Wednesday, July 05, 2006


I am scared and confused. Life seems so fragile after my dad passed away.

I quit my job last year to pursue a dream and I've been working towards fulfilling that dream since I left. I told myself I'm going to take the risk. The risk of being financially dependent on my parents and facing a whole lot of social stigma associated with doing something offbeat. Today, after losing my dad, I know I will not be able to pay my bills if something, God forbid, happens to mom. My interest lies in studying Vedic philosophy and communicating it through writing to others. Right now, I'm still learning, studying and understanding it. Far from being able to communicate it to anyone else. And I feel like I'm walking on thin ice. I'm doing what I love but my belief in it has been battered after losing my father.

Some nights I lie in bed wondering if I made the right decision by quitting my job in the first place. At other times, I think of all that is being presented to me as a challenge. Now it feels like I'm hanging by a very thin thread. A few hours ago, I was a 'send' button click away from sending my resume out for a job. But I decided against it. I don't want to make a rash decision.

I'm hanging on. Maybe this is a test of my conviction. Deep down, I know I can't give up on myself. Not now, not ever.


Alexys Fairfield said...

I know the feeling of fueling one's dream. It is hard, lonely and sometimes you question your own ability to succeed?

Many people don't understand the desire in the Soul to do something meaningful with their life. A supportive family and friends are vital to your success.

You hit the nail on the head; you can't give up on yourself. Don't even think about it! I believe you have it in you to go all the way. Don't look back!

Ajeya said...

You're right Alexys. It's a hard and lonely path. Questions keep coming up once every while. But those who go on to achieve something meaningful in life have faced all this and more. And if they can deal with them, I think we can too.

Words such as yours can only come out of experience. Thanks for your comment.

ramblingmuse said...


Situations like this are all meant to test your convictions and beliefs. Stay true to yourself during this struggle, and more importantly, don't try to find answers that aren't meant to be known during this time. Hope that makes sense. Check out my "Have Patience" quote in my oldies link.

Hang in there. You are a great writer and your spirituality shows through your blog. Trust the process, trust 'that love' you have for your work and for yourself.


Ajeya said...

Thanks RM. Have been missing your writing since your Houston trip.