Saturday, October 07, 2006

Highway to Nowhere

Like I said in an earlier post, I'm undergoing this big shift in the way I look at myself and world around. All my life, I've looked for meaning in it. I thought I had found it when I spent a year at an ashram after high school. But I was wrong. I thought I had found it in people and relationships, and I was still wrong. Then, I thought I had found it in various philosophies and approaches to life I came across. But I was wrong again. I've gone around in circles and spirals of various circumferences for a long time now. Always questioning, always seeking, yet never finding an answer that satisfied me for a sustained period of time.

So after many experiences and a lot of mental churning, I find that there nothing in life has any meaning to it. When I look back at my life, I see that I've chased shadows. Things that I thought were there but never were. When I graduated from college, I had big dreams. I had this picture of "success"... a job that would be exactly what I loved doing, a beautiful family, a nice home, the family car, fun weekends and the rest of it. I thought I would change the world. Do something to make it a better place. But it never was real, and in my mind, that picture doesn't exist anymore. Nobody can change anything.

I always thought we could determine our future, carve out a path for ourselves.But the question that came to my mind is 'Who decides what I should/could do or not do?' Is it really me? Where are these thoughts coming from? And when I question far enough, there are no answers for it.

My conclusion after all this mental ejaculation?

The world is a big play, a play of Divinity. And we're just the mediums through which that indivisble Unity functions. We are pawns. There's a larger Cosmic Law at play that our little minds cannot understand and never will. "I" am much less important than I think. I'm a little strand of this big web. Insignificant, miniscule, negligible and yet there.

Assuming this is true, the next question was 'How do I approach life now?' And my answer was to approach it as a game. It's been a liberating experience. A lot of the things that would worry me earlier don't anymore. Because nothing really matters.

Where do I derive my joy from? The journey. I have nothing to achieve, no goals. I look forward to the early morning when I can reflect in silence, the soccer game at the park or the workout at the gym, giving my best to my job, being nice to people I come in touch, reaching out to others who may have less, being with family and friends. And I'm so much at peace with myself, it's amazing.

I don't know if this will last. I like to keep an open mind. I might change my philosophy to life again tomorrow. But right now, for the first time, I can say that I am truly on the Highway to Nowhere! And, I daresay, enjoying the ride :)

"Consciousness is all there is"

7 comments:

Noojes said...

Just do your best and leave the rest...

noojes

Satandit said...

Live life the way YOU feel you wanna live it...and overtime...the joys that come from lifes' twists and turns will make it worth living...
Hugs

haathi said...

i feel exactly the same way a lot of the time. that its all a game with no real conclusions in the end. everything we do / say / feel is so shortlived in the bigger scheme of things, which makes everything so insignificant.

all you can do is make the most of what you've got and have the best ride possible while it lasts!

Ajeya said...

noojes... words to live by for sure

satandit... :) it's always all worth it. but honestly, it feels great to have joy in the moment, not dependent on some event in the future. i feel like a child all over again

haathi... seriously, it's all about the journey, the destination often is immaterial

anumita said...

This is a beautiful way to be... it's almost like attaining nirvana.

Ajeya said...

it's quite nice, nirvana or not :)

evil_me_never! said...

Hey,

I like your open mind approach! to take life as a game.. May be that is exactly why fancy our childhood days.. life with no goals to achieve. Atleast none of your own, cauz most are concieved and enforced on us by our parents...

As an adult it is good to seek "what's next?" instead of "why me??"

Life is an ice-cream, enjoy it b4 it melts...

regards :)