Nice!

Things have been nice over the past couple weeks. I've been feeling good after a day's work so the weekdays are peaceful and weekends are usually happy too (with or without injesting stimulants). I'm enjoying life now and will take each day as it comes.

So yesterday I was sitting at the Barista near Sterling with a couple of friends and they were telling me how difficult it is to meet new women and stuff. How they so badly wanted to date someone and how the 'right' oppotunity never presented itself. As consultant philosopher to my friends, I added my two bits and told them something I had heard another friend say a few days earlier that really hit home. She said 'When you stop craving, the universe conspires to give you what you want.'

I thought about that line for a long time after hearing it. And it made sense. It's weird but I've seen it to be true. I can't figure out the logic behind it, but it works and when it does, it's the most beautiful, happy feeling ever!

Foul-tongued

I was just reading my last post and I have to say I have no idea what was going through my head when I wrote it. So vague! :) One of those moments when you look out the window with no thoughts going through your head and somewhere in between, you write a post. My ex-girlfriend would always ask me, 'What are you thinking?' when I did this and the usual reply would be 'Nothing.' Just wondering, am I the only one who trips out like this?

I digress. So, I was saying, I went through this phase, it lasted some five years, when I thought cursing was a bad thing. So instead of saying 'fuck', which I was saying in my mind anyway, I'd actually say something like 'flip'. Somehow, I was never fully convinced of this 'bad language' argument that I had been brain-washed with so I spent the last few years observing people and what they were saying, in terms of language usage and context. My conclusion is that no word is 'bad' per se. It's about the attitude with which we say something that really makes it 'nasty' or 'not-nasty'.

I've heard some of the most 'refined' people at their eloquent best tear people to shreds and I've heard 'crude' people use what we call 'foul language' to say something really nice about people.

As a result of these observations, I have decided to go back to saying what is in my head, whatever the words be; 'crude', 'refined', 'good', 'bad'... whatever. Because it's not what we say that really matters, it's the feeling with which we say something that really comes across.

So to all those tea-sipping-pinkys-sticking-out, bitching-about-their-friends, smooth-talking people, here what I have to say to you...

Fuck Y'all!

Blur

Life's a big, beautiful blur. Listening to 'Stuck in a Moment' by U2. For your reading pleasure, a few lyrics from the song:

"I'm not afraid of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard...

...And you are such a fool to worry like you do
I know it's tough and you can never get enough of what you don't really need now
My, oh my

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it..."

It's just a moment. This time will pass.

Siddhartha

'Siddhartha' is one of my favourite books. I've read it a few times already yet everytime I read it, I discover something I did not see earlier.

One of my favourite parts of the book is towards the end when Siddhartha's friend, Govinda meets him while crossing the river. A great disciple of the Enlightened Gotama, Govinda discloses that though he has searched all his life, he has still not achieved his goal of Realisation. When he asks Siddhartha for the secret of his Peace, Siddhartha gives this brilliant reply.

'When someone is seeking, it happens quite easily that he only sees the thing that he is seeking; that he is unable to find anything, unable to absorb anything, because he is only thinking of the thing he is seeking, because he has a goal. Seeking means: to have a goal; but finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal. You, O worth one, are perhaps indeed a seeker, for in striving towards your goal, you do not see many things that are under your nose.'

If this little excerpt has intrigued you and you haven't read 'Siddhartha' by Hermann Hesse, you're missing out on the read of a lifetime. To know more, here's the Wiki entry for Siddhartha

A Fresh Start

With my philosophy changing drastically in the past few months, it is slowly influencing the decisions I'm making. I'm going back to a more "mainstream" job in a couple weeks. A copy writer at a small advertising agency here in Mumbai. The interview was nice, the people I met seemed to be interesting and I have a good feel about it.

I'm quite instinctive when it comes to my decisions rather than relying on intellectual analysis. And my instinct says this is something I'd like to do. I don't know how all this is going to unfold. Honestly, I don't give a rat's ass about how it will. This is what I feel now and it is what I am going to do. I don't want to make calculated decisions anymore. Thinking about where it will take me and the rest of that crap. My new mantra is 'live for the moment'.

I have no direction and I'm perfectly comfortable with it. Funny when I think about how I was a little while ago. I thought I had my life planned. But I have to say, unplanned is beautiful :)

Living the Good Life!

"The good life, as I conceive it, is a happy life. I do not mean that if you are good you will be happy - I mean that if you are happy, you will be good."

- B. Russell

Highway to Nowhere

Like I said in an earlier post, I'm undergoing this big shift in the way I look at myself and world around. All my life, I've looked for meaning in it. I thought I had found it when I spent a year at an ashram after high school. But I was wrong. I thought I had found it in people and relationships, and I was still wrong. Then, I thought I had found it in various philosophies and approaches to life I came across. But I was wrong again. I've gone around in circles and spirals of various circumferences for a long time now. Always questioning, always seeking, yet never finding an answer that satisfied me for a sustained period of time.

So after many experiences and a lot of mental churning, I find that there nothing in life has any meaning to it. When I look back at my life, I see that I've chased shadows. Things that I thought were there but never were. When I graduated from college, I had big dreams. I had this picture of "success"... a job that would be exactly what I loved doing, a beautiful family, a nice home, the family car, fun weekends and the rest of it. I thought I would change the world. Do something to make it a better place. But it never was real, and in my mind, that picture doesn't exist anymore. Nobody can change anything.

I always thought we could determine our future, carve out a path for ourselves.But the question that came to my mind is 'Who decides what I should/could do or not do?' Is it really me? Where are these thoughts coming from? And when I question far enough, there are no answers for it.

My conclusion after all this mental ejaculation?

The world is a big play, a play of Divinity. And we're just the mediums through which that indivisble Unity functions. We are pawns. There's a larger Cosmic Law at play that our little minds cannot understand and never will. "I" am much less important than I think. I'm a little strand of this big web. Insignificant, miniscule, negligible and yet there.

Assuming this is true, the next question was 'How do I approach life now?' And my answer was to approach it as a game. It's been a liberating experience. A lot of the things that would worry me earlier don't anymore. Because nothing really matters.

Where do I derive my joy from? The journey. I have nothing to achieve, no goals. I look forward to the early morning when I can reflect in silence, the soccer game at the park or the workout at the gym, giving my best to my job, being nice to people I come in touch, reaching out to others who may have less, being with family and friends. And I'm so much at peace with myself, it's amazing.

I don't know if this will last. I like to keep an open mind. I might change my philosophy to life again tomorrow. But right now, for the first time, I can say that I am truly on the Highway to Nowhere! And, I daresay, enjoying the ride :)

"Consciousness is all there is"

Overheard...

A famous politician was criticized for issuing ludicrous statements to the press. In response to one of them, a rather witty critic of his said, 'The left side of his brain has nothing right about it and the right side of his brain has nothing left in it.'

Happy! :)

dunno why, but the the last week has been happy. nothing extraordinary happening. just a lot of mental peace and stillness. it's been fantastic! hope I can stay with it for the next week. :)

hope you're all well and enjoying the long weekend!

A Moment of Magic

(Written on 28 September, 2006)

Today happened to be the first time that my professor had a paper published in an international journal. He was on cloud nine. (publishing papers in renowned journals for post-doctoral professors is a big deal.) He is so much in love with the subject that his passion comes through in every lecture. I absolutely love his class.

Somewhere during a discussion, we drifted into Vedic culture and the way Indian society is today. And we touched on the subject of 'value for education'. Education is everything for the Indian parent. They will go through any amount of hardship to make sure their children get the best. So while discussing this, my professor slowly opened his heart out about his journey into Ancient Indian Culture, the difficulties his family faced when he decided to take up something that did not have "scope" (translated as 'potential to earn money') and about times of immense poverty.

He spoke of a time when he was 15 (about 20 years ago) and wanted a book that was quite expensive. A book on ancient Indian history by a well-known author for a princely sum of 500 rupees, which was a fair bit at the time. His father had called him to go to a book exhibition where it would be available. On reaching there, he told his father about his desire to buy the book, not sure whether he would be able to buy it for him. Before getting the book for him, his father only asked him if he would make the best use of it. On getting his assurance, my professor's dad told him to take the book. When my professor asked him how he would pay for it, he told him not to worry about it. While he walked away with the book, he looked back to see his father borrowing sums as small as 50 rupees (a little over $1 today) from colleagues to buy the book promising he would he would return the money to them the following month. And today, when he told his parents about his paper being published in the international journal, they told him the efforts were all worth it.

After telling us this, he simply broke down. It is, by far, one of the most magical moments of my life. I can't describe the atmosphere in the classroom. It was charged. One of those times, when you can hear a pin drop and yet there is so much being said, when you look up at the sky and shut your eyes for a few seconds to acknowledge that supreme Power who blesses all of us.

We ended class on that wonderful high.

I didn't feel like speaking to anyone for a while after that. I just wanted to stay with the moment for as long as I could. I walked around aimlessly for a bit, found my way to the bus stop and the bus ride home is a blur.

I'm sure this pathetic attempt at describing what happened in that classroom does not capture even 10% of the moment. But I hope you understand where it's coming from.

In Awe

Haathi posted this amazing link on her blog a couple of days ago. So I checked it out and the thoughts from it have just captured my mind since then. I've forgotten how many times I've watched the video and I strongly recommend you see it for yourself.

Over and over, I am reminded of the power the human spirit. You see it everywhere. You read about it every other day in the newspapers, watch it on the news and hear about it on the Internet. But it's not just in them.

It's in my cook who goes always goes the extra mile to see that she makes the food to our liking. It's in the lady who cleans the dishes. Over the 10 years that she has worked with us, not once have I ever found a dirty speck on our utensils and cutlery. It's in the beggar girl who will share her only packet of biscuits with the stray dog sitting beside her. Heck, it's in every one of us.

In fact, it's not even human spirit. It's Divine Spirit. It's everywhere. And it is awe-inspiring. You wont have to go too far searching for it. You'll see it when you look in the mirror.

Thanks Haathi!

Sunrise & Sunset Chaser

One of the best moments of any day for me is watching the sunrise or the sunset and seeing the array of colours on God's canvass. I read a beautiful article written by someone who shares my love for sunrises and sunsets called 'When Heaven and Earth Kiss'.

If you love 'em too, do read! Here it is

It's Been A While...

...since I've come here. Dunno why, but I haven't felt like blogging this past week or so.

My classes have been going alright. There are a couple of courses I don't like too much and there are others where I am transported to the banks of the River Indus and feel like I am walking on the paved streets of Harappa. (I'm studying Ancient Indian Culture.)

It's amazing what a teacher can do to mould your views about a course. S/He can make a terribly dry subject come alive while another could make every minute in class feel like eternity. It's one thing to have passion and dedication for what you teach but I also feel it's important to understand where your students are coming from. That's why brilliant professors don't always make the best teachers.

Nevertheless, going back to school has been a nice experience. There are a grand total of four students in class! Not surprising for an "unmarketable" degree like a Master's in Ancient Indian Culture.

Academics apart, one of the biggest changes that is happening in my mind. I've been re-examining my philosophy and approach to life. Some of it is encapsulated in my previous post and then there is some more. More about it in another post.

I have a bunch of your blogs to catch up on! :)

It Ain't A Party, But What the Heck

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.

Ok, Stop!

I had one of those 'Ok, stop!' moments. You know when you're doing something or feeling something you shouldn't be and that little voice in your head that has been softly telling you how imbecilic you've been finally says it's had enough and screams 'Ok, stop!'? That's what happened to me.

I'm feeling so much better today. Woke up early, had a good workout at the gym, pushed myself to lift a little heavier, ran a little more than I usually would and it felt simply fabulous. I thought a lot about how I was feeling, the tiredness and everything and told myself I can not let these things pull me down.

Often we get so caught up in the now that we lose sight of the bigger picture. I was so obsessed with the bad things in my life that I lost sight of everything that is going well for me. It wasn't this particular episode that got to me but it was the last straw. Kind of like the last drop of the solution that creates the precipitate in a titration experiment. (Chemistry practicals, 12th grade, it scars you for life!). Whatever... Basically, it was a lot of stuff that ended with that email

I did mail my ex congratulating her and wishing her the best for the wedding. I really am happy for her. The hurt that I felt was because I was being selfish. If I really cared for her, I should have been able to share her joy instead of feeling bad. So I've decided try and put the 'me' thought aside for a bit and be happy for a friend. What we had was fantastic while it lasted, sadly, life had other plans for us. Does that mean we shouldn't move on with our lives and be miserable forever? Of course not. I'm glad she's taken the next step with her new relationship. Graduate student life in America can be pretty lonely and it's good she's found someone she can share her life with.

And me? I've moved on too. Dated a bit since we broke up and it's been fun. Haven't dated for a while though. Crap! And therefore, still single.

Whoa!

I got an e-mail on Saturday morning from my ex-girlfriend telling me she's getting married 'soon'. I was taken completely by surprise. It was a bolt from the blue. She's marrying the same guy she told me she was 'attracted' to before we broke up. There were so many emotions flooding my mind when I first read it, shock, wonder, hurt... I don't know what else. I was caught off guard and it just felt numbing. I felt like a zombie for a couple of hours after that.

For the first time in my life, I felt tired. Tired of what life was throwing at me. The last year has been a real test for me. I thought I did OK with what I had faced earlier. But on Saturday, I was drained. Sometimes the shit gets too much to deal with. It's just that what happened earlier has taken so much out of me that this one felt like the knockout blow.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself at all. I know everyone has their troubles. But it's just that I've run out of a little steam right now. It's the kind of moment when you're on the mat in the boxing ring with the referee counting upto 10 and you're trying desperately to get back on your feet.

I'm pooped. Yet, I know I'll be back stronger.

Consciousness Is All There Is

If you've been visitng here for a while, you must've figured out that I am interested in spirituality and, in general, the search for meaning in life.

Earlier this morning, I went to an interesting talk by Advaita master, Ramesh Balsekar. It was my first time there and another person (who also visiting for the first time) were given seats right in front of him. He spoke of many spiritual concepts during the talk which I could appreciate but there was one in particular that I found difficult to digest.

He says everything that happens is the will of God and that everything is predetermined. To someone like me, who has been brought up shunning ideas of 'luck' and the such, it was slightly unsettling. I've always been taught that you have to work for achieving what you want. Agreed, the achievement of the goal may not be in our hands, but should we not give our very best in something we have chosen to do? If everything was God's will, why would I do anything? I might as well sit back and do nothing because God will do it anyway. And what about the law of karma? Are we not the resultant of all our actions, emotions and thoughts from this moment backward?

I'm not rejecting what I heard. But I'm trying to understand if what he said makes sense to me. I'm trying to find reasons for him saying what he did. Maybe it's just another approach to spirituality. Honestly, I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out.

Any ideas?

In the Company of Stoners

It's strange that almost all of my friends are stoners. And I'm not talking about the odd joint every other weekend. We're talking about 3-joints-a-day people.

There would often be times when everyone around me would be stoned and smiling for no particular reason and I'd be completely comfortable there. I can't tell you the number of times I've been hot-boxed. (If you don't know what hot-boxing is or have never experienced it, trust me, you aren't missing out on anything) My friends say I was passively stoned but I really don't know what it feels like mainly because I've never tried the stuff.

I have to say though that some people make the most intelligent conversation when they're slightly stoned. I don't know what it is that drives people to do it. Maybe it's the high or just the escape from the world. A journey into your own world. They seem to have a sense of idealism. And maybe that's what I like about them. I like being with people who have some deeper philosophy that guides them or people who even question the system. I guess for some people, dealing with the world the way it is gets too much for them. Hence the escape through weed or marijuana or whatever it is that they roll into those papers.

Honestly, I have had my weak moments when I've felt like trying it. I don't know though... I don't fancy artifical stimulants for a high. Certainly not smoking weed or marijuana. I prefer a good run or a workout at the gym. But I think I'm a stoner at heart.

Did you know...

... 'Khan' is an accepted word on Text Twist?!?! Daggit!

By the way, the game kicks ass!

A Room with a View

That's how the world looks from my window. In the centre is the Rajabai clock tower and on its right (or is it left? Crap! I have serious issues with 'left' and 'right'. People tell me it's because I'm a southpaw. Doesn't matter, I still drive hell into the Mumbai cab drivers :) ) is the Bombay Stock Exchange. The sun rises from behind the tower in the mornings and I can't tell you how beautiful the sky looks in its morning glory. Splashed with all shades of blue, purple, yellow and orange. The simple joys of life :)