the World Cup is coming to an end. It's a World Cup I will never forget. Papa passed away on the day it began, 9th June 2006, my favourite team, Argentina, cruelly lost on penalties to Germany in the quarter-finals, Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard missed penalties, and it's all coming to an end this Sunday.

I remember watching the first few matches when I was still dealing with my father's death. It was my escape. For those 90 minutes, my mind was free from everything I had to deal with. Just the ball and 22 players on the football pitch running all over the place. I forgot about 'me'. I lived in the moment, the now, the here and savoured every moment. It was a spiritual experience.

It's all coming to an end soon. The indiscipline, late nights, the lack of sleep and exercise, irregular meal times and yes, the football. Come 9th July, I'll switch back to India Standard Time. Waking up early as I always did, exercising regularly and learning to live life in a new context. I'm looking forward to it in a way. And yet I'm not. When will I see those flicks, step-overs and a goal like Esteban Cambiasso scored against Serbia and Montenegro again? Who knows. But it's been worth every moment. Watching the beautiful game.

Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own

I was doing a bit of work and listening to some U2 when I came across this song (Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own). Beautiful lyrics. There's this opening bit which goes like this...

Tough, you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone
You're hard enough

You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight

Listen to me now I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

It's as if God was singing this song to me. It's the way I'd like to interpret it anyway. That's the beauty of abstract art forms like music, art and literature. The same thing can mean different things to different people. Coming back, it's a beautiful feeling when you know there's someone with you right through. Through life's humbling experiences, through highs and the lows. It's the wings of faith that have carried me through. I tried the agnostic bit way back in school. But there are just too many questions that are left unanswered and unanswerable. Faith makes you feel small and strong at the same time. Strange isn't it? Like life.



You never know where the road will take you.

Ajeya Returns

Yeah, it's time to move on now. I'm back and will be posting more often.

Just came back from immersing my father's ashes in the sacred river, Godavari in Nasik. It was a nice trip. We stayed at nice hotel nearby with the family and all of us enjoyed being there. On the way back, we stopped at this restaurant at Matunga called Cafe Mysore. Food to die for. I loved the South Indian fare. Rasa vadas, curd rice and the works.

Took some pictures with my newest technological acquisition a Samsung D600 with a 2 megapixel camera. Will post them later today when I have time to fiddle around with the phone.

Good to be back. Expect more comments on your blogs! :-)

Picking up the Pieces

Yesterday was the twelfth day ceremony we had for my father. We had a puja, prayer in Hindi, in the morning followed by lunch in the afternoon for family and close friends. It went off smoothly and it is supposed to signal the end of the mourning period.

I thought last year's break up with my girlfriend was bad. I had no idea what was in store for me though. Experiences like this break you at some level before you pick up the pieces and get yourself together. They make you stronger and you grow as a person I think. But right now, I'm still getting myself together.

I'm just grateful for all the time I had with my father and I've been blessed with more than I could ever ask for. I thank that unknown Power for giving me everything I have and above all, the strength to take life in my stride.

I'm going to go now. I doubt I'll be posting as regularly as I was for a little bit. Here's a song by Sting I love...

Let your soul be your pilot
Let your soul guide you
He'll guide you well

When you're down and they're counting
When your secrets all found out
When your troubles take to mounting
When the map you have leads you to doubt
When there's no information
And the compass turns to nowhere that you know well

Let your soul be your pilot
Let your soul guide you
He'll guide you well

When the doctors failed to heal you
When no medicine chest can make you well
When no counsel leads to comfort
When there are no more lies they can tell
No more useless information
And the compass spins
The compass spins between heaven and hell

Let your soul be your pilot
Let your soul guide you
He'll guide you well

And your eyes turn towards the window pane
To the lights upon the hill
The distance seems so strange to you now
And the dark room seems so still

Let your pain be my sorrow
Let your tears be my tears too
Let your courage be my model
That the north you find will be true
When there's no information
And the compass turns to nowhere that you know well

Let your soul be your pilot
Let your soul guide you
Let your soul guide you
Let your soul guide you upon your way...

Bye Papa

My dad passed away last evening. 9th June, 2006 at 5 pm. We took him to hospital in the morning to conduct tests because he was in pain and before we knew it, he was gone. It's all happened really fast. We cremated the body yesterday too and I had to perform the last rites.

We shared a beautiful relationship. He simply adored me and I, him. He wouldn't listen to my mother but he would always hear me out. I am really sad that he's gone. If there were two words to describe him, they would be 'a gentle soul', make that three. He kept to himself pretty much but the lives he touched, he touched very deeply.

Sometimes I would sleep in his room when Amma ('mother' in Konkani) was away and he would cuddle me, a full grown 25 year old, like a baby. And I would tickle him back. It made our day. He was like a friend. Advising me on what to do with women, discussing random stuff and cracking filthy jokes.

Fortunately, Papa didn't suffer too much. It started with a back pain last Saturday and culminated with death last evening. He lived life on his terms and he died on his terms too. And I am grateful for that. He died of an aortal aneursym (not sure if the spelling is correct) that was caused due to constant smoking over 30 years. We would always tell him to smoke and drink less. It would work sometimes and sometimes it wouldn't.

Do I have any regrets? Absolutely not. I loved him with my heart and soul. I was the one who tried to get him to change, to start living healthy while Amma was the one who would go soft on him. The three of us were great together.

While I am tempted to be selfish and feel sorry for myself in not having Papa around anymore, I know that he has gone to a place where he will be happier. He will get a fresh start (I believe in reincarnation) and get another chance to fulfil his amazing potential. It was best for him. And as I said earlier, he died dignified. No extra tubes artificially keeping his body alive while his soul was dead. He died a good man. A simple soul. A man who I will always look up to and someone whose spirit will be with me and Amma always.

I miss you Papa. Although every cell in my body wishes you were here with us today, I have faith that you had better things in store for you. Thank you for spending the time that you did with Amma and me. Our lives would have been poorer without you.

Mind over Mattress

I've been out exercising since Monday after a two week layoff thanks to my illness. The antibiotics really affected my stamina. I struggled on Monday at football. I couldn't keep pace towards the latter half and it was a bit annoying. I was pooped after the game. By the evening, my body was aching all over. But it was a 'good' pain. You know what I mean? When you've had a good work-out and busted your muscles. I could feel the stiffness so I spent a longer time stretching the following morning.

On Tuesday morning my body was still aching. The back of my legs, all the way from the back of the thighs to the calves were crying out. So I stretched it out and went for a run on Marine Drive. It was tough. I was hurting for the last quarter of the run but I had to complete it. And I did. Seven kilometres after a three week break from running was a lot. I probably pushed myself too hard and I was a bit tired during the first half of the day.

Wednesday was back to football again. A longer pre-game stretch and another tiring, but not as tiring as Monday, work-out. Less pain after the game and feeling the stamina coming back slowly.

Today, a six kilometre run. Much less pain. Stretching was a lot easier and the body moved a lot, no I mean A LOT, better. The flow is coming back and it feels great.

It's great to back to the exercise routine. I've had to push myself to get back into shape but it will happen slowly. It's a process :-)

Amazing what a difference exercise can make to life! A healthy body. Now for a healthy mind :-D

Rain, rain...

Rain, rain come again,
Don't be gone another day,
For oft I wait for you in vain,
Hoping to get away from the heat of May.

You make the green leaves shine,
Pouring from the heavens above,
Giving glee to some, causing others to whine,
Could there be a better season to love?

You cleanse much more than the earth,
Lifting the Soul and giving it mirth,
The clouds, they lose and yet we gain,
Rain, rain come again.

To Pune and Back

I went on an impromptu trip to Pune with the family. My uncle just shifted back to India from New Jersey so he decided to have a house-warming. We had such a blast! You know how it is, each person in the family has their own eccentricities and everyone laughs at each others.

He lives in this really nice apartment complex in this place called Baner Road with a pool, gym and the works. More or less self-contained. We got there on Saturday afternoon. Everyone was lazing around more or less. We went and visited an aunt who has been bed-ridden for a couple of months. That was a bit sad because she was one of those energetic, dynamic types bubbling with energy. I only hope she gets well soon. The evening though was awesome. The house-warming party began at 7.30. The guests poured in, some 30 odd people including what sounded like an army of kids! At about 9 pm, my whacked out uncle who lives in Pune came by. And that's when the party reached a whole new level. He had us in splits mimicking the funny mannerisms of people in the family. And that's how the party continued until we all passed out.

All in all, a good getaway from the city. A good break. Good to be back.

Big Picture, Small Troubles

The past couple of days have been tumultous. I've been totally uninspired and lacking motivation. Like a flat cola, you know? When it's been outside for too long. That's how I've felt. Just letting life happen to me.

So today I decided I'm going to pull my head out of my ass. Amazing how often it goes back in but hey, it's a process. So there are two ways I look at it:

1. What are my troubles now compared to the other challenges I've faced in life? Invariably the answer is 'negligible'. And even if the challenge is bigger than I've ever faced, I'd always back myself to come out of it stronger.

2. What are my troubles compared to those some other people face? Absolutely nothing. I really don't have much to complain about.

So it's all about where my attention is really. Why do I end up focusing on the lacunae instead of the sufficiencies? It baffles me sometimes. But when I do end up going through a bad phase, it always helps me to step back and take a look at the bigger picture. A change of perspective. And suddenly, my troubles seem so banal. They are. I know it.

Raindrops

Yes, the monsoon is officially here. The smell of wet earth, the vibrant green on the plants and trees, a great time for a nice trek and the time when the new academic year begins for thousands of school and college-going students. What fun!

The monsoon always reminds me of my first day in a new grade. The shopping that would precede the first day at school. The pencil-box with fancy buttons, the nice smelling eraser, the pencil that didn't need to be sharpened, gumboots for the rain. The list is endless. I'll never forget the suspense of finding out who our class teacher would be in school. It used to be such a huge event. We'd hope for our favourite teacher to become our class teacher. Sometimes it would happen and sometimes our nightmares would come true. But it was all part of the fun.

Then between classes we'd run down and splash dirty water on each other with our gum boots, play soccer in the garden behind school in our spotless white uniforms until we were caked with muck and run back up to class only to be disallowed entry for being dirty. Oh joy!

The monsoon is more than just another season for me. I take it to be symbolic of the cleaning I need to do internally. Weeding out the negative thoughts and desires and looking at life afresh, with new eyes and renewed enthusiasm. It reminds me of the return I want to make, the return to innocence.

Of Monsoon Clouds and a Summer Soul

"For him in vain the envious seasons roll, who bears eternal summer in his soul."
- Samuel T. Coleridge

Uninspired

I'm not really inspired to write anything today. It's been one of those dull Mondays. Stuff happening, work happening, but rather uneventful.

The forecasters say the monsoon is 3 days away. I can't wait for it!

While we wait the arrival of the rain gods, go burst some bubble wrap (keep your speakers on for full effect). Happy Popping!

Empathy

I can think of innumerable instances when I've felt 'Why does this happen to me?' While growing up, dating and bunch of other stuff.

I grew up in an apartment where my parents and me slept in the same room. My dad had a serious drinking problem. (He's cut down big time now) Not alcoholism. But bordering on it. And there would be days when I'd see mom get beat and cussed at for no fault of hers. So I'd go back to school on some mornings after a rough night at home thinking 'No one goes through what I go through.' (Don't get me wrong. I'm not here to pour my griefs onto you. I don't want pity.)

When I'd look around, I'd see these "happy" families going out for dinner on a Saturday night and feel sad for myself. As time passed, I scratched the surface to find everyone has their own problems. Someone had a mom who would watch crappy TV soaps all day and night and forget she had a child to take care of. Someone else didn't have a dad. And another kid whose parents were fighting over who he should live with.

Through these little experiences I realised that all of us have our own shit to deal with. The guy who cleans the cars, the lady who cooks the food, the boss at the office, the person you love and hate even... all of them have it. And it makes life a lot easier when you reach out to people, when you're kind, when you put yourself in the other person's shoes and think for that one brief moment before your about to judge someone. What would I have done if I had been the other person's place? People don't want pity or that I'm-OK-but-I-feel-sorry-for-you attitude. No. All it takes is a little understanding.

(BTW, my parents recently completed 31 years together and I love them both equally. My dad is a really great guy and my mom, words would be a waste to even try and describe what she means to me.)

Holiday Interrupted

I should've been on the train to Himachal Pradesh now. But I'm not. The afternoon before I am supposed to leave I get hit by this nasty viral infection and I'm laid low for a good three days.

I'm not sure how to react to this. Everything's so out of control. I've been looking forward to this holiday for months. And then some virus decides it's time Ajeya got beat. Sucks that it went so wrong. But I guess there's a reason for everything. Maybe my karma demanded this. Some advice, be careful about what you want. It might not be what you 'really' want.

There's a chance of getting there if I'm back to normal tomorrow and I'm hoping I've done something to earn this trip. If it doesn't work out, ah well, it probably wasn't supposed to happen.

Since I've done all I can to get better, I am just going to accept things as they come. Because it's not something I can control. Not now, anyway. And I'll close with a great quote from one of favourite movies, Jerry McGuire...

"Roll with the punches, tomorrow's another day." - Dicky Fox (Jerry's mentor)

Bring it on biatch!

Stepback

I'm going on a holiday and will be leaving tomorrow evening. It's going to be a nice break from city life. I'm going to an ashram in Himachal Pradesh and will be back on 2nd June. It's been a while since I've gone out of town and I'm really looking forward to it.

Being at the foothills of the Himalayas at a spiritual place. Pure Bliss! It's going to be good time to step back at take stock of my life. Haven't done it in a while. It will give some time away from family, friends, the Internet, my cell phone and the rest of my attachments. It's going to give me the space to introspect, look at what I'm doing right, look at what I'm doing wrong and figure out how to change.

I'm a loner in a way. Some of the most spiritual moments I've had have been on my own. Sitting by the sea, on a morning run, listening to soothing music and sometimes, just silence. I'm quite happy hanging out with me :)

So I'm off tomorrow and I don't think I'll be posting before I leave. So here's to a good couple of weeks for everyone! See you guys soon!

Snap!

I've spent the past couple of days in self-deprecating thought and it really hasn't been pleasant. But this is where it stops. I don't want to waste time thinking about what is lacking in my life. It's a stupid way to live life. Definitely not how I want live mine.

Something snapped inside me late this afternoon. I've got a lot going for me. I know we talk about it a lot and I know it theoretically. But it's a different ball-game putting theory into practice. I know I should focus on the positives. Any fool does. But it's time for me to stand up to my negative thoughts.

Time to move from theory to practice.

"It's not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what's required."
- Sir Winston Churchill

The 'H' List

This one's for Noojes. She's feeling down so I thought I'd try and brighten up her day.

She's given me a letter, 'H' and I have to list ten words beginning with 'H' explaining what the word means to me. Here goes...

Happiness: I came across this formula for happiness. It goes like this

Happiness = No. of desires fulfilled / No. of desires harboured

I've thought about it a lot and it seems to make sense. Go figure.

Health: It means a lot to me. It's about being healthy physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. But more literally, football, jogging/running and squash in the mornings.

Hanging Out: Chilling out with close friends at the cafe next door, drinking wine at Mondy's (weird huh? I'm not big on beer) and watching a movie at Sterling. (It sucks that its shut down!)

Heat: What we're experiencing in Mumbai and most of India right now!

Haggling: I detest bargaining and haggling over prices. Shopping on Colaba Causeway is NOT my scene.

How?: One of the questions I keep asking.

Heather Graham: Very hot!

Hmm... : Thinking about my next two 'H' words! :-D

Himachal Pradesh: One of the most beautiful states of India. And I'm going there for a holiday at the end of the month!!!

High... on life, on white wine (very rarely ;) )

Cheers!

I want to...

...be a better person everyday

...give my best to everything I do

...live my dream

...spend time with myself

...watch the sunrise every morning

...be as fit as I possibly can

...be a better son to my parents

...develop meaningful relationships

...cuss less

...be grateful for all I have been blessed with

...walk in open fields, on the mountains, at the beach and admire Nature

These are some of the things that are important to me. There are times when I act in a manner opposite to what I really want. But what's important is that I keep my chin up and keep trying. I'll get there someday, soon.

One Bad Choice

I'm pissed off with myself. I hate it when I'm not able to live to my standards. There are times when I'm doing good for a few days and then WHAM! I make one rrrrreeaallyyy stupid, lame, irresponsible choice (gritting teeth) that sets me back a long way.

It's like I take two steps forward and one step back. And when I analyse what I've done and try to figure out what ingenious thought led me to my brilliant decision, all I can come up with is 'What was I thinking?!?!?!?!!!' Shit on my face!

Now that I've vented a little on myself, I'm feeling better. :)

One of the problems I've faced in my life is a lack of consistency. I do pretty good in bursts and then screw it up for myself every now and then. I do eventually move towards an objective or goal, but a lot slower than I would like to. It's something I really need to work on. A bit of discipline and mental alertness is what I need probably.

And then my buddy Oscar comes up with a wise one to confuse the hell out of me...
“Consistency is the last resort of the unimaginative” - Oscar Wilde

*sigh*

Six Months

It's been around six months since my long-time girlfriend and me broke up. I still don't know why it happened. I wanted it continue. But I suppose life had other plans for me. It took me a whole year to get into the relationship completely. And then it went on for another four and a half beautiful years. I turned from being someone scared to express my feelings into a carefree soul.

When she decided to take it one step further, I was hesitant. But I went along. Only to find myself standing alone four months later. She started the relationship and ended it and I don't know why. I hold nothing against her. But there are days when it hurts. Today is one of those days.

I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through
And then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe
That there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say
I would do it all again
Just want you to know

Sorry about the bout of self-pity. It's not like me.

More than 'Just Kebabs'

One of my favourite restaurants in Mumbai is shutting down. A place that I've visited atleast once every week for the past two or three years.

This Sunday will be the last business day for 'Just Kebabs'. The owner, Jaideep, is a good friend now and a die-hard football fan like my buddies and me. We have spent many an evening together discussing the future of European football clubs and analysing the strengths and weaknesses of our favourite players. And to say goodbye to all that so suddenly hurts a little (I'm lying, it's a little more than a little). I've gotten attached to the place, the ambience and I-don't-give-a-shit attitude that the restaurant has. Sometimes you'll hear country music, at other times jazz and on Saturday nights, techno even! You'll hear Jaideep pulling up his staff for being inefficient, overhear chatter from the next table and smell the food fresh out of the tandoor. Simple, not the run of the mill McDonald's factory food, uncommercial and laid-back. It's a place with character.

I don't find places like Just Kebabs too often. I don't think I will. In an age of KFCs, Pizza Huts and the rest of the crap that goes around as 'restaurants', it's these little islands of genuine foodies that struggle to survive. I feel sad. Sad that places like this have to shut down when you have a Domino's popping up at every street corner. And all I can do now is recommend a visit to Just Kebabs (for those of you in Mumbai) before Sunday. (The telephone number is 022-22819555.) I'm going to miss it. Because it was always more than 'Just Kebabs'.

Feet on the Ground

I belong to a section of society that is truly experiencing the economic revolution taking place in India. From a period of scarcity, we are slowly moving to an age of abundance. And with it, the unwanted side-effects of obesity, overt consumerism and an insatiable thirst for more.

One of the things I want to retain is the ability to live simple and to enjoy the simple things in life. While I may acquire more, I want to be able to enjoy everything I acquire. So yesterday I did something I haven't done in a long, long time. I travelled by the local bus. I did it knowing I could afford the cab ride home. But every now and then, I like to remind myself of my humble beginnings. I enjoyed it thoroughly. Interacting with the king of the bus, the arrogant bus conductor, the pushing and jostling to get onto a crowded bus and the sights and sounds as we drove by the streets of Mumbai.

Little exercises like this help me keep my feet on the ground. They help me keep my needs in check and focus on the important things in my life.

Is this real?

Sometimes, when good things happen to me, I think 'Is this really happening?' I mean, it's weird. There have been times when I've tried really hard to get something or change something and it just hasn't worked despite my best efforts. And then, out of the blue, after I've almost forgotten about it, it works out!

Those are moments when I need to pinch myself to make sure I'm awake. It doesn't happen as often as I'd like it to. (Yeah, life can be a real bitch! ;) ) But when it does, it's like magic!

I was just thinking about this when I came across this beautiful quote...

"Nothing is too good to be true, nothing is too good to last, nothing is too wonderful to happen." - Florence Scoville Shinn

So the next time something surprisingly nice happens, I'll try and take myself out of the way and just accept it, gratefully! :)

Tagore's Birth Anniversary

Today is Rabindranath Tagore's birth anniversary. He remains one of Modern India's greatest thinkers. A poet, educator, romantic, spiritualist and a seeker, may Tagore's thoughts and words be an inspiration not only for generations of Indians but for people the world over.

Below is an excerpt of Tagore's dream for India but I would take it to be for the world at large. In today's age of restricted thinking, rote education and commercialism, his words are a reminder for us to keep believing in all that is good.

Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high
Where knowledge is free
Where the world has not been broken up into fragments
By narrow domestic walls
Where words come out of the depth of truth
Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection
Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way
Into the dreary desert sand of dead habit
Where the mind is led forward by Thee
Into ever-widening thought and action
Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake.

And here is another spiritual couplet from Gitanjali, Tagore's monumental work on devotion and love...

"When one knows Thee, then alien there is none, then no door is shut. Oh, grant me my prayer that I may never lose touch of the One in the play of the many."

What a thought!

18 'til I Die

Age has always been just a number to me. I can still do most of what I did as a kid. I can run in the open without a care in the world, play football like my life depended on it, party hard, play video games with my 10 year old cousin, read kiddy books, watch kiddy movies... but the good thing about being where I am is that in addition to all that I can appreciate a mature relationship, admire nature, understand myself better and drive my own car!!! I've decided I'm not going to age.

Recently, I had a bad fall while playing football. So I went to the neighbourhood doctor for an injection and he asked me which grade I was in. It was hilarious. I told him I graduated from college a few years ago.

My body may age but the one thing I will not allow is my spirit to grow old. I often turn to this little essay that appeared in Reader's Digest '91 by Samuel Ullman. It's about 'Youth' and it is something I have grappled to my soul. Here goes...

Youth is not a time of life; it is a state of mind; it is not a matter of rosy cheeks, red lips and supple knees; it is a matter of the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigour of the emotions; it is the freshness of the deep springs of life.

Youth means a temperamental predominance of courage over timidity of the appetite, for adventure over the love of ease. This often exists in a man of 60 more than a boy of 20. Nobody grows old merely by a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals.

Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, fear, self–distrust bows the heart and turns the spirit back to dust. Whether 60 or 16, there is in every human being’s heart the lure of wonder, the unfailing childlike appetite of what’s next and the joy of the game of living.

In the centre of your heart and my heart there is a wireless station; so long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, courage and power from men and from the Infinite, so long are you young.

When the aerials are down, and your spirit is covered with snows of cynicism and the ice of pessimism, then you are grown old, even at 20, but as long as your aerials are up, to catch waves of optimism, there is hope you may die young at 80.

I will die young.

Catching Up

I caught up with some ex-colleagues last evening. It was wonderful. We spoke like we did at our office lunches, cracked stupid jokes and generally discussed how the company we worked for is getting sucky with crazy policies like having specific hours to use the pantry and canteen. I mean WTF! Are we back in school or are we going to be treated like mature adults?!? I mean what are we going to have next??? Fixed times to take a dump?!?!?! Dang! That pissed me off even though I don't work there anymore. I thought the company was different. Turns out it's just another corporate sweatshop. Freaks! Anyway, we did watch Ice Age 2 and laughed our guts out.

Although I enjoyed the movie, I think the first part was better. My favourite character is Manny, the mammoth. Close seconds (and I mean rrrrreally close) are the possum brothers, Crash and Eddie. Man, they really cracked me up! Especially after Manny hits on Ellie, the female mammoth. Freakin' hilarious!

I love animated movies! But I have to say my favourite is Shark Tale. Nothing to beat a vegetarian shark who has a mafia Dad!!!!

What's your fave animated movie?

May You Be Blessed

I came across a beautiful short movie called 'May You Be Blessed' while browsing through some blogs.

If you're heart is open and your mind is ready, I guarantee it will touch you deeply.

Thanks Alexys for leading me to it! And for those who watch the movie, let me know what you think of it.

What is it about love that is so amazing?

I've thought about this question many times. I'm a complete romantic and I always wonder what it is about this love thing that is so beautiful.

One of the many conclusions I have arrived at is that love helps you take the focus off yourself. You do things for someone else, your happiness lies in the other person's happiness to a great extent and it keeps your mind focussed on something other than just your own needs.

I've often reflected on the highs in my life (love is one such high) and observed that when I have lost myself, when I've almost forgotten the 'I' existed and just enjoyed the moment, those highs have just happened.

Does anyone else feel that way too?

Makes you think...

Often things you read make you question the world, yourself and your beliefs. This little write-up is one of those. Click here to read it. Enjoy!

A Peaceful Sunday Evening

It was a beautiful Sunday, this last weekend that went by. I spent some time on my own. Went to a football game at Cooperage alone. So much fun, so much passion! Nothing like the kick of watching a live game. No amount of analysis and TV replays can replace that. Anyway, the game ended in a draw but it was end-to-end action.

That done. I ran along to a friend's house at Cuffe Parade and sat around shooting the breeze until they decided to watch Southpark episodes. Now I like a lot of American TV shows but Southpark is just too ridiculous (at times) for me. I'm not saying it's a bad show, I'm saying I don't like it. So while they watched Southpark, I sat near the balcony watching the shimmering lights lining the Arabian Sea. It was great. Just silence interspersed with the sound of the waves crashing on the rocks. And there were no thoughts running through my head. None that I was conscious of atleast. I sat there for a loonggg time, just taking it all in, the silence, the sound of the waves, the beautiful Mumbai skyline...

The simple joys of life! :)

My Morning Mantra

I've been listening to this mantra for a while now. It's the first thing I listen to on my way to the football field in the early morning. It's from the Rang De Basanti soundtrack and its called 'Ik Onkar'. Listening to it sets the tone for my day. It has such peaceful, soothing vibes. It's indescribable!

So the other day I googled it for the meaning and found out it's part of the Japuji Sahib (A mantra chanted by Sikhs). It was when I read its meaning that I understood why it gives so much solace.

This is how it reads...

Ik Onkar, Sat Naam, Karta Purakh, Nirbhau, Nirvair, Akal Murat, Ajuni Saibhang, Gurprasad

Translation
There is only one God. His name is Truth. He is the creator. Sans fear. Sans enmity. Eternal. Unborn. Self-effulgent. Realized by His divine grace.

Listening to it keeps me humble and grateful. Pranaam to that unknown Divine power.

One of those (good) days

It's one of those days when I'm over the top with joy!

We've recently developed an educational program for young adults on Vedic philosophy. Today was the first day of the second one we're conducting and it went off really well. We've got an amazing bunch of young people attending the program.

Unlike our other sessions on the subject where all age groups are allowed (and attended by a lot of older people), this young bunch just has a whole new level of energy! It's great to see young people learning about our own Indian philosophy and appreciating it.

We've put in our best efforts, let's hope they enjoy it as much we enjoy taking the philosophy to them :)

Nothing to Lose

One of the best things that have happened in the last year is that I've starting taking a lot more risks.

I quit my job sometime ago. I didn't want to look back at my life at age 50 and say 'Damn, I should've done that.' It was a big decision. The monthly paycheck is an addictive thing. And I bailed before I was hooked. I really don't know if my ideas will ever become a reality. There are days when I feel like going back to the confines of that "safe, secure" job. But deep down, I think I'd be cheating myself if I did. While I did enjoy being with fun people and the work, there was always a part of me that wasn't completely with it. Because I knew it wasn't what I really wanted to do.

So I've thrown it all up to chase my dream. Sometimes it feels like a distant reality. But there are days when I can see it materialising, I can smell the air, I can see the people, I can see it all happening. I don't know if I'll get there. But I can definitely say 'I'm trying'. And no one can take away the one thing I'm scared to lose, my dream. Nobody.

“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.”
- Andre Gide

What if...

... money didn't exist?

... people ended up marrying the first person they fell in love with?

... we drank more coconut water than Pepsi and Coke?

... healthy food was tasty? or junk food tasted, welllll, like JUNK!?!?

... we were tempted to do things that were actually "good" for us?

... we went to the movies on Monday morning?

... work was fun for everyone?

... we worked only on weekends?

... we were attracted to people who didn't look "good"?

Just some of the random questions that go through my head every now and then. Maybe I just think too much.

One of my favourite songs...

This is one of my favourite songs. I can appreciate it when I'm happy, learn from it when I'm down and enjoy it in pretty much any mood.

You Gotta Be - Des'ree
Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
Stand up and be counted
Don't be ashamed to cry

You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

Herald what your mother said
Readin' the books your father read
Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time
Some may have more cash than you
Others take a different view
my oh my heh, hey

Don't ask no questions, it goes on without you
Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace
The world keeps on spinning
You can't stop it, if you try to
This time it's danger staring you in the face

You gotta be strong, there ain't no other way.

Sport

I'm just back home after watching the Davis Cup matches being hosted nearby. It was awesome to see my tennis heroes, Leander Paes and Mahesh Bhupathi playing the best live doubles tennis I have seen in my life. That too 30 feet from where I was sitting!

I don't know what it is about sport that sends me into raptures. It's like my entire life is played in front of my eyes in those few hours in the sports arena. The highs. The lows. The frustrations. The losses. And those moments we all live for, the ecstasy of winning. That audacious shot that worked. Or the assist you made to help your team-mate score the match-winning goal. Ah! Sheer bliss!

Watching the best in the business perform, like I did today, is awe-inspiring. Leander Paes has recovered from a life-threatening brain tumor to come back to the heights of Grand Slam glory. In 17 years, the man has won 78 out of 108 singles matches for India in the Davis Cup. An amazing feat. But what I admire most about guys like him and the great Lance Armstrong is that they overcame more than the external challenges of the game. At some level, they overcame their inner challenges.

We all face them. And for me, it is people like Leander and Lance that I draw inspiration from. I know I sound like a schoolkid writing his 'I want to be this when I grow up...' essay but I hope I am able to excel and be amongst the best at what I do. I know it is difficult. But not impossible.

Banal

I've written a lot of posts about life, its meaning, love and other things that meant something to me. This is not one of them. So if you're looking for some philosophical insight or want to read something 'nice', leave now. Here's your chance...
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No really, it's fine if you do. And this IS your last chance.
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A persistent one eh? :) Don't say I didn't warn you!

I've been trying for years now. But I simply cannot put food onto my plate from the serving bowl without dropping stuff on the table and dirtying the tablecloth! It is pissing me off no end. When it used to happen years ago as a child, I thought 'Screw this. I'm a kid. I'm expected to do stupid things and be clumsy.' But when I do it now, I'm just thinking 'F$%*ing spastic!'

The nightmare begins at the edge of the serving bowl. I'm assuaging my self-doubt saying 'OK Ajeya, we're going to do it this time'. And before I know it, I'm stuck in the middle. No place to run. Nowhere to hide. Just the serving spoon, me and the spotless tablecloth. It feels like getting off a boat at Apollo Bunder with one leg one the stony steps while the other is still on the boat moving away with both sides too far apart to jump onto. Anyway, the journey to the safe shores of my plate is agonisingly close to its end when 'PLOP', a little drop of the lovely maroon beetroot salad neatly sits at its rightful place at the centre of the newly-laundered white table cloth. ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHH! I swear, if that salad was a person...

You get the drift. I am slowly, after years of data collection, coming to the conclusion that I am a table spastic. To date, in the recent rememberable past, there has been no meal where I have NOT dropped stuff on the table.

How am I dealing with this? An Art of Living course I once attended (Incidentally I was kicked out midway after not being able to attend due to official reasons) spoke of 'accepting people the way they are'. I'm trying to put it into practice with myself. I will always be a table spastic.

*sigh*

Back to scoring!

Much as I wish it was with girls, it isn't. I'm talking about goals on the football (soccer for my international audience.. hmph vain :) ) pitch. I'm back to my exercise routine now and feeling much much better. Went for the usual Marine Drive run this morning. It was great. Very relaxing.

I can't think of too much to say today. Oh yeah, how could I forget?!?! I went to a date with this really pretty girl on Sunday. She seemed a bit uptight initially. Maybe overly conscious of herself for some reason. I'm not sure. But it was peaceful. We lunched at a nice place, hung out at the local bookstore and drove to a lake nearby. I enjoyed myself and she messaged me later to tell me she had a great time too. It was a nice casual date.

Meanwhile, a storm has hit Indiana and Midwest USA - where my ex-girlfriend studies - so I mailed her to find out if she's doing ok. Hope everything's alright.

And since I speak about Marine Drive so much, I figured you might as well see it for yourself. Here you go...



Better get back to work

Bummer

Last week has been such a bummer. Work has been alright, not too much pressure. It's just that I've gone into a shell, the past few days. Been feeling crappy. Waking up late & lazy. No exercise for three days. Signs of a bad week in Ajeya's world.

I think I get too involved in my own little issues and obsessed with myself every now and then. Spend too much time courting my fears, thinking about the future and doing nothing constructive. I'm snapping out of it now. (which explains my return to the blogosphere after a week - the longest break in a while)

I want to simplify my life now. Stop wasting my time and effort on stuff I really don't want to do. Put my head down and focus on my work, research, exercise, family, friends and football (not necessarily in that order). I've been spending my time doing things that aren't important to me while ignoring stuff that is. And that's what really pisses me off! It's happened sooo many times in the past but I think I've had enough now. Enough of my own stupidity.

It's time to ring in the some changes.

"As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler" - Henry David Thoreau

What Next?!?!

People are surprised when they hear I graduated with Math and then started studying philosophy but they sure ain't heard of this one before. A porn star has become a wine-maker! No more complaints about math to philosophy please!!!

Check out the full story here.

The Strange Ways of a Blog

It's weird that I will come to this blog and spill my thoughts onto it when I would (probably) never speak to anyone about half of what I write here. I suppose it's easier to say what you feel when there's no one judging you. No one to tell you if you're right or wrong. And not too many people reading what I write (kinda double-edged sword that) :)

But it's nice. When I started this blog I did it cause it just seemed like a fun thing to do. Only after a few months of random posts did I go deeper into the blogosphere.

I like it here. Talking to myself and a few others who drop by. You know a side of me you'd never know if you met me face-to-face :)

I'm the quiet, reticent types. I'll smile at you from a distance, say 'hi' and wont have too much more to say (if I don't know you well, which means most people outside of my circle of family & friends). I take my time to build relationships but the ones I have mean a lot to me.

I'm rambling now. See! I wouldn't say this if were speaking to you. Strange are the ways of a blog.

Sights, Sounds, Smells

- smell: wet earth after the first rain

- sight: countless stars on a clear summer night

- sound: rain pouring down

- sight: vibrant green of the flora during/immediately after the monsoon

- sight: queen's necklace in mumbai on any evening

- smell: of home-made ghee (clarified butter) wafting through the air

- sound: zakir hussain on the tabla and shivkumar sharma on the santoor on a long weekend drive alone

- sight: seeing my parents at home after a long, long work week

- sound: the rhythm of the Mumbai local train (not during rush hours of course!)

- sight: coming back to my bedroom late at night and looking out of the window to see Rajabai clock tower and the Mumbai high court lit up

- smell: (pleasant :) ) perfume in the lift/elevator left behind by someone else as I leave home

- sound: ocean waves crashing against the rocks

- sight: the sunrise and its countless colours

Some of the sights, smells and sounds that make my life

Flashes of a Former Life

Although I broke up with with my long-time girlfriend nearly 6 months ago, there are times (like the last few days) when I end up thinking of the happy moments we had. I know I shouldn't indulge but I can't help myself sometimes. It's difficult to put five and half years behind you just like that.

On some (very infrequent) days I feel let down that I spent my college years giving my best to something that ended up in failure. And I don't know who to be pissed off at. But on most other days I am just grateful for what I've got. Grateful for what we shared together and thankful for all the experiences I've had in my life.

I've moved on from that dreadful November of 2005. I'm stronger and I am happier for it.

I've learned to appreciate life for what it is. Even when you do your best, you fail sometimes. But it's not about results, it's about trying. It's about giving your heart and soul to something that has no guarantees, losing, getting hurt, picking up the pieces and moving on.

Life's good :)

In keeping with the Poopie mood

Here's something I got about the history of the word 'SHIT'. Here goes...

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I.

I always thought it was a golf term! :)

(The inspiration for this post comes from HERE.)

What Do You Think?

If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

• Agree
• Disagree
• Can't Say

Leave your answers in the comments section. Justify your response if you wish to :)

A Beautiful Sunday Morning

I got up early today. 6.07 am to be precise. The sun was rising behind Rajabai Clock Tower and the horizon looked like it had been painted in shades of orange and purple. So I got into my running gear and stepped out onto Marine Drive for one the best runs I've had in a while. I ran nearly 12 kms after rrrreeeeally long and my body just listened. No complaints, no fatigue and no aches. It worked like a well-oiled machine.

I had initially planned to do a 10 km run but once I reached Sophia's, I just felt I had the energy to push myself that little bit harder. I went up to Mahalakshmi and back. It was fantastic. Even better than last week's run.

I can feel the endorphins going crazy in my body. I've got my fix again. What can I say, I'm addicted :)

Soccer on Friday Mornings

I play soccer at a park here in Mumbai with bunch of guys (at Priydarshini Park). Most of them are married and have wives and kids. But what I love about our games is that when we're on the pitch, no one cares who you are. It's about playing for the team, staying fit and having a good time.

I feel like a school boy out there. Cussing my team mates for screwing up, high fives for good moves and of course the joy of scoring a goal.

I never want to be a fuddy duddy old chap who sits there enjoying a cup of coffee watching the kids have a good time. I want to be out there, getting dirty in the mud, laughing with the kids and having a ball.

I love living life like there's no tomorrow. In a good way. I don't do stupid things that harm me. (OK, I do binge drink occasionally, like once in 6 months. I'm ashamed... not) But I do the simple things that keep me happy. I want to be young all my life. May be not physically, but mentally at least. I never want to lose my enthusiasm for life.

I love the challenges life throws at me. I love my parents. I love my family. I love my friends. Hell, I even love my ex-girlfriend. And nothing will change that.

I love my life. I hope I can always make it to soccer on Friday mornings.

I'm an RDB Fan!

If you haven't guessed already, I'm a huge Rang De Basanti fan. I love the energy of the film, the music and the message it's sending out. Now yesterday, for the first time, I met a person who DIDN'T like it. She was so negative about the film, it was ridiculous!

Firstly, she called all of the youngsters in movie 'losers'. Then she went on to say the movie said nothing much. I half couldn't believe what I was hearing and the other half just wanted to knock her on the head. Now I don't know if you've watched the movie, but I thought it was a wake up call for all of us Indians who are so apathetic towards so many issues like corruption, communalism and a whole bunch of other evils. I found it an empowering film. It was telling me, if I don't do anything for the country, if I don't make an effort to change then I have no right to sit back in my air-conditioned room and criticize every little thing about it.

I know we have a lot of issues we need to sort out as a nation. But if I don't get my ass moving, there's no way I can expect the rest of the country to progress. If all of us decide to change and do our bit to keep our country clean, free of corruption and constantly raise the bar there's nothing we wont achieve. So Rang De Basanti only reinforces the idea that the change we are looking for is ourselves. The rest will follow.

I'm Indian. And I'm proud to be one. Jai Hind!

If you don't ask...

...the answer is always 'no'.

Build Your Wordcloud

Go on! Get your own wordcloud here :)

I Love this Post!

Check it out here. It's written by my newest friend in the Blogosphere, Rambling Muse :)

Life is...

...like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still. (I've seen some pretty bad 'life is' quotes. This is amongst the worst I've read.)

...a grindstone. Whether it grinds us down or polishes us up depends on us. (Hmm)

...like riding a bicycle. You don't fall off unless you plan to stop pedaling. (Any ideas?)

...a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can. (Gotta have color in your life!)

...a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death! (WTF)

...like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get. (Can't argue with that)

...either a daring adventure, or nothing. (Hell yeah!)

...good, without it we'd all be dead. ( )

...a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. (Thanx Groucho)

Runner's High

I ran 10 kms this morning. Starting at Marine Plaza to Sophia's and back. It was trippy! I got to a stage where I was observing myself pounding the road. Just fantastic. It was like there was just the road, me and the light breeze going by. It's called the Runner's High. Check this link out for more on the Runner's High

I'm looking forward to my next fix on Saturday morning. :)

Happy Tripping (or Running)... whatever works for you

Help!

Warning: This may sound like teenage love trouble to some (It isn't!!!! I'm 25 for f#$%'s sake!). Please bear with it.

Ok, here's the deal. If you don't know already, I went to a very close buddy's wedding at Mahabaleshwar. I drank a lot and ended up telling three hot women that I thought they were extremely attractive (or something like that... how am I to remember?!?!?). So I got one girl's phone number the day after and apologised for any indiscretions (of which there were none I was told). We get back on Sunday. I message her on Monday saying hi and eventually asking her out for coffee. She says she will message after she gets done with work. She does message eventually, rather late, saying she just got done with work and that we'll catch up for coffee over the weekend and meet at my friend's reception in Mumbai on thursday (before the planned weekend date).

The thing is I'm sooooooo f#$%ing out of touch with this dating scene (I got dumped after 5.5 years towards the end of last year) that I've forgotten the finer aspects of the game!!!! Not that I ever was a player. But still.

Anyway... is it a positive response or a negative one?!? I'm mindF%#@ed and don't know what to do. HELP!!!!!

Stuff I've Done Recently...

I watched...
Rang De Basanti

I met...
my dentist who made my gums bleed uncontrollably yet said everything was OK!

I drove...
my parents' car. A Hyundai Santro.

I visited...
Mahabaleshwar :)

I hit on...
three beautiful women. :)))

I read...
a nice article on simplicity in writing.

I listened to... (listening to...)
Luka Chuppi from the Rang De Basanti soundtrack

I woke up and...
read a beautiful introduction to the Bhagavad Gita by Swami Ranganathananda (late head of the Ramakrishna Mission)

I learned...
that life is as easy or difficult as I make it out to be.

I wrote...( am writing...)
on this blog and will update it tomorrow hopefully.

Back Home

I got home a few hours ago from Mol Master's wedding and needless to say we had an absolute blast! It was a to-die-for experience and it started from the time we stepped into the resort till the time we left this morning.

Friday was unforgettable. It was my first experience at a typical loud Indian wedding. I come from a South Indian family, conservative and a bit stuffy. You have to dress 'correctly', speak 'correctly' and do bunch of other stuff, well, 'correctly'! Anyway, Friday night was the sangeet and dandiya night. And what a night it was. I don't remember exactly what happened after a certain point of time (yes, white wine tastes rather good at hillstations) but I did manage to hit on the hottest women around. I made precisely three attempts. I managed to drive two of them away but the third was successul, relatively :) That done, a couple of friends and me set the dance floor on fire. Totally grooving it up! Aside: I'm yet to see exactly what we did on that festive night. Await wedding video.

Saturday was nice. I woke at the break of dawn, yeah right, but I did wake up at 7.15 am for some unfathomable reason bounding with energy. So I wandered around Mahabaleshwar at 7.30 am in the cold weather desperately seeking the sunlight. It was nice. Some time to myself, to think about stuff and of course the events that preceded that wonderful morning. By the time I returned, more of the gang was up and we spent the rest of day playing cricket, football and watching some of us roll joints :) Quite nice. The baraat and pheras happened in the evening and the place was tastefully decorated. Mol Master looked quite sharp and his wife looked wonderful too.

So that's pretty much what happened there. On a more serious note, it was an emotional moment for all of us who've known him for over 20 years. A bittersweet feeling. On the one hand we knew that things would never be the same again while on the other, we knew that this was what he wanted (or so we hope). Whatever it is, I am sure he's happy with his decision. Good luck to Mol Master, my brother-in-arms. Peace

Road Trippin'

We're off to Mahabaleshwar tomorrow morning for Mol Master's wedding and all of us are totally charged up for the trip. I'm going to be driving my noble steed (zen) all the way from Mumbai to there and back. Haven't been out of town for a while now. When was the last time...mmm.. yeah! October. Goa. That was nice. But it's been nearly six months since and a two-day break just does it for me.

I went for my morning jog at Marine Drive today after like ages (atleast it felt like that although it's only been a week). Surprisingly, I eased through the entire 7 km (approx) run. Quite happy about it.

Yeah so I'm thrilled to be driving to Mahabaleshwar. It's this quaint hill station famous for strawberries (and gujjus!) and the lake. My friends say we should check out Hindu Gym there and play tennis but I think that's too urbane. I'd love to run around the place aimlessly, scope the area and of course the pretty lasses at the wedding.

Friday night is dandiya night (hello?!?! it's a gujju wedding and we'll be in mahabaleshwar!!) so a couple of friends and me went to Fabindia to buy some kurtas and stuff. Saw a total hottie there. What's with bookstores and Fabindia?!?!? They're always full of hotties. Dang

Back to the trip...we're leaving tomorrow morning at 6 and I have no f@$#ing clue how my friends are going to be awake at that time. I'm an early riser so it's cool for me but the rest of the guys are going to have problems. I see us leaving around 7 (at best).

I'm looking forward to the drive!

On Valentine's Day...

...EPA Warns Of Dangerous Levels Of Romance In Air

Do read!

Sunday Mornin' Blues

If you think you read it wrong (or I got it wrong), you're wrong. It's right. And I do mean Sunday. As I have mentioned earlier, my close buddy, The Mol Master renounces his bachelorhood next weekend. We, his fellow bachelorhood friends who have known him for 20 out of a total of 25 years fo his life, have decided to spend this week doing what he will NEVER be able to do once he steps onto Planet M (no, not the music store) during a well-planned ceremony this weekend.

For starters, we spent the last two thumb-busting nights playing our favourite games on the PS2 till about 5am (I'm hung over from gaming). We went to our favourite watering holes around town (and a couple of new ones along the way) and spent endless hours at the Barista near Sterling Cinema shooting the breeze. So through all this celebration, I have turned my body clock every which way. I'm totally exhausted and I'm going to spend my evening watching 'Rang De Basanti' with a friend.

As The Mol Master walks into the sunset of his bachelorhood, we his school buddies and the rest of the gang wish him the very best. Here, here...

Happy Birthday To My Ex-Girlfriend

It's Feb 5 and it's my ex-girlfriend's birthday. I'm really bad with birthdays actually. I think they're a bit silly. I mean what are we celebrating really? The day we came in to this world and blessed it? Who are we kidding? Well, to me it's more of an excuse to throw a party. I don't mean to be cynical or anything but to me we should wake up everyday with the same enthusiasm or whatever it is we wake up with on our birthdays. (Hangovers? not really) Even age to me is a meaningless number. (after you get your driving license and liquor permit of course) Much ado about nothing. Well, it's Feb 5 and it's still my ex's birthday. Our break-up has done me good. It shook me out out of my stupor (a little, cmon gimme that much) and I feel I can take more risks somehow. I don't what it was but something kept holding me back. Anyway I've learnt a lot from the whole thing and I'm enjoying myself now. Happy Birthday Ex! Hope you're happy and have a great year ahead :) (Who knows? She might read this one day). Over and out.

Cruisin'

Things are slowly falling into place now. After a bad end to last year, this year has been peaceful and more or less as planned. Everything seems to be moving in cruise control. While work is going well and my discipline with respect to exercise has increased, there's still lots for me to work on. For starters, I'm still lazier than I'd like to be. Need to get my butt moving a little more and a little quicker. And I need to work harder on my research and study. I think these are the two things I'm going to focus on for the next month. So while I am cruising (sort of), I should be going a bit faster than I am. Time to pick up the pace. And yeah! I completed the Mumbai Half-Marathon in 2 hrs 15 min. Not bad for a first time I think. My target for next year is under 2 hrs. Hope I make the cut. Here's to tomorrow morning's run on Marine Drive!

Winds of Change

Well, the New Year has kicked off well. I get a feeling it's going to be a lot better than last year. That's not saying much but hey, I am the eternal optimist (yeah right!). Jokes apart, it feels like it's going to be a big year somehow. Just a gut feeling. One of my close friends, The Mol Master, is getting married in Feb (in Mahabaleshwar like a true gujju! heheh.. kidding). Tons of changes in the offing. For starters, I'm single now as opposed to the same time last year. My childhood buddy's getting married. I'm really enjoying my study of Vedic philosophy. I might do a part-time job to help me stay independent of my parents financially. And life is getting easier. Don't know but choices appear a lot easier to me now and most importantly, I feel at peace with myself. I guess I've been making more good choices than bad ones in the last two months so it's kind of paying off. Hope I can keep it up this time!