Of Monsoon Clouds and a Summer Soul

"For him in vain the envious seasons roll, who bears eternal summer in his soul."
- Samuel T. Coleridge

Uninspired

I'm not really inspired to write anything today. It's been one of those dull Mondays. Stuff happening, work happening, but rather uneventful.

The forecasters say the monsoon is 3 days away. I can't wait for it!

While we wait the arrival of the rain gods, go burst some bubble wrap (keep your speakers on for full effect). Happy Popping!

Empathy

I can think of innumerable instances when I've felt 'Why does this happen to me?' While growing up, dating and bunch of other stuff.

I grew up in an apartment where my parents and me slept in the same room. My dad had a serious drinking problem. (He's cut down big time now) Not alcoholism. But bordering on it. And there would be days when I'd see mom get beat and cussed at for no fault of hers. So I'd go back to school on some mornings after a rough night at home thinking 'No one goes through what I go through.' (Don't get me wrong. I'm not here to pour my griefs onto you. I don't want pity.)

When I'd look around, I'd see these "happy" families going out for dinner on a Saturday night and feel sad for myself. As time passed, I scratched the surface to find everyone has their own problems. Someone had a mom who would watch crappy TV soaps all day and night and forget she had a child to take care of. Someone else didn't have a dad. And another kid whose parents were fighting over who he should live with.

Through these little experiences I realised that all of us have our own shit to deal with. The guy who cleans the cars, the lady who cooks the food, the boss at the office, the person you love and hate even... all of them have it. And it makes life a lot easier when you reach out to people, when you're kind, when you put yourself in the other person's shoes and think for that one brief moment before your about to judge someone. What would I have done if I had been the other person's place? People don't want pity or that I'm-OK-but-I-feel-sorry-for-you attitude. No. All it takes is a little understanding.

(BTW, my parents recently completed 31 years together and I love them both equally. My dad is a really great guy and my mom, words would be a waste to even try and describe what she means to me.)

Holiday Interrupted

I should've been on the train to Himachal Pradesh now. But I'm not. The afternoon before I am supposed to leave I get hit by this nasty viral infection and I'm laid low for a good three days.

I'm not sure how to react to this. Everything's so out of control. I've been looking forward to this holiday for months. And then some virus decides it's time Ajeya got beat. Sucks that it went so wrong. But I guess there's a reason for everything. Maybe my karma demanded this. Some advice, be careful about what you want. It might not be what you 'really' want.

There's a chance of getting there if I'm back to normal tomorrow and I'm hoping I've done something to earn this trip. If it doesn't work out, ah well, it probably wasn't supposed to happen.

Since I've done all I can to get better, I am just going to accept things as they come. Because it's not something I can control. Not now, anyway. And I'll close with a great quote from one of favourite movies, Jerry McGuire...

"Roll with the punches, tomorrow's another day." - Dicky Fox (Jerry's mentor)

Bring it on biatch!

Stepback

I'm going on a holiday and will be leaving tomorrow evening. It's going to be a nice break from city life. I'm going to an ashram in Himachal Pradesh and will be back on 2nd June. It's been a while since I've gone out of town and I'm really looking forward to it.

Being at the foothills of the Himalayas at a spiritual place. Pure Bliss! It's going to be good time to step back at take stock of my life. Haven't done it in a while. It will give some time away from family, friends, the Internet, my cell phone and the rest of my attachments. It's going to give me the space to introspect, look at what I'm doing right, look at what I'm doing wrong and figure out how to change.

I'm a loner in a way. Some of the most spiritual moments I've had have been on my own. Sitting by the sea, on a morning run, listening to soothing music and sometimes, just silence. I'm quite happy hanging out with me :)

So I'm off tomorrow and I don't think I'll be posting before I leave. So here's to a good couple of weeks for everyone! See you guys soon!

Snap!

I've spent the past couple of days in self-deprecating thought and it really hasn't been pleasant. But this is where it stops. I don't want to waste time thinking about what is lacking in my life. It's a stupid way to live life. Definitely not how I want live mine.

Something snapped inside me late this afternoon. I've got a lot going for me. I know we talk about it a lot and I know it theoretically. But it's a different ball-game putting theory into practice. I know I should focus on the positives. Any fool does. But it's time for me to stand up to my negative thoughts.

Time to move from theory to practice.

"It's not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what's required."
- Sir Winston Churchill

The 'H' List

This one's for Noojes. She's feeling down so I thought I'd try and brighten up her day.

She's given me a letter, 'H' and I have to list ten words beginning with 'H' explaining what the word means to me. Here goes...

Happiness: I came across this formula for happiness. It goes like this

Happiness = No. of desires fulfilled / No. of desires harboured

I've thought about it a lot and it seems to make sense. Go figure.

Health: It means a lot to me. It's about being healthy physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. But more literally, football, jogging/running and squash in the mornings.

Hanging Out: Chilling out with close friends at the cafe next door, drinking wine at Mondy's (weird huh? I'm not big on beer) and watching a movie at Sterling. (It sucks that its shut down!)

Heat: What we're experiencing in Mumbai and most of India right now!

Haggling: I detest bargaining and haggling over prices. Shopping on Colaba Causeway is NOT my scene.

How?: One of the questions I keep asking.

Heather Graham: Very hot!

Hmm... : Thinking about my next two 'H' words! :-D

Himachal Pradesh: One of the most beautiful states of India. And I'm going there for a holiday at the end of the month!!!

High... on life, on white wine (very rarely ;) )

Cheers!

I want to...

...be a better person everyday

...give my best to everything I do

...live my dream

...spend time with myself

...watch the sunrise every morning

...be as fit as I possibly can

...be a better son to my parents

...develop meaningful relationships

...cuss less

...be grateful for all I have been blessed with

...walk in open fields, on the mountains, at the beach and admire Nature

These are some of the things that are important to me. There are times when I act in a manner opposite to what I really want. But what's important is that I keep my chin up and keep trying. I'll get there someday, soon.

One Bad Choice

I'm pissed off with myself. I hate it when I'm not able to live to my standards. There are times when I'm doing good for a few days and then WHAM! I make one rrrrreeaallyyy stupid, lame, irresponsible choice (gritting teeth) that sets me back a long way.

It's like I take two steps forward and one step back. And when I analyse what I've done and try to figure out what ingenious thought led me to my brilliant decision, all I can come up with is 'What was I thinking?!?!?!?!!!' Shit on my face!

Now that I've vented a little on myself, I'm feeling better. :)

One of the problems I've faced in my life is a lack of consistency. I do pretty good in bursts and then screw it up for myself every now and then. I do eventually move towards an objective or goal, but a lot slower than I would like to. It's something I really need to work on. A bit of discipline and mental alertness is what I need probably.

And then my buddy Oscar comes up with a wise one to confuse the hell out of me...
“Consistency is the last resort of the unimaginative” - Oscar Wilde

*sigh*

Six Months

It's been around six months since my long-time girlfriend and me broke up. I still don't know why it happened. I wanted it continue. But I suppose life had other plans for me. It took me a whole year to get into the relationship completely. And then it went on for another four and a half beautiful years. I turned from being someone scared to express my feelings into a carefree soul.

When she decided to take it one step further, I was hesitant. But I went along. Only to find myself standing alone four months later. She started the relationship and ended it and I don't know why. I hold nothing against her. But there are days when it hurts. Today is one of those days.

I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through
And then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe
That there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say
I would do it all again
Just want you to know

Sorry about the bout of self-pity. It's not like me.

More than 'Just Kebabs'

One of my favourite restaurants in Mumbai is shutting down. A place that I've visited atleast once every week for the past two or three years.

This Sunday will be the last business day for 'Just Kebabs'. The owner, Jaideep, is a good friend now and a die-hard football fan like my buddies and me. We have spent many an evening together discussing the future of European football clubs and analysing the strengths and weaknesses of our favourite players. And to say goodbye to all that so suddenly hurts a little (I'm lying, it's a little more than a little). I've gotten attached to the place, the ambience and I-don't-give-a-shit attitude that the restaurant has. Sometimes you'll hear country music, at other times jazz and on Saturday nights, techno even! You'll hear Jaideep pulling up his staff for being inefficient, overhear chatter from the next table and smell the food fresh out of the tandoor. Simple, not the run of the mill McDonald's factory food, uncommercial and laid-back. It's a place with character.

I don't find places like Just Kebabs too often. I don't think I will. In an age of KFCs, Pizza Huts and the rest of the crap that goes around as 'restaurants', it's these little islands of genuine foodies that struggle to survive. I feel sad. Sad that places like this have to shut down when you have a Domino's popping up at every street corner. And all I can do now is recommend a visit to Just Kebabs (for those of you in Mumbai) before Sunday. (The telephone number is 022-22819555.) I'm going to miss it. Because it was always more than 'Just Kebabs'.

Feet on the Ground

I belong to a section of society that is truly experiencing the economic revolution taking place in India. From a period of scarcity, we are slowly moving to an age of abundance. And with it, the unwanted side-effects of obesity, overt consumerism and an insatiable thirst for more.

One of the things I want to retain is the ability to live simple and to enjoy the simple things in life. While I may acquire more, I want to be able to enjoy everything I acquire. So yesterday I did something I haven't done in a long, long time. I travelled by the local bus. I did it knowing I could afford the cab ride home. But every now and then, I like to remind myself of my humble beginnings. I enjoyed it thoroughly. Interacting with the king of the bus, the arrogant bus conductor, the pushing and jostling to get onto a crowded bus and the sights and sounds as we drove by the streets of Mumbai.

Little exercises like this help me keep my feet on the ground. They help me keep my needs in check and focus on the important things in my life.

Is this real?

Sometimes, when good things happen to me, I think 'Is this really happening?' I mean, it's weird. There have been times when I've tried really hard to get something or change something and it just hasn't worked despite my best efforts. And then, out of the blue, after I've almost forgotten about it, it works out!

Those are moments when I need to pinch myself to make sure I'm awake. It doesn't happen as often as I'd like it to. (Yeah, life can be a real bitch! ;) ) But when it does, it's like magic!

I was just thinking about this when I came across this beautiful quote...

"Nothing is too good to be true, nothing is too good to last, nothing is too wonderful to happen." - Florence Scoville Shinn

So the next time something surprisingly nice happens, I'll try and take myself out of the way and just accept it, gratefully! :)

Tagore's Birth Anniversary

Today is Rabindranath Tagore's birth anniversary. He remains one of Modern India's greatest thinkers. A poet, educator, romantic, spiritualist and a seeker, may Tagore's thoughts and words be an inspiration not only for generations of Indians but for people the world over.

Below is an excerpt of Tagore's dream for India but I would take it to be for the world at large. In today's age of restricted thinking, rote education and commercialism, his words are a reminder for us to keep believing in all that is good.

Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high
Where knowledge is free
Where the world has not been broken up into fragments
By narrow domestic walls
Where words come out of the depth of truth
Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection
Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way
Into the dreary desert sand of dead habit
Where the mind is led forward by Thee
Into ever-widening thought and action
Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake.

And here is another spiritual couplet from Gitanjali, Tagore's monumental work on devotion and love...

"When one knows Thee, then alien there is none, then no door is shut. Oh, grant me my prayer that I may never lose touch of the One in the play of the many."

What a thought!

18 'til I Die

Age has always been just a number to me. I can still do most of what I did as a kid. I can run in the open without a care in the world, play football like my life depended on it, party hard, play video games with my 10 year old cousin, read kiddy books, watch kiddy movies... but the good thing about being where I am is that in addition to all that I can appreciate a mature relationship, admire nature, understand myself better and drive my own car!!! I've decided I'm not going to age.

Recently, I had a bad fall while playing football. So I went to the neighbourhood doctor for an injection and he asked me which grade I was in. It was hilarious. I told him I graduated from college a few years ago.

My body may age but the one thing I will not allow is my spirit to grow old. I often turn to this little essay that appeared in Reader's Digest '91 by Samuel Ullman. It's about 'Youth' and it is something I have grappled to my soul. Here goes...

Youth is not a time of life; it is a state of mind; it is not a matter of rosy cheeks, red lips and supple knees; it is a matter of the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigour of the emotions; it is the freshness of the deep springs of life.

Youth means a temperamental predominance of courage over timidity of the appetite, for adventure over the love of ease. This often exists in a man of 60 more than a boy of 20. Nobody grows old merely by a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals.

Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, fear, self–distrust bows the heart and turns the spirit back to dust. Whether 60 or 16, there is in every human being’s heart the lure of wonder, the unfailing childlike appetite of what’s next and the joy of the game of living.

In the centre of your heart and my heart there is a wireless station; so long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, courage and power from men and from the Infinite, so long are you young.

When the aerials are down, and your spirit is covered with snows of cynicism and the ice of pessimism, then you are grown old, even at 20, but as long as your aerials are up, to catch waves of optimism, there is hope you may die young at 80.

I will die young.

Catching Up

I caught up with some ex-colleagues last evening. It was wonderful. We spoke like we did at our office lunches, cracked stupid jokes and generally discussed how the company we worked for is getting sucky with crazy policies like having specific hours to use the pantry and canteen. I mean WTF! Are we back in school or are we going to be treated like mature adults?!? I mean what are we going to have next??? Fixed times to take a dump?!?!?! Dang! That pissed me off even though I don't work there anymore. I thought the company was different. Turns out it's just another corporate sweatshop. Freaks! Anyway, we did watch Ice Age 2 and laughed our guts out.

Although I enjoyed the movie, I think the first part was better. My favourite character is Manny, the mammoth. Close seconds (and I mean rrrrreally close) are the possum brothers, Crash and Eddie. Man, they really cracked me up! Especially after Manny hits on Ellie, the female mammoth. Freakin' hilarious!

I love animated movies! But I have to say my favourite is Shark Tale. Nothing to beat a vegetarian shark who has a mafia Dad!!!!

What's your fave animated movie?

May You Be Blessed

I came across a beautiful short movie called 'May You Be Blessed' while browsing through some blogs.

If you're heart is open and your mind is ready, I guarantee it will touch you deeply.

Thanks Alexys for leading me to it! And for those who watch the movie, let me know what you think of it.

What is it about love that is so amazing?

I've thought about this question many times. I'm a complete romantic and I always wonder what it is about this love thing that is so beautiful.

One of the many conclusions I have arrived at is that love helps you take the focus off yourself. You do things for someone else, your happiness lies in the other person's happiness to a great extent and it keeps your mind focussed on something other than just your own needs.

I've often reflected on the highs in my life (love is one such high) and observed that when I have lost myself, when I've almost forgotten the 'I' existed and just enjoyed the moment, those highs have just happened.

Does anyone else feel that way too?