Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own

I was doing a bit of work and listening to some U2 when I came across this song (Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own). Beautiful lyrics. There's this opening bit which goes like this...

Tough, you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone
You're hard enough

You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight

Listen to me now I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

It's as if God was singing this song to me. It's the way I'd like to interpret it anyway. That's the beauty of abstract art forms like music, art and literature. The same thing can mean different things to different people. Coming back, it's a beautiful feeling when you know there's someone with you right through. Through life's humbling experiences, through highs and the lows. It's the wings of faith that have carried me through. I tried the agnostic bit way back in school. But there are just too many questions that are left unanswered and unanswerable. Faith makes you feel small and strong at the same time. Strange isn't it? Like life.



You never know where the road will take you.

Ajeya Returns

Yeah, it's time to move on now. I'm back and will be posting more often.

Just came back from immersing my father's ashes in the sacred river, Godavari in Nasik. It was a nice trip. We stayed at nice hotel nearby with the family and all of us enjoyed being there. On the way back, we stopped at this restaurant at Matunga called Cafe Mysore. Food to die for. I loved the South Indian fare. Rasa vadas, curd rice and the works.

Took some pictures with my newest technological acquisition a Samsung D600 with a 2 megapixel camera. Will post them later today when I have time to fiddle around with the phone.

Good to be back. Expect more comments on your blogs! :-)

Picking up the Pieces

Yesterday was the twelfth day ceremony we had for my father. We had a puja, prayer in Hindi, in the morning followed by lunch in the afternoon for family and close friends. It went off smoothly and it is supposed to signal the end of the mourning period.

I thought last year's break up with my girlfriend was bad. I had no idea what was in store for me though. Experiences like this break you at some level before you pick up the pieces and get yourself together. They make you stronger and you grow as a person I think. But right now, I'm still getting myself together.

I'm just grateful for all the time I had with my father and I've been blessed with more than I could ever ask for. I thank that unknown Power for giving me everything I have and above all, the strength to take life in my stride.

I'm going to go now. I doubt I'll be posting as regularly as I was for a little bit. Here's a song by Sting I love...

Let your soul be your pilot
Let your soul guide you
He'll guide you well

When you're down and they're counting
When your secrets all found out
When your troubles take to mounting
When the map you have leads you to doubt
When there's no information
And the compass turns to nowhere that you know well

Let your soul be your pilot
Let your soul guide you
He'll guide you well

When the doctors failed to heal you
When no medicine chest can make you well
When no counsel leads to comfort
When there are no more lies they can tell
No more useless information
And the compass spins
The compass spins between heaven and hell

Let your soul be your pilot
Let your soul guide you
He'll guide you well

And your eyes turn towards the window pane
To the lights upon the hill
The distance seems so strange to you now
And the dark room seems so still

Let your pain be my sorrow
Let your tears be my tears too
Let your courage be my model
That the north you find will be true
When there's no information
And the compass turns to nowhere that you know well

Let your soul be your pilot
Let your soul guide you
Let your soul guide you
Let your soul guide you upon your way...

Bye Papa

My dad passed away last evening. 9th June, 2006 at 5 pm. We took him to hospital in the morning to conduct tests because he was in pain and before we knew it, he was gone. It's all happened really fast. We cremated the body yesterday too and I had to perform the last rites.

We shared a beautiful relationship. He simply adored me and I, him. He wouldn't listen to my mother but he would always hear me out. I am really sad that he's gone. If there were two words to describe him, they would be 'a gentle soul', make that three. He kept to himself pretty much but the lives he touched, he touched very deeply.

Sometimes I would sleep in his room when Amma ('mother' in Konkani) was away and he would cuddle me, a full grown 25 year old, like a baby. And I would tickle him back. It made our day. He was like a friend. Advising me on what to do with women, discussing random stuff and cracking filthy jokes.

Fortunately, Papa didn't suffer too much. It started with a back pain last Saturday and culminated with death last evening. He lived life on his terms and he died on his terms too. And I am grateful for that. He died of an aortal aneursym (not sure if the spelling is correct) that was caused due to constant smoking over 30 years. We would always tell him to smoke and drink less. It would work sometimes and sometimes it wouldn't.

Do I have any regrets? Absolutely not. I loved him with my heart and soul. I was the one who tried to get him to change, to start living healthy while Amma was the one who would go soft on him. The three of us were great together.

While I am tempted to be selfish and feel sorry for myself in not having Papa around anymore, I know that he has gone to a place where he will be happier. He will get a fresh start (I believe in reincarnation) and get another chance to fulfil his amazing potential. It was best for him. And as I said earlier, he died dignified. No extra tubes artificially keeping his body alive while his soul was dead. He died a good man. A simple soul. A man who I will always look up to and someone whose spirit will be with me and Amma always.

I miss you Papa. Although every cell in my body wishes you were here with us today, I have faith that you had better things in store for you. Thank you for spending the time that you did with Amma and me. Our lives would have been poorer without you.

Mind over Mattress

I've been out exercising since Monday after a two week layoff thanks to my illness. The antibiotics really affected my stamina. I struggled on Monday at football. I couldn't keep pace towards the latter half and it was a bit annoying. I was pooped after the game. By the evening, my body was aching all over. But it was a 'good' pain. You know what I mean? When you've had a good work-out and busted your muscles. I could feel the stiffness so I spent a longer time stretching the following morning.

On Tuesday morning my body was still aching. The back of my legs, all the way from the back of the thighs to the calves were crying out. So I stretched it out and went for a run on Marine Drive. It was tough. I was hurting for the last quarter of the run but I had to complete it. And I did. Seven kilometres after a three week break from running was a lot. I probably pushed myself too hard and I was a bit tired during the first half of the day.

Wednesday was back to football again. A longer pre-game stretch and another tiring, but not as tiring as Monday, work-out. Less pain after the game and feeling the stamina coming back slowly.

Today, a six kilometre run. Much less pain. Stretching was a lot easier and the body moved a lot, no I mean A LOT, better. The flow is coming back and it feels great.

It's great to back to the exercise routine. I've had to push myself to get back into shape but it will happen slowly. It's a process :-)

Amazing what a difference exercise can make to life! A healthy body. Now for a healthy mind :-D

Rain, rain...

Rain, rain come again,
Don't be gone another day,
For oft I wait for you in vain,
Hoping to get away from the heat of May.

You make the green leaves shine,
Pouring from the heavens above,
Giving glee to some, causing others to whine,
Could there be a better season to love?

You cleanse much more than the earth,
Lifting the Soul and giving it mirth,
The clouds, they lose and yet we gain,
Rain, rain come again.

To Pune and Back

I went on an impromptu trip to Pune with the family. My uncle just shifted back to India from New Jersey so he decided to have a house-warming. We had such a blast! You know how it is, each person in the family has their own eccentricities and everyone laughs at each others.

He lives in this really nice apartment complex in this place called Baner Road with a pool, gym and the works. More or less self-contained. We got there on Saturday afternoon. Everyone was lazing around more or less. We went and visited an aunt who has been bed-ridden for a couple of months. That was a bit sad because she was one of those energetic, dynamic types bubbling with energy. I only hope she gets well soon. The evening though was awesome. The house-warming party began at 7.30. The guests poured in, some 30 odd people including what sounded like an army of kids! At about 9 pm, my whacked out uncle who lives in Pune came by. And that's when the party reached a whole new level. He had us in splits mimicking the funny mannerisms of people in the family. And that's how the party continued until we all passed out.

All in all, a good getaway from the city. A good break. Good to be back.

Big Picture, Small Troubles

The past couple of days have been tumultous. I've been totally uninspired and lacking motivation. Like a flat cola, you know? When it's been outside for too long. That's how I've felt. Just letting life happen to me.

So today I decided I'm going to pull my head out of my ass. Amazing how often it goes back in but hey, it's a process. So there are two ways I look at it:

1. What are my troubles now compared to the other challenges I've faced in life? Invariably the answer is 'negligible'. And even if the challenge is bigger than I've ever faced, I'd always back myself to come out of it stronger.

2. What are my troubles compared to those some other people face? Absolutely nothing. I really don't have much to complain about.

So it's all about where my attention is really. Why do I end up focusing on the lacunae instead of the sufficiencies? It baffles me sometimes. But when I do end up going through a bad phase, it always helps me to step back and take a look at the bigger picture. A change of perspective. And suddenly, my troubles seem so banal. They are. I know it.

Raindrops

Yes, the monsoon is officially here. The smell of wet earth, the vibrant green on the plants and trees, a great time for a nice trek and the time when the new academic year begins for thousands of school and college-going students. What fun!

The monsoon always reminds me of my first day in a new grade. The shopping that would precede the first day at school. The pencil-box with fancy buttons, the nice smelling eraser, the pencil that didn't need to be sharpened, gumboots for the rain. The list is endless. I'll never forget the suspense of finding out who our class teacher would be in school. It used to be such a huge event. We'd hope for our favourite teacher to become our class teacher. Sometimes it would happen and sometimes our nightmares would come true. But it was all part of the fun.

Then between classes we'd run down and splash dirty water on each other with our gum boots, play soccer in the garden behind school in our spotless white uniforms until we were caked with muck and run back up to class only to be disallowed entry for being dirty. Oh joy!

The monsoon is more than just another season for me. I take it to be symbolic of the cleaning I need to do internally. Weeding out the negative thoughts and desires and looking at life afresh, with new eyes and renewed enthusiasm. It reminds me of the return I want to make, the return to innocence.

Of Monsoon Clouds and a Summer Soul

"For him in vain the envious seasons roll, who bears eternal summer in his soul."
- Samuel T. Coleridge

Uninspired

I'm not really inspired to write anything today. It's been one of those dull Mondays. Stuff happening, work happening, but rather uneventful.

The forecasters say the monsoon is 3 days away. I can't wait for it!

While we wait the arrival of the rain gods, go burst some bubble wrap (keep your speakers on for full effect). Happy Popping!

Empathy

I can think of innumerable instances when I've felt 'Why does this happen to me?' While growing up, dating and bunch of other stuff.

I grew up in an apartment where my parents and me slept in the same room. My dad had a serious drinking problem. (He's cut down big time now) Not alcoholism. But bordering on it. And there would be days when I'd see mom get beat and cussed at for no fault of hers. So I'd go back to school on some mornings after a rough night at home thinking 'No one goes through what I go through.' (Don't get me wrong. I'm not here to pour my griefs onto you. I don't want pity.)

When I'd look around, I'd see these "happy" families going out for dinner on a Saturday night and feel sad for myself. As time passed, I scratched the surface to find everyone has their own problems. Someone had a mom who would watch crappy TV soaps all day and night and forget she had a child to take care of. Someone else didn't have a dad. And another kid whose parents were fighting over who he should live with.

Through these little experiences I realised that all of us have our own shit to deal with. The guy who cleans the cars, the lady who cooks the food, the boss at the office, the person you love and hate even... all of them have it. And it makes life a lot easier when you reach out to people, when you're kind, when you put yourself in the other person's shoes and think for that one brief moment before your about to judge someone. What would I have done if I had been the other person's place? People don't want pity or that I'm-OK-but-I-feel-sorry-for-you attitude. No. All it takes is a little understanding.

(BTW, my parents recently completed 31 years together and I love them both equally. My dad is a really great guy and my mom, words would be a waste to even try and describe what she means to me.)

Holiday Interrupted

I should've been on the train to Himachal Pradesh now. But I'm not. The afternoon before I am supposed to leave I get hit by this nasty viral infection and I'm laid low for a good three days.

I'm not sure how to react to this. Everything's so out of control. I've been looking forward to this holiday for months. And then some virus decides it's time Ajeya got beat. Sucks that it went so wrong. But I guess there's a reason for everything. Maybe my karma demanded this. Some advice, be careful about what you want. It might not be what you 'really' want.

There's a chance of getting there if I'm back to normal tomorrow and I'm hoping I've done something to earn this trip. If it doesn't work out, ah well, it probably wasn't supposed to happen.

Since I've done all I can to get better, I am just going to accept things as they come. Because it's not something I can control. Not now, anyway. And I'll close with a great quote from one of favourite movies, Jerry McGuire...

"Roll with the punches, tomorrow's another day." - Dicky Fox (Jerry's mentor)

Bring it on biatch!

Stepback

I'm going on a holiday and will be leaving tomorrow evening. It's going to be a nice break from city life. I'm going to an ashram in Himachal Pradesh and will be back on 2nd June. It's been a while since I've gone out of town and I'm really looking forward to it.

Being at the foothills of the Himalayas at a spiritual place. Pure Bliss! It's going to be good time to step back at take stock of my life. Haven't done it in a while. It will give some time away from family, friends, the Internet, my cell phone and the rest of my attachments. It's going to give me the space to introspect, look at what I'm doing right, look at what I'm doing wrong and figure out how to change.

I'm a loner in a way. Some of the most spiritual moments I've had have been on my own. Sitting by the sea, on a morning run, listening to soothing music and sometimes, just silence. I'm quite happy hanging out with me :)

So I'm off tomorrow and I don't think I'll be posting before I leave. So here's to a good couple of weeks for everyone! See you guys soon!

Snap!

I've spent the past couple of days in self-deprecating thought and it really hasn't been pleasant. But this is where it stops. I don't want to waste time thinking about what is lacking in my life. It's a stupid way to live life. Definitely not how I want live mine.

Something snapped inside me late this afternoon. I've got a lot going for me. I know we talk about it a lot and I know it theoretically. But it's a different ball-game putting theory into practice. I know I should focus on the positives. Any fool does. But it's time for me to stand up to my negative thoughts.

Time to move from theory to practice.

"It's not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what's required."
- Sir Winston Churchill

The 'H' List

This one's for Noojes. She's feeling down so I thought I'd try and brighten up her day.

She's given me a letter, 'H' and I have to list ten words beginning with 'H' explaining what the word means to me. Here goes...

Happiness: I came across this formula for happiness. It goes like this

Happiness = No. of desires fulfilled / No. of desires harboured

I've thought about it a lot and it seems to make sense. Go figure.

Health: It means a lot to me. It's about being healthy physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. But more literally, football, jogging/running and squash in the mornings.

Hanging Out: Chilling out with close friends at the cafe next door, drinking wine at Mondy's (weird huh? I'm not big on beer) and watching a movie at Sterling. (It sucks that its shut down!)

Heat: What we're experiencing in Mumbai and most of India right now!

Haggling: I detest bargaining and haggling over prices. Shopping on Colaba Causeway is NOT my scene.

How?: One of the questions I keep asking.

Heather Graham: Very hot!

Hmm... : Thinking about my next two 'H' words! :-D

Himachal Pradesh: One of the most beautiful states of India. And I'm going there for a holiday at the end of the month!!!

High... on life, on white wine (very rarely ;) )

Cheers!

I want to...

...be a better person everyday

...give my best to everything I do

...live my dream

...spend time with myself

...watch the sunrise every morning

...be as fit as I possibly can

...be a better son to my parents

...develop meaningful relationships

...cuss less

...be grateful for all I have been blessed with

...walk in open fields, on the mountains, at the beach and admire Nature

These are some of the things that are important to me. There are times when I act in a manner opposite to what I really want. But what's important is that I keep my chin up and keep trying. I'll get there someday, soon.

One Bad Choice

I'm pissed off with myself. I hate it when I'm not able to live to my standards. There are times when I'm doing good for a few days and then WHAM! I make one rrrrreeaallyyy stupid, lame, irresponsible choice (gritting teeth) that sets me back a long way.

It's like I take two steps forward and one step back. And when I analyse what I've done and try to figure out what ingenious thought led me to my brilliant decision, all I can come up with is 'What was I thinking?!?!?!?!!!' Shit on my face!

Now that I've vented a little on myself, I'm feeling better. :)

One of the problems I've faced in my life is a lack of consistency. I do pretty good in bursts and then screw it up for myself every now and then. I do eventually move towards an objective or goal, but a lot slower than I would like to. It's something I really need to work on. A bit of discipline and mental alertness is what I need probably.

And then my buddy Oscar comes up with a wise one to confuse the hell out of me...
“Consistency is the last resort of the unimaginative” - Oscar Wilde

*sigh*

Six Months

It's been around six months since my long-time girlfriend and me broke up. I still don't know why it happened. I wanted it continue. But I suppose life had other plans for me. It took me a whole year to get into the relationship completely. And then it went on for another four and a half beautiful years. I turned from being someone scared to express my feelings into a carefree soul.

When she decided to take it one step further, I was hesitant. But I went along. Only to find myself standing alone four months later. She started the relationship and ended it and I don't know why. I hold nothing against her. But there are days when it hurts. Today is one of those days.

I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through
And then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe
That there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say
I would do it all again
Just want you to know

Sorry about the bout of self-pity. It's not like me.

More than 'Just Kebabs'

One of my favourite restaurants in Mumbai is shutting down. A place that I've visited atleast once every week for the past two or three years.

This Sunday will be the last business day for 'Just Kebabs'. The owner, Jaideep, is a good friend now and a die-hard football fan like my buddies and me. We have spent many an evening together discussing the future of European football clubs and analysing the strengths and weaknesses of our favourite players. And to say goodbye to all that so suddenly hurts a little (I'm lying, it's a little more than a little). I've gotten attached to the place, the ambience and I-don't-give-a-shit attitude that the restaurant has. Sometimes you'll hear country music, at other times jazz and on Saturday nights, techno even! You'll hear Jaideep pulling up his staff for being inefficient, overhear chatter from the next table and smell the food fresh out of the tandoor. Simple, not the run of the mill McDonald's factory food, uncommercial and laid-back. It's a place with character.

I don't find places like Just Kebabs too often. I don't think I will. In an age of KFCs, Pizza Huts and the rest of the crap that goes around as 'restaurants', it's these little islands of genuine foodies that struggle to survive. I feel sad. Sad that places like this have to shut down when you have a Domino's popping up at every street corner. And all I can do now is recommend a visit to Just Kebabs (for those of you in Mumbai) before Sunday. (The telephone number is 022-22819555.) I'm going to miss it. Because it was always more than 'Just Kebabs'.