Endorphin Junkie/Climaxing Professionally

Endorphin Junkie
I think that's what I am. I've realised, over time, that running and exercise are essential for me to stay in a healthy state of mind. When I don't go to the gym or step out for a run AND it isn't a Sunday, I'm a pretty cranky person.

I've tried various stimulants over time, but there isn't anything that comes close to a good workout. When I think about the time I weighed 92 kgs, it seems like another life.

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Climaxing Professionally
For the first time in several months, I've worked on a really fun project at work. For all of 2.5 days.

I'd liken my experience on the project to an orgasmic climax. You do a lot of work (in the professional context, mostly uninspiring), for those few moments of pleasure.

Yes, I am happy to declare that I've professionally climaxed.

Vodafone Sucks

Yeah, I've finally and officially switched my mobile telecom service provider for several reasons.

1. Vodafone networks are as efficient as my former 83-year-old domestic help. The only difference was her heart was willing but the body wasn't. Vodafone, on the other hand, are a bunch of hapless wankers with no metaphorical 'heart' or 'body'. To put it into perspective, I can't even make calls from my bedroom because of their pathetic network in Mumbai.

2. My cell phone bills have nearly doubled over the past three or four months because they decided to unceremoniously discontinue an old SMS package which gave me text messages at 30p. They now charge me Rs.1 per SMS as a result. Hence the inflated phone bill. When I asked for a plan with better SMS rates, they politely asked me to fuck off by telling me to switch to a prepaid connection. That was the last nail in the coffin.

3. I had to call their helpline (111 or 98200 98200) about 9 times to actually make myself audible because their crap-all network made everything sound like a badly skipping CD. When I finally did get through to a Relationship Officer, the dipshit tried to sell me a prepaid plan again. I had to tell him, about thrice, that I was no longer interested in a 'relationship' with Vodafone and instead of telling me about ways to stay with Vodafone, he should just tell me about the procedure to deactivate this mockery of a mobile phone connection.

To cut a long story short, I've now moved to BPL Mobile. 200 free calls and text messages for 200 bucks. 50p per SMS (National), 50p for a local call, Rs.1 for STD calls and, take a deep breath, lifetime free caller line identification service. (That saves the 75 bucks/month I spend on the service with Vodafone, bastards.)

Vodafone sucks. And really, pretty much anything is better than them. Long live market forces! :)

Now to let everybody know my new, easier to remember cell phone number.... MUUAAAHHHAHAHAAHHAHA!!!

Running #8

Today's Stats:
Distance: 10 km
Timing: 55 min 5 secs

Indoor, slower, controlled, relaxing.

Exactly one year ago...

... I walked into my current employer's office for the second 'first time'. (It's my second stint here.)
... I was happy to be single again.
... I was happy to be back where I work.
... I wouldn't have run the half-marathon in 2 hours.
... I was a different person. But not too much. I think.
... I was SO out of touch with good, new music.
... I was determined to go to Bangalore for the Aerosmith gig. (What a trip!)

Running #7

Today's Stats:
Distance: 8 km
Time: 43 min 45 secs

Very satisfying, much better weather and a strong finish.

Running #6

Today's Stats:
Distance: 8 km
Time: 44 min 54 secs

Outdoor run. Struggled. Pushed. Huffed and puffed. Very tiring for some strange reason. Just wasn't in the zone. One of those 'happy to have finished' runs.

The Prophet

I don't remember if I've mentioned this earlier, but Gibran's work, The Prophet, is one of my favourite books ever.

When I read the book for the first time, it was for solace. But when I read it the second time, it was with a more open mind. To learn, to understand.

Here's a brilliant excerpt from the book:
Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

I don't think I've read anything more moving. And true.

The Weekend That Was

So I'm on the eve of the next workweek, again. *Sigh* It has been a most satisfying unproductive weekend though :)

Shooting the breeze with friends, watching Premier League football, gymming leisurely without having to look at the watch in the mornings, a great trip to Pune. The drive to Pune and back was super. Music, open roads and a smooth ride. Bliss.

Weekend highlight: This was difficult to pick. Probably Chelsea coming from behind to pip Arsenal 2-1. I have to say, I couldn't contain my joy when Didier Drogba hammered his second goal into the back of the net. The ladies with us looked on with disbelief at our savage celebrations. The things sport can do to you. :) Ok, I'm going to cheat and add another highlight. Staying up late on Sunday night!!! It felt sooooo good to be up late on Sunday without having to care about waking up early on Monday for work. It felt like eating yummy crumbly chocolate chip cookies without having to bother about those annoying little crumbs falling on the carpet. Magical!

Tomorrow, it's back to deadlines, reviews, checklists... and my office buddies! At least something to look forward to.

Time to make the best of what's left!

An addition :)

From her blog, I think she's a full-on foodie. Some wonderful writing and thoughts. Meet Chiffonesque.

Do visit when time permits.

Revenge Ink

I'm proud and happy to announce that my uncle and aunt have gone guerilla. No, not with AK-47s and rocket launchers, but with their very own publishing house, Revenge Ink.

Not only that, they've also written a book each! The one by my uncle, Gopal Mukherjee, is called The Armageddon Mandala and the book written by my aunt, Amita Mukherjee, is called The Ugly Duckling.

They've overcome tremendous odds to achieve what they have and I'd say, in many ways, the very publishing of the book is a great achievement by itself. Rebels and iconoclasts, they've put their necks on the line to do what they believed in and for that, I respect them immensely.

I spent the weekend in Pune after their booklaunch at Crossword, Mumbai and we chatted into the wee hours of the morning talking about life, authenticity and how important it is to pursue your beliefs. Some of the best conversation I've had in a while.

One point that we discussed was the invulnerability of people who choose to live their dreams despite the odds. They become invulnerable not because they are immune to failure (or success), but because they come to accept their vulnerability and embrace it rather than fear it. It's an interesting thought. One that I've mulled over for a while and it was amazing to hear someone else express their belief in it.

Anyway, do pick up their books at a Crossword near you. They're funny, witty, insightful and the language is zany! :)

P.S. Revenge Ink also has a writing competition going for budding authors. So if you've got stuff you'd like to have published, drop by the Revenge Ink Competition Page.

Running #5

Today's Stats:
Distance: 10 km
Time: 55 min 35 secs

Did an indoor run on the gym treadmill. Ran at an easy clip, relaxed right through, controlled and didn't push myself after the long weekend shenanigans :)

Additions to the list

I've updated the list of blogs I visit often. The new additions are:

1. Inkscrawl
2. The City Life... and travels beyond
3. Simply Complicated

The Cost of Freedom

• A displaced and exiled Government.
• Punishment and death by a ruthless oppressor resulting the death of an estimated death of 1.2 million people. That's a conservative estimate.
• Foreigners being transported into their homeland by the oppressor to disperse the population. Today, for every native, there are three foreigners in their own land.
• A spiritual leader of the country who cannot go home to where he belongs.

How long will the people of Tibet suffer illegal Chinese occupation? Sometimes, things in life make you wonder where justice is hiding.

Obese? Your employer suffers

If you're in Japan, that is. Employees have to go through compulsory 'flab-checks'. Overweight people get a fitness and diet plan. Excessively obese people have to go to the doctor.

All this to cut down soaring medical costs.

No I didn't make this up!

Meditation Works. So Says (Neuro)Science.

Apparently, we now have scientific evidence that meditation is good for us. While I don't meditate myself, some of the things in the article I read really struck me.

It said that we indulge in 'too much frantic doing' and 'not enough being'. I completely agree. Most times when I've felt stressed are when I've focused too much on getting someplace (physically or otherwise) where I'm not. When I've been obssessed about getting to the destination rather than just enjoying the journey.

In fact, that is one of my many life philosophies now. The journey has become the destination.

Running #4

Today's Stats:
Distance: 8 km
Time: 44 min 4 sec

Considering I almost didn't go, I guess it's a decent time.

It was one of those mornings when you wake up say to yourself, "I don't think I'm up to it, today." I wasn't. But I had one of those life-changing dumps. And I came out of the toilet a new man. I felt light as a feather :) There was no way I could not go.

So I got out there and huffed and puffed my lungs out. I think the heat and humidity are taking about 20 seconds off my times for the 8 km runs. Don't know for sure though. Will track the trends over the next two or three weeks.

Juno

One of the... I'm looking for the word... rraawwllrrraall... I can't find a word for it... nicest(?) movies I've seen in a while.

I loved the dialogue, the Americanisms (Leah: It's probably just a food baby. Did you have a big lunch? Juno MacGuff: No, this is not a food baby all right? I've taken like three pregnancy tests, and I'm forshizz up the spout.), the humour, the emotion and the treatment of the subject of teen pregnancy.

Juno is way cute. Bleeker is well, Bleeker. You have to see him to believe it. In Juno's words, he's the cheese in her macaroni! :)

Her relationship with her father and step-mom is weirdly beautiful. One of my favourite scenes is when Juno asks her dad if two people in love can really stay together.

For the record, I believe they can. :) Do watch!

P.S. Orange Tic Tacs rule! :)

Running #3

Today was time for an interval run. What's an interval run? Alternate between walking and relatively high-speed running.

Today's pattern:
3 mins of walking @ 5 km/h followed by a 1 km run @ 13.5 km/h (X 5 times)

This run is a killer! By the time you've reached the end of the 4th 1 km interval, your body wants to stop.

That's how it was today. The body desperately wanted to stop, but fortunately, the mind was willing. I pushed really hard on that last interval and it was well worth the effort.

I don't know what it is but always finishing the run that I set out to achieve has been one of the greatest pleasures of my life. It sounds like overkill. But if you've done a bit of running, you might understand how I feel.

The belief, confidence and high that you get when you always, always run the distance you decided to run is amazing. Until now, I've never had an unplanned stop while running. Sometimes, I think it's because I'm really stubborn that I never give up. Maybe stubborness' flip side is tenacity.

Running #2

Yesterday's Stats:
Distance: 8 km
Time: 45 min 19 sec

Amongst the worst runs I've had in a while. Extremely tiring, very hot weather and wayyyy too humid. It was like an oven out there and no breeze either. Just happy to have finished it.

Around the Corner

One of the most beautiful things about life, as I've only recently begun to appreciate, is that you never know what's around the corner. How often do we plan things, have to-do lists, have goals and objectives, call it what you will, and then suddenly something happens that just turns life on its head. Sometimes, it's a bad thing. Sometimes, it's a good thing. And then sometimes, it's just a thing, not good or bad. But it changes your life in some way. In a way you didn't expect.

That's what amazes me everytime. I used to be one of those planning types. Organised. I used to have goals, have a picture of myself five years down the road and all the usual success literatury things that we read in books. And then one of those unexpected events happened that would change the way I saw life.

I'm still sort of organised. But I have no goals. Nowhere where I want to be apart from where I am right now. I believe that there's an intelligence that is far greater than me that knows where I need to be. It's not that I've stopped taking responsibility for my actions but just that experiences in life make me believe that often, I don't know what is best for me.

You do what you believe you need to do, do it to the best of your ability and then let destiny take care of itself. Every moment, my belief is 'I am where I want to be.' It's a thought that has given me tremendous peace and strength. Whether it's a spending a late Friday evening at work or having a blast with my friends at my school re-union, that is where I was supposed to be. Despite my not wanting or wanting to be there at that instant.

That's why every day feels like an adventure. It's a real bummer at times. But then at others, it's like a fairy tale unfolding itself before my eyes. With me as a character.

I love not knowing what life has in store for me. Whether I will live to see tomorrow or not, I will enjoy the journey while it lasts.

Bear the tough experiences, ride the highs, learn from mistakes and be grateful for everything.

I have learnt to give up control of my life, but not the responsibility.

A Mind Reader?

Arrested for thought crimes. Other people knowing about your dreams. Bush's cronies in Homeland Security know how you feel about your annoying neighbour.

Just maybe. If the wrong people get their hands on this!

A device that can read minds apparently. Sort of cool. And sort of scary even.

Running #1

From now on, in addition to other random posts, I'm going to try and document my timings on morning runs so I can track my progress. (Assuming I make any progress)

Today's Stats:
Distance: 10 km
Time: 54 min 1 sec

Deat at a Funeral

Definitely one of the funniest movies I've ever watched, if not THE funniest.

British humour, idyllic English countryside setting, and brilliant characters. A recipe for a stomach-clenching laugh-a-thon.

As the title suggests, it's about a funeral, last rites, and a lot of wrongs!

I'm not going to spoil your fun by telling you the story. I love the movie too much to do that. Admittedly, it is disgusting at times. But funny disgusting. So if you fancy sarcastic humour, a bit of slapstick and some wit, this is a movie you cannot miss.

It left me doubled-over innumerable times during the movie with a stomach-ache that I thought would eventually kill me. My friends and I made the most noise in the theatre and later, we concluded it was a movie made for our insane humour.

Characters to watch out for: Uncle Alfie, Martha's boyfriend, the guy who's coming to the funeral to hit on Martha, the midget

P.S. If you do watch it, let me know if you liked it and what you thought of the movie.

Friday Evening

It's been a strange day.

I left home late because I got home late from work last night. Traffic was a bitch. Work, today, was annoying because, like yesterday, I had to wait for 4 hours for other people to finish their work before I could go on with mine. Traffic was a bigger bitch on the way home because the wimpy Chief Minister of Maharashtra's (equivalent to the Governor of a state in the US) son decided to get married. Then I stayed home instead of going out with my friends which I usually do. Now I'm writing this post at 11.16 p.m.

But I'm still feeling good.

How weird is that! I've been good this week somehow. Feeling less rushed. More in control.

Right now, I'm in this happy haze. Grateful for having a decent job (that still pisses me off every now and then). Having such wonderful people at work to hang out with. I really mean that. I don't have to pretend to be this corporate wanker. Instead, I can just be the wanker that I am. No politicking, no games.

Grateful for having these crazy friends outside work who I would trust my life with.

Grateful for all the special people who have been part of my life and gone on. Every one of them has touched my life in ways they will never know.

Grateful to my mother for being who she is. Tough, yet gentle.

And finally, grateful to that unknown force that keeps this crazy world going. Thank you.

I couldn't ask for anything more.

Wow

I just heard a couple of songs by Amy Winehouse (fine, I'm a late bloomer) and her music is awesome! Love is a Losing Game, Rehab and Tears Dry on Their Own are some of the songs I've listened to and they're so easy on the ears!

Soulful, mellow, soothing.

Some of the words that come to mind when I listen to her music. Great to unwind!

Questions

As a person who asks many questions, not necessarily to others, I've found that there's a whole bunch of categories as far as questions go. Here's my little classification:

1. I'd-rather-nots: Questions that you ask but don't really want an answer to.
Banal: You're looking at yourself in the mirror preening away when you realise you've put on a few kilos you could've done without. So you suck your tummy in and ask, "Have I put on weight?" *Sound of the wrong answer buzzer* I'd rather not know.
Not-so-banal: You've screwed up at home with your sibling/parent/spouse and you go, "What did I do?" *Sound of the wrong answer buzzer* You DON'T want to go down that road!

2. Answerables: These questions can be of four types, a) easy to answer and pleasant, b) easy to answer and unpleasant, c) not easy to answer and pleasant OR, d) the worst one of them all, not easy to answer AND unpleasant a.k.a. the double whammy.
Banal: So where are we going to dinner? Type a or c OR depending on who you're with, a type b!
Not-so-banal: Does s/he like me? I'd rate this as type c and a potentially type d question.

3. Unanswerables: I find these questions the most intriguing. They're the kind of questions that creep up on you when you're staring into nothingness at the airport terminal or sitting by the ocean watching the waves crash onto the rocks. Most often, there are no answers. There are no banal examples in my opinion so we'll do the examples a bit differently here.
Relatively less not-so-banal: You've just graduated from college with a degree in Philosophy. What do I do with my life now? How do I plan to spend the rest of my life constructively... or not? Making ends meet kind of stuff.
Relatively more not-so-banal: Is this how it was meant to be?

I don't know what it is about the unanswerables that catches my fancy. Maybe I'm not constructively occupied enough. I don't know. They can be real monsters. Consume you. Drive you to every nook and cranny of your little mind. They make you scan your experiences, scan others' experiences, observe yourself, observe others. Maybe more. But the answers just aren't there.

I find that most of life's BIG questions have no real concrete answers. What is the purpose of life? Is there a purpose? What is its meaning? Or why should there be any meaning to it? Why can't I go through life like a journey? Possibly a journey to nowhere in particular? Why should I be judged on what I have achieved? Why can't I go through life enjoying what I have instead of always looking for what I don't have?

There are no easy answers to these. I don't mean answers like "You're real purpose is to find your true Self." or "You must have a goal to give your life meaning." Things like that just don't cut ice with me anymore. Can you define this true Self? And what happens once I realise my goal? Does my life have no meaning beyond that? Or do I have to go looking for meaning at 54 once I have realised my goal? Give me a break.

You know what the fun part about the unanswerables is though? It's that every now and then life will give you these little glimpses of what you think is the answer until you meet another experience that smashes your conclusion until you reach a point where you say to yourself, "Alright, I may not find the answers, but I can keep seeking."

What do you think?
P.S. If you have categories to add, please do! :)

Inevitable

in·ev·i·ta·ble [in-ev-i-tuh-buhl]
–adjective
1.
unable to be avoided, evaded, or escaped; certain; necessary: an inevitable conclusion.
2.
sure to occur, happen, or come; unalterable: The inevitable end of human life is death.
–noun
3. that which is unavoidable.

Yeah, for some inexplicable reason, that word is just stuck in my head!

Needless to say, the consequences are inevitable. ;)

Gifting Dilemma

My mum's birthday is in another couple of days and I have no idea what to get her.

She's one of those people who don't want anything in particular which makes it EXTRA hard to figure out a gift. She's not into flowers. No perfumes. None of the usual women gifts! Sorry to stereotype!! :) But you know what I mean.

I'll take her out to dinner for sure. She loves Thai food so atleast that makes things easier.

Now to buy a gift.

Running out of idea's... and time!!!

Number 5784

That was my marathon day running number. The run was great and I enjoyed myself thoroughly. Needless to say I was pooped after it. And hurting.

21 kms. 2 hours and 2 seconds. Next year will be a sub-2 hour run for sure.

Some of the sights and sounds as I ran (some in my head):

• The loud Punjabi bhangra at Fountain
• Thousands of feet pounding the streets of Mumbai at 6.45 on a Sunday morning
• The Navy brass band at Marine Drive
• Fellow runners from the gym cheering each other on as we crossed each other
• Watching in awe as the Kenyans whooshed by at nearly 17 km/h at Haji Ali
• Struggling on the uphill on the way back at Peddar Road
• Looking out for the water counters on the way
• Turning the corner at Babulnath on the way back knowing I was on the home stretch
• The thought of slowing down near Chowpatty with 4 kms to go.
• Can't slow down now
• Running on empty as I see the finish line in the distance
• An eternity passes until, at last, I am back where I began

Happy Birthday Papa

My old man would've turned 60 on Jan 18, 2008. Funny thing is, a few of his friends still called in to wish us, they spoke with my mother, laughed, cried and reminisced about the times they spent with him.

Not a day goes by when I don't think about him, when I don't feel his happy, gentle spirit by my side. I am blessed to have had a father like him. Thank you, Papa. I hope you're happy wherever you are.

Marathoning

It's that time of the year again. It's marathon time. A time I always look forward to. I haven't been to any other marathon but the Mumbai Marathon is special for me. The spirit that you see, the camaraderie, the charity that is done through it and the overall feel-good factor is huge.

It's amazing to see thousands of people coming out on Sunday morning to support a variety of causes and not-for-profits, to see groups of people running on the streets on Sundays in the lead up to the marathon, to come across random folks on the road who'll give you the thumbs-up when you go past.

How do you capture moments like that? It's one of those moments you live your life for.

Mumbai Marathon, here I come.

French Royalty in India?

The heir apparent to the now defunct French throne supposedly lives in Bhopal, India. How random is that?!?!

Click here to read the story.

Taare Zameen Par - My Take

One of the nicest Hindi movies I've watched in a while.

While the movie's message is really nice, its significance in our society, conservative as we are, is even more so. If you're not a doctor, engineer or an MBA in India, you're pretty much nothing.

We're a society that craves pigeon-holing people in order to simplify our world-view and create a hierarchy where there is none. The "smartest" people do engineering and medicine. The left-overs do an MBA to catch up with them. Of course, if you're an engineer and an MBA, you've got the sun shining out of your ass. Never mind that you have no idea how to treat other people with respect or that you have no skills apart from being this bad-ass number cruncher.

The point of the movie is this, each one has something special that he or she brings into the world. Yes, some of these may not be encashable gifts, but they are gifts nonetheless. No one should make you feel any the less.

I remember going through school as an average student and we were always made to feel like that. Average. Everything I was came summarized in this little piece of paper we got twice or thrice a year with a bunch of numbers on them. They called them report cards. Looking back, if I had a choice, I'd use them as ass-wipes.

What I'm getting at is that people are always trying to compartmentalise us right through life. It starts when you step into school and never stops after that. You fail a Math test in fifth grade and suddenly you're labeled "dull". No one cares that you may have problems at home, or that you may have a problem with numbers but are great at singing. Nope. You're dull. And you live with that tag, thinking you're just average unless you look around and ask questions. Not just of society, but of your own false self-image that you've created as a result of other people's opinions.

For me, the movie is a reminder to not judge people merely on achievement. People are far too complex to be able to slot them in little silos. The if-s/he-can-do-this-then-s/he-can-do-that argument doesn't work in life. Some of the most beautiful people I've met haven't achieved much. For me though, it's enough that they're beautiful people. No award or degree would make them any more or less special.

Life isn't simple. But that doesn't make it less beautiful.

Been a while...

Yeah, it's been a while since I've come by here. I've just been sucked into work stuff and by the time I come back, I'm too knackered to post anything on to the blog.

Anywho, my only new year resolution is to give me some more personal time. And that includes posting more regularly.

I can't believe we're in 2008 already. It feels like 2007 just whizzed by. All in all a good year, but a good year to come to an end as well :) It was a strange year though. It started off wonderfully and suddenly everything fell apart early into the year. The engagement break-up took a lot out of me and I've learnt to be a little wiser before getting into arranged setups. Ignorance is not always bliss. Since then, it's been a process of rebuilding, rethinking and starting from scratch in many ways.

Going back to my old job has been good. I've really enjoyed my time at work. I must confess I complain sometimes, but all in all, I'm happy with work. I think the best part about the office is that I've been fortunate to meet wonderful people at work. Folks I can hang out with outside of office and yet not talk about work.

Apart from work, I think I've been getting trashed too often so I'm going to take it easy on the drinking this year. I drink only on weekends, but the number of times I've woken up the next morning not remembering stuff that happened the previous night has been more frequent than I would've liked.

Strangely, I've also been feeling much fitter than I did in 2006. The new gym has been excellent. Good trainers, a professional setup and I look forward to going there every morning.

On the dating front, nothing to write home about. I did meet interesting people in 2007, one of them was really nice, but it didn't work out. I'm not complaining. You can't fuck with destiny.

In short, life has been good to me in 2007. I've had some super moments and some nasty lows. But that's how it rolls I guess. I've got everything I could've wanted... a loving family, great friends and a lot of other stuff. Thank you, 2007. And welcome to you, 2008.

Hope you have a great year ahead! :)

When did...

... a bigger car become a better drive?

... a fancier house become a beautiful home?

... a faster computer mean better use of technology?

... a lot of knowledge come to be seen as true wisdom?

... more become better?

Worth Reading

Here's a post written by a friend of mine, Alexys. Really nice.

Thus spake Albert Camus...

"I had been right, I was still right, I was always right. I had lived my life one way and I could just as well have lived it another."

Couldn't have said it better.

Borat Gets Another Fan

Okay folks, I know I'm a bit of a late bloomer as far as this movie is concerned but I watched it only this weekend and it cracked me up! LOL

I swear, my stomach was killing me! I haven't seen more repulsive imagery in a long long time and I haven't laughed so hard in years!

My favourite scene in the movie is when Borat and Azamat (or whatever his name is) are standing in the elevator butt-naked and the other people's reactions...

Tears of laughter were streaming down my face!!! hahah... I kid you... NOT!

If you haven't watched this flick and are in a retarded mood, don't look much further.

Borat's opening dialogue...

"My name Borat. I like you. I like sex. Is nice!"

Why Are/Aren't We Happy?

Heck, I don't have the answers. But this video is pretty damn interesting. Enjoy!



If you have problems viewing the video here, click here. It might be easier.

I'm craving Indian Chinese Food...

1. A yummy steamed moon faan rice (with mushrooms)
2. Tofu, snowpeas, broccoli in black bean sauce (sorry, I'm vegetarian :P )... go to item 7 on list if you've read items 3, 4, 5 and 6 already
*drools on keyboard*
3. No I did not!!! ;)
4. Oh I forgot, a vegetable manchow soup to start with
5. Fried corn curd (c'mon.. even you non-vegetarians love this!)
6. Now go to item 1 on this list
7. and a to-die-for date pancake with vanilla ice-cream to end the meal
8. Bliss :)
9. Any guesses why I didn't continue writing computer programs? :)

OR

1. The Quick Wok at All Stir Fry (Gordon House Hotel, Colaba)

I seriously need to drag my ass to China Gate, Ling's Pavilion or All Stir Fry tonight.

What I would do for a Chinese meal now...

So I Changed My Mind

Yeah, I decided to come back to this little space. Dunno, just felt I had stuff to say and nowhere to say it anymore. I felt like blogging after ages and this is really the only place I know.

Anyway, lots has happened since I blogged here last... I'm back to single life, I've started on my new old job and I'm enjoying myself with the fun people at my office, I now carpool with a couple of colleagues from work and I'm really really grateful that they are tolerant of me! (Yeah, I like my carpool :) )I've joined this really expensive *shudders* gym close to home in the hope that it will help me get my half-marathon time under 2 hours (two weeks and I have to say it kicks ass!), the social life has shifted up a few notches which of course means my video-gaming skills have taken a beating (I'm not complaining), I attempted yet another long distance relationship (old habits die hard).. which reminds me, I want to watch Die Hard 4.0 tomorrow! Deep down I know I'm not going to like it but the first two parts were awesome!

In case you haven't noticed, I've also become really random.

Besides that... umm... YEAHAAA... I got me a tattoo!!!!!! on my lower neck/back and I absolutely love it!!! Yeah people, I got inked. Don't believe me?

Here you go

Coming Back To Life

One of my favourite songs ever...

Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of lifeand the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And headed straight..into the shining sun

The Death of a Blog

Hello Folks,

It is the time to ring in some changes. I've been blogging here since June 2005 and it has been my faithful ally in the best and worst of times. I've had the chance to meet some wonderful people through here who have humored, inspired, entertained and mesmerised me with their writing.

I have shared some of my deepest thoughts here, some of my rants and a lot of general observations about life and its strange ways.

The time has come to move on. I wont be blogging actively from here on but I will continue to drop in on the numerous blogs I've had the good fortune of stumbling upon.

So here's where 'Ajeya' says goodbye to you. Will he ever return to the blogosphere? Possible. But definitely in a new avatar. I value the friends I've made through here and I wish all of you the very best in the years to come. Reading your blogs has definitely made my life richer.

Au Revoir!

Peace.

Observation

I was just coming up in the elevator with a nieghbour and I asked about her dog, Rani, a female. Turns out Rani's quite a handful and requires more attention than her more pedigreed friends. When I asked why, without batting an eyelid she replied by saying 'She's a female.'

Clouded

It's weird how things seem to be going just fine when, suddenly, something blows up in your face.

I was shocked last weekend by what I heard about someone close to me. It's about the person's past and it could have a huge impact on our relationship. I'm emotionally confused and drained right now.

Some of the questions that are lingering in my head...
...what would drive someone to behave like that?
...what if I have to deal with that kind of behaviour?
...how do I accept such dark truths about someone?
...how am I to feel about the person now?

I'm confused, dazed and shocked and right now I'm struggling to cope.

My mind has never been so clouded.

Just looking forward to the new old job in April.

Back Where I Belong

I didn't want to post about this earlier but I'm happy to say I'm moving back to a company I have worked with earlier. When I look back on my fledgling career, this is the one company I've been really proud to work for. Of course there have been moments of disappointment and disgust, but all in all, it's like going back home. Back to the wonderful friends I made, the cafeteria where a lot more than lunch and coffee happens (ahem ahem) and moments when you'll ask yourself "Is this really work?"

I remember there was this one project we worked on where each of us on the team wrote short scripts for a kid's program. Those brainstorming sessions were something else! They were ridiculous! :) Even thinking of them makes me smile.

At the same time, I'm aware that each company has its drawbacks. At someplaces you'll get loads of money but rather crappy work and at others, you'll get great work but not-so-great money. There's always a trade-off somewhere.

One of the little lessons life has taught me is to not expect too much out of it. Expectations, in my opinion, are bad, bad friends to have. They can really mess you up. When there are no expectations, you learn to to deal with the shit that gets thrown your way and enjoy the unexpected highs. Life becomes a roller-coaster you can enjoy rather than having to throw up midway through the ride. That's why I'm not expecting this job change to be all that I have dreamt of. It isn't. But it is a step in the right direction.

So come April, I will be back where I belong.

I Really Do Wish

Life has been moving at pace way to fast for me in the last month. Lots of family dinners celebrating the engagement and simply unreal work pressure. I haven't had too much time with myself. Alone, quiet moments in the evening by the sea at Cuffe Parade overlooking Nariman Point and Queen's Necklace. Watching the lights twinkle in distance. Listening to the voices of the ocean waves.

Instead, it's been a big flurry of activity. Most of it fun and some not-so-fun. The only time I usually get to spend with myself is on my long drive to and from work. Music has been my only solace.

Today's drive was sad though. Maybe it was my dream about my father. Having to say bye to him as he seemed to be floating away and there was nothing to do but stand and watch. It was a really sad dream. And while I was thinking of all this, Floyd came up on the mp3 player with 'Wish you were here'. It made me think of Papa even more and I sang to him...

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

I really do wish

Words to Live By

I think I mentioned I was reading about Sufism in some of my earlier posts. One thought that really struck me are the words of the great Sufi master Hazrat Inayat Khan. He says...

"Even the punishment of the God of compassion is in itself a reward."

Words that I will always try to keep in my consciousness.

Memoirs of a Laid-back Rebel

What you're going to read is an excerpt from a rather nice book I'm reading called "Bombay to Eternity" by Uma Ranganathan. In my mind, this (although I haven't finished reading the book yet) is the best passage from the book....

"How trusting can one afford to be in life? you invariably ask yourself, surrounded as you are by a world full of suspicion and betrayal. Until another question occurs to you and that is: can one afford to live without trust in this world? Words, you might be saying to yourself as you read this. Nothing but semantics. So, let's get to the bottom of the whole business and see whom or what it is we are supposed to trust and why.

Today, when I look at it, I see that trust has to do with something much larger than yourself or anybody you know. Trust, at its deepest, is what you feel towards an intelligence infinitely superior to your own and which you sense is guiding you from some spot you can't quite pinpoint. It is what you feel for the nebulous presence from which you emerged and which is - and always will be - more to you than any living person on earth. You feel it for the simple reason that you are - we all are - finally, children of that nameless cloud.

The sad thing is you don't recognize it anymore. You've switched your allegiance, as you grew up, from that which was true and eternal to something that will fade with time.

Trust. You lose it. Your connection with your true parent and with yourself dwindles, you fall out of the hallowed state, your mind starts closing its doors. Before you know it, you are no longer God the Baby wanting to experience the human side. You've been pulled over across a kind of fence in the mind to become 'one of them'. A Hindu, a Christian, a Muslim or a Jain. A bus driver, engineer, doctor, social worker. Your trust is now reserved for those who look like you, talk like you, think like you. You're finished. It's a long way back to where you came from."

It left me with an awkward lump in my throat.

The Wild Side - Rediscovered

So much has happened in the past year that I don't even know where to begin (or end for that matter.) And the year isn't even over!

One of the things that has happened in the last two months has been a paradigm-shift (yes, I know I sound like those jargon-spouting fresh-out-of-b-school-grads but what the fuck), where was I? Yes, paradigm-shift, in the way I live my life. I've rediscovered my wild side and I haven't been happier EVER! I don't know how long this will last but I'm going to enjoy it as long as it does.

What do I mean by wild? Not drugs, alcohol, parties, sex... I could do with the last item on the list. (It's been a while *sigh*) I just do exactly as I feel. Irrespective of the consequences. I hate pretending to be grown-up, serious and mature. I've started living life with the enthusiasm of a 13-year-old. Why 13 you ask? I just remember life being a lot more fun when I was 13. It reminds me of the time I sprayed shaving foam all over the school walls after the last day of exams. And you know what I got for doing that? The award for best academic improvement!!! Hahaha... fucking hilarious. I'd never have given me that award. Honest to god. I must admit that it was flattering to receive an award for damaging school property but shit happens :)

Yeah, so I've gone back to the 13-year-old phase but with a much wider perspective. It's like the enthu of a 13-year-old coupled with Ajeya's experience as he stands today. It's fantastic! And it's not like good things have been happening all while. But life teaches you to just accept it as it comes.

One of the things that has really helped me is faith. Faith in God. Faith in the goodness of people. Without expecting anything back. And, of course, acceptance. It works like magic.

Dunno how to feel...

OK, I'm sort of confused. Let me explain...

So one of these women that I went out with over the past couple months is super fun, super crazy (like me!) and digs me even. Where's the hitch? She's sort of into another relationship, not yet going out, doesn't know where it's heading kinda thing. And did I mention I totally dig her too? Last Saturday, we were thisclose to kissing but stopped just short of it. So we spoke on Sunday and said we'd just go with the flow and see where it goes. But she kept saying she didn't want to lead me on. I don't even know if she's led me on, stuff has just... happened. My friends totally like her and I, to be honest to myself, really like her too.

Aside:
I don't even know if I should be writing about this on my blog since I've discovered there are many lurkers around these parts, whom I know. But I don't want to change the spirit of the blog. It's always been more writing to myself so I'm going to continue in the same vein...

Now yesterday, a close family friend has asked me to meet another woman to see if 'I might interested in a long-term relationship with her'. For those of you who arent' Indian, this is how arranged marriages work. There's massive social networking that goes on to get single, "marriagable" folk hooked up, to be married of course. So now, I'm supposed meet this new woman and figure out if I like her and want to eventually get married. Meeting people for a purpose sorta freaks me out. The purpose always seems to overshadow the people. You know what I'm saying? (for family members who lurk here... SHHHHHHH! IT'S AN ORDER! you know who you are! I will run away from home if you go about advertising it to ANYBODY! I promise you)

Anyhow, I don't know about this whole marriage thing. I don't want to brood over it too much but it's what's currently in my head so I'm spilling it out here. Basically, I really like the woman mentioned in the first part of this post. And I'm going to go with the flow. Do exactly what I feel the right thing to do is and see how it goes.

I love the confusion and unpredicatability of this whole thing. I have no idea what's going to happen. And deep down, I'm cool with anything.

The other day I was proposing the concept of surprise marriages to a friend. You know how you have surprise birthdays? Same thing! Except you see who you're marrying right at the wedding. Haha... What a trip! Imagine that! Going into your own wedding having no idea who you're going to marry. No prenups allowed! :)

Where Was I?

Before I get down to answering that question, I will be highly presumptious and apologise to fellow bloggers who have been coming here to check this space out. To those who haven't, well, you havent' missed much.

So much has happened in the last month...

• Work Life: I've retreated to the familiar waters of e-learning after a brief and a not-so-encouraging stint at an advertising agency. I'm terrible at copywriting! Just to put in perspective, I've moved from thinking of a usp of an agricultural micro-credit scheme for rural India to studying the female reproductive system. I don't think I need to explain my decision to return to e-learning further.
• Social Life: I've been having an absolute blast with my friends. As I've said earlier, this is a bunch of guys I've know for an average of 15 years ranging from a maximum of 21 to a minimum of 9. (Sorry about that, I studied Statistics in college a bit too seriously I think) So we've been doing our usual numbers, Mondy's on a weekend afternoon, gaming (FIFA 2007 on the PS2. Yes, we can't afford the ps3 just yet), warming our asses at the Sterling Barista discussing life, philosophy, sex, women, dating (or the lack of it), watching the English Premier League with great intensity (I almost broke my arm after Chelsea scored against Man U!). Oh and I've been on some great dates! Two really interesting women! One of them is already going out with someone, long-distance, I think. Don't know how things will turn out but I'm just rolling with it. Went sailing with one of them. It was awesome. My first time. Although I don't think the woman enjoyed it too much. Whatever. So basically the dating scene is sorta picking up.
• Football & Exercise: I've been regular with football but I really need to put in the miles for the Mumbai Marathon in Jan. And it doesn't help that my left butt cheek is bruised and hurting like crazy after taking a fall during Friday morning football. *sigh*

Hope you guys are all well, Alexys, RM, Haathi, Noojes, Esprit, Satandit. See you around!

Nice!

Things have been nice over the past couple weeks. I've been feeling good after a day's work so the weekdays are peaceful and weekends are usually happy too (with or without injesting stimulants). I'm enjoying life now and will take each day as it comes.

So yesterday I was sitting at the Barista near Sterling with a couple of friends and they were telling me how difficult it is to meet new women and stuff. How they so badly wanted to date someone and how the 'right' oppotunity never presented itself. As consultant philosopher to my friends, I added my two bits and told them something I had heard another friend say a few days earlier that really hit home. She said 'When you stop craving, the universe conspires to give you what you want.'

I thought about that line for a long time after hearing it. And it made sense. It's weird but I've seen it to be true. I can't figure out the logic behind it, but it works and when it does, it's the most beautiful, happy feeling ever!

Foul-tongued

I was just reading my last post and I have to say I have no idea what was going through my head when I wrote it. So vague! :) One of those moments when you look out the window with no thoughts going through your head and somewhere in between, you write a post. My ex-girlfriend would always ask me, 'What are you thinking?' when I did this and the usual reply would be 'Nothing.' Just wondering, am I the only one who trips out like this?

I digress. So, I was saying, I went through this phase, it lasted some five years, when I thought cursing was a bad thing. So instead of saying 'fuck', which I was saying in my mind anyway, I'd actually say something like 'flip'. Somehow, I was never fully convinced of this 'bad language' argument that I had been brain-washed with so I spent the last few years observing people and what they were saying, in terms of language usage and context. My conclusion is that no word is 'bad' per se. It's about the attitude with which we say something that really makes it 'nasty' or 'not-nasty'.

I've heard some of the most 'refined' people at their eloquent best tear people to shreds and I've heard 'crude' people use what we call 'foul language' to say something really nice about people.

As a result of these observations, I have decided to go back to saying what is in my head, whatever the words be; 'crude', 'refined', 'good', 'bad'... whatever. Because it's not what we say that really matters, it's the feeling with which we say something that really comes across.

So to all those tea-sipping-pinkys-sticking-out, bitching-about-their-friends, smooth-talking people, here what I have to say to you...

Fuck Y'all!

Blur

Life's a big, beautiful blur. Listening to 'Stuck in a Moment' by U2. For your reading pleasure, a few lyrics from the song:

"I'm not afraid of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard...

...And you are such a fool to worry like you do
I know it's tough and you can never get enough of what you don't really need now
My, oh my

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it..."

It's just a moment. This time will pass.

Siddhartha

'Siddhartha' is one of my favourite books. I've read it a few times already yet everytime I read it, I discover something I did not see earlier.

One of my favourite parts of the book is towards the end when Siddhartha's friend, Govinda meets him while crossing the river. A great disciple of the Enlightened Gotama, Govinda discloses that though he has searched all his life, he has still not achieved his goal of Realisation. When he asks Siddhartha for the secret of his Peace, Siddhartha gives this brilliant reply.

'When someone is seeking, it happens quite easily that he only sees the thing that he is seeking; that he is unable to find anything, unable to absorb anything, because he is only thinking of the thing he is seeking, because he has a goal. Seeking means: to have a goal; but finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal. You, O worth one, are perhaps indeed a seeker, for in striving towards your goal, you do not see many things that are under your nose.'

If this little excerpt has intrigued you and you haven't read 'Siddhartha' by Hermann Hesse, you're missing out on the read of a lifetime. To know more, here's the Wiki entry for Siddhartha

A Fresh Start

With my philosophy changing drastically in the past few months, it is slowly influencing the decisions I'm making. I'm going back to a more "mainstream" job in a couple weeks. A copy writer at a small advertising agency here in Mumbai. The interview was nice, the people I met seemed to be interesting and I have a good feel about it.

I'm quite instinctive when it comes to my decisions rather than relying on intellectual analysis. And my instinct says this is something I'd like to do. I don't know how all this is going to unfold. Honestly, I don't give a rat's ass about how it will. This is what I feel now and it is what I am going to do. I don't want to make calculated decisions anymore. Thinking about where it will take me and the rest of that crap. My new mantra is 'live for the moment'.

I have no direction and I'm perfectly comfortable with it. Funny when I think about how I was a little while ago. I thought I had my life planned. But I have to say, unplanned is beautiful :)

Living the Good Life!

"The good life, as I conceive it, is a happy life. I do not mean that if you are good you will be happy - I mean that if you are happy, you will be good."

- B. Russell

Highway to Nowhere

Like I said in an earlier post, I'm undergoing this big shift in the way I look at myself and world around. All my life, I've looked for meaning in it. I thought I had found it when I spent a year at an ashram after high school. But I was wrong. I thought I had found it in people and relationships, and I was still wrong. Then, I thought I had found it in various philosophies and approaches to life I came across. But I was wrong again. I've gone around in circles and spirals of various circumferences for a long time now. Always questioning, always seeking, yet never finding an answer that satisfied me for a sustained period of time.

So after many experiences and a lot of mental churning, I find that there nothing in life has any meaning to it. When I look back at my life, I see that I've chased shadows. Things that I thought were there but never were. When I graduated from college, I had big dreams. I had this picture of "success"... a job that would be exactly what I loved doing, a beautiful family, a nice home, the family car, fun weekends and the rest of it. I thought I would change the world. Do something to make it a better place. But it never was real, and in my mind, that picture doesn't exist anymore. Nobody can change anything.

I always thought we could determine our future, carve out a path for ourselves.But the question that came to my mind is 'Who decides what I should/could do or not do?' Is it really me? Where are these thoughts coming from? And when I question far enough, there are no answers for it.

My conclusion after all this mental ejaculation?

The world is a big play, a play of Divinity. And we're just the mediums through which that indivisble Unity functions. We are pawns. There's a larger Cosmic Law at play that our little minds cannot understand and never will. "I" am much less important than I think. I'm a little strand of this big web. Insignificant, miniscule, negligible and yet there.

Assuming this is true, the next question was 'How do I approach life now?' And my answer was to approach it as a game. It's been a liberating experience. A lot of the things that would worry me earlier don't anymore. Because nothing really matters.

Where do I derive my joy from? The journey. I have nothing to achieve, no goals. I look forward to the early morning when I can reflect in silence, the soccer game at the park or the workout at the gym, giving my best to my job, being nice to people I come in touch, reaching out to others who may have less, being with family and friends. And I'm so much at peace with myself, it's amazing.

I don't know if this will last. I like to keep an open mind. I might change my philosophy to life again tomorrow. But right now, for the first time, I can say that I am truly on the Highway to Nowhere! And, I daresay, enjoying the ride :)

"Consciousness is all there is"

Overheard...

A famous politician was criticized for issuing ludicrous statements to the press. In response to one of them, a rather witty critic of his said, 'The left side of his brain has nothing right about it and the right side of his brain has nothing left in it.'

Happy! :)

dunno why, but the the last week has been happy. nothing extraordinary happening. just a lot of mental peace and stillness. it's been fantastic! hope I can stay with it for the next week. :)

hope you're all well and enjoying the long weekend!

A Moment of Magic

(Written on 28 September, 2006)

Today happened to be the first time that my professor had a paper published in an international journal. He was on cloud nine. (publishing papers in renowned journals for post-doctoral professors is a big deal.) He is so much in love with the subject that his passion comes through in every lecture. I absolutely love his class.

Somewhere during a discussion, we drifted into Vedic culture and the way Indian society is today. And we touched on the subject of 'value for education'. Education is everything for the Indian parent. They will go through any amount of hardship to make sure their children get the best. So while discussing this, my professor slowly opened his heart out about his journey into Ancient Indian Culture, the difficulties his family faced when he decided to take up something that did not have "scope" (translated as 'potential to earn money') and about times of immense poverty.

He spoke of a time when he was 15 (about 20 years ago) and wanted a book that was quite expensive. A book on ancient Indian history by a well-known author for a princely sum of 500 rupees, which was a fair bit at the time. His father had called him to go to a book exhibition where it would be available. On reaching there, he told his father about his desire to buy the book, not sure whether he would be able to buy it for him. Before getting the book for him, his father only asked him if he would make the best use of it. On getting his assurance, my professor's dad told him to take the book. When my professor asked him how he would pay for it, he told him not to worry about it. While he walked away with the book, he looked back to see his father borrowing sums as small as 50 rupees (a little over $1 today) from colleagues to buy the book promising he would he would return the money to them the following month. And today, when he told his parents about his paper being published in the international journal, they told him the efforts were all worth it.

After telling us this, he simply broke down. It is, by far, one of the most magical moments of my life. I can't describe the atmosphere in the classroom. It was charged. One of those times, when you can hear a pin drop and yet there is so much being said, when you look up at the sky and shut your eyes for a few seconds to acknowledge that supreme Power who blesses all of us.

We ended class on that wonderful high.

I didn't feel like speaking to anyone for a while after that. I just wanted to stay with the moment for as long as I could. I walked around aimlessly for a bit, found my way to the bus stop and the bus ride home is a blur.

I'm sure this pathetic attempt at describing what happened in that classroom does not capture even 10% of the moment. But I hope you understand where it's coming from.

In Awe

Haathi posted this amazing link on her blog a couple of days ago. So I checked it out and the thoughts from it have just captured my mind since then. I've forgotten how many times I've watched the video and I strongly recommend you see it for yourself.

Over and over, I am reminded of the power the human spirit. You see it everywhere. You read about it every other day in the newspapers, watch it on the news and hear about it on the Internet. But it's not just in them.

It's in my cook who goes always goes the extra mile to see that she makes the food to our liking. It's in the lady who cleans the dishes. Over the 10 years that she has worked with us, not once have I ever found a dirty speck on our utensils and cutlery. It's in the beggar girl who will share her only packet of biscuits with the stray dog sitting beside her. Heck, it's in every one of us.

In fact, it's not even human spirit. It's Divine Spirit. It's everywhere. And it is awe-inspiring. You wont have to go too far searching for it. You'll see it when you look in the mirror.

Thanks Haathi!

Sunrise & Sunset Chaser

One of the best moments of any day for me is watching the sunrise or the sunset and seeing the array of colours on God's canvass. I read a beautiful article written by someone who shares my love for sunrises and sunsets called 'When Heaven and Earth Kiss'.

If you love 'em too, do read! Here it is

It's Been A While...

...since I've come here. Dunno why, but I haven't felt like blogging this past week or so.

My classes have been going alright. There are a couple of courses I don't like too much and there are others where I am transported to the banks of the River Indus and feel like I am walking on the paved streets of Harappa. (I'm studying Ancient Indian Culture.)

It's amazing what a teacher can do to mould your views about a course. S/He can make a terribly dry subject come alive while another could make every minute in class feel like eternity. It's one thing to have passion and dedication for what you teach but I also feel it's important to understand where your students are coming from. That's why brilliant professors don't always make the best teachers.

Nevertheless, going back to school has been a nice experience. There are a grand total of four students in class! Not surprising for an "unmarketable" degree like a Master's in Ancient Indian Culture.

Academics apart, one of the biggest changes that is happening in my mind. I've been re-examining my philosophy and approach to life. Some of it is encapsulated in my previous post and then there is some more. More about it in another post.

I have a bunch of your blogs to catch up on! :)

It Ain't A Party, But What the Heck

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.

Ok, Stop!

I had one of those 'Ok, stop!' moments. You know when you're doing something or feeling something you shouldn't be and that little voice in your head that has been softly telling you how imbecilic you've been finally says it's had enough and screams 'Ok, stop!'? That's what happened to me.

I'm feeling so much better today. Woke up early, had a good workout at the gym, pushed myself to lift a little heavier, ran a little more than I usually would and it felt simply fabulous. I thought a lot about how I was feeling, the tiredness and everything and told myself I can not let these things pull me down.

Often we get so caught up in the now that we lose sight of the bigger picture. I was so obsessed with the bad things in my life that I lost sight of everything that is going well for me. It wasn't this particular episode that got to me but it was the last straw. Kind of like the last drop of the solution that creates the precipitate in a titration experiment. (Chemistry practicals, 12th grade, it scars you for life!). Whatever... Basically, it was a lot of stuff that ended with that email

I did mail my ex congratulating her and wishing her the best for the wedding. I really am happy for her. The hurt that I felt was because I was being selfish. If I really cared for her, I should have been able to share her joy instead of feeling bad. So I've decided try and put the 'me' thought aside for a bit and be happy for a friend. What we had was fantastic while it lasted, sadly, life had other plans for us. Does that mean we shouldn't move on with our lives and be miserable forever? Of course not. I'm glad she's taken the next step with her new relationship. Graduate student life in America can be pretty lonely and it's good she's found someone she can share her life with.

And me? I've moved on too. Dated a bit since we broke up and it's been fun. Haven't dated for a while though. Crap! And therefore, still single.

Whoa!

I got an e-mail on Saturday morning from my ex-girlfriend telling me she's getting married 'soon'. I was taken completely by surprise. It was a bolt from the blue. She's marrying the same guy she told me she was 'attracted' to before we broke up. There were so many emotions flooding my mind when I first read it, shock, wonder, hurt... I don't know what else. I was caught off guard and it just felt numbing. I felt like a zombie for a couple of hours after that.

For the first time in my life, I felt tired. Tired of what life was throwing at me. The last year has been a real test for me. I thought I did OK with what I had faced earlier. But on Saturday, I was drained. Sometimes the shit gets too much to deal with. It's just that what happened earlier has taken so much out of me that this one felt like the knockout blow.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself at all. I know everyone has their troubles. But it's just that I've run out of a little steam right now. It's the kind of moment when you're on the mat in the boxing ring with the referee counting upto 10 and you're trying desperately to get back on your feet.

I'm pooped. Yet, I know I'll be back stronger.

Consciousness Is All There Is

If you've been visitng here for a while, you must've figured out that I am interested in spirituality and, in general, the search for meaning in life.

Earlier this morning, I went to an interesting talk by Advaita master, Ramesh Balsekar. It was my first time there and another person (who also visiting for the first time) were given seats right in front of him. He spoke of many spiritual concepts during the talk which I could appreciate but there was one in particular that I found difficult to digest.

He says everything that happens is the will of God and that everything is predetermined. To someone like me, who has been brought up shunning ideas of 'luck' and the such, it was slightly unsettling. I've always been taught that you have to work for achieving what you want. Agreed, the achievement of the goal may not be in our hands, but should we not give our very best in something we have chosen to do? If everything was God's will, why would I do anything? I might as well sit back and do nothing because God will do it anyway. And what about the law of karma? Are we not the resultant of all our actions, emotions and thoughts from this moment backward?

I'm not rejecting what I heard. But I'm trying to understand if what he said makes sense to me. I'm trying to find reasons for him saying what he did. Maybe it's just another approach to spirituality. Honestly, I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out.

Any ideas?

In the Company of Stoners

It's strange that almost all of my friends are stoners. And I'm not talking about the odd joint every other weekend. We're talking about 3-joints-a-day people.

There would often be times when everyone around me would be stoned and smiling for no particular reason and I'd be completely comfortable there. I can't tell you the number of times I've been hot-boxed. (If you don't know what hot-boxing is or have never experienced it, trust me, you aren't missing out on anything) My friends say I was passively stoned but I really don't know what it feels like mainly because I've never tried the stuff.

I have to say though that some people make the most intelligent conversation when they're slightly stoned. I don't know what it is that drives people to do it. Maybe it's the high or just the escape from the world. A journey into your own world. They seem to have a sense of idealism. And maybe that's what I like about them. I like being with people who have some deeper philosophy that guides them or people who even question the system. I guess for some people, dealing with the world the way it is gets too much for them. Hence the escape through weed or marijuana or whatever it is that they roll into those papers.

Honestly, I have had my weak moments when I've felt like trying it. I don't know though... I don't fancy artifical stimulants for a high. Certainly not smoking weed or marijuana. I prefer a good run or a workout at the gym. But I think I'm a stoner at heart.

Did you know...

... 'Khan' is an accepted word on Text Twist?!?! Daggit!

By the way, the game kicks ass!

A Room with a View

That's how the world looks from my window. In the centre is the Rajabai clock tower and on its right (or is it left? Crap! I have serious issues with 'left' and 'right'. People tell me it's because I'm a southpaw. Doesn't matter, I still drive hell into the Mumbai cab drivers :) ) is the Bombay Stock Exchange. The sun rises from behind the tower in the mornings and I can't tell you how beautiful the sky looks in its morning glory. Splashed with all shades of blue, purple, yellow and orange. The simple joys of life :)

A Friend's Loss

One of my closest friends lost his grandmother on Friday morning. It was the irony of ironies. Friday, September 1 2006 was also his birthday. When his mother called from his grandmother's house, he thought it was going to be his grandmother calling to wish him. Instead, he heard his mother sobbing and telling him of his grandmother's passing.

It was only when I texted him asking how his day was going that he told me what had happened. I dropped my work and went to his place. It took me an hour to get there since he lives a little far away from where I am. When I got there, it was a familiar sight. Many people looking out the window, staring into nothingness, the empty look with eyes set on the floor. I helped in whatever way possible. Doing the odd jobs etc. But I was most happy I could be there for him. He was there when my father passed away and was one of the friends who helped carry my dad's body during the last rites. Having people close to you around when the world seems to be slipping from under your feet makes a big difference. They may not fully understand your pain or your loss. But their presence does take away a little pain. I hope and pray for his grandmother, his mother whose has felt her mother's loss the most and the rest of his family.

On life's journey, there are no guarantees. Adi Shankaracharya, one of the great spirtual masters of India, said in his great work, the Bhaja Govindam, 'As water on a lotus leaf is very unstable, life is extremely unsteady.' You never know when the drop will go back to the pond.

The Break-Up

Caution: If you haven't watched the movie 'The Break-Up' *ing Vince Vaughn & Jennifer Aniston and are planning to watch it, stop reading this post now.

I watched 'The Break-Up' last evening and quite liked it. It's different from the usual romantic comedy. More real than most.

It's about this couple, Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston, who live together and how their relationship breaks down. Vince is this typical guy, untidy, comes back from work and watches TV while Jeniffer is the one who handles a job, manages the house and cleans up after him. Things spiral out of control one evening when their families go to their place for dinner. Vince screws up by not getting what Jeniffer asked for and one thing leads to another. Jeniffer breaks up in the hope that Vince will come around. Instead, both of them take a hard stand and refuse to budge. A lot of things happen until Vince realises he is also to blame for the situation. He comes out of his shell, tells Jen how much she means to him and apologises for screwing up and not appreciating her. But it's too late. Jen decides she's had enough and the two go their own ways. That is how it ends.

I identified with the movie a lot. Having been in a relationship for over five years and broken-up, I know what a big break-up feels like. There are many things that I learnt from the movie but I'll just touch on a few points.

First, I realised how selfishness and looking at everything from the 'my' perspective can reduce all your good qualities to nothing. For whatever good qualities I had when I was going out, I screwed up by taking a hard stand. And by the time I realised, it was too late. I didn't appreciate how much she did for me and even when I did, I probably didn't express it well enough. I was too self-involved and in the process lost someone that meant a whole lot to me. And it all came out of my fear. My fear of being taken for granted. I was so scared it would happen that I didn't give even what I should have, forget going beyond that. I never want to make the same mistake again.

The second thing that strikes me is that in most relationships where there are problems, both people are equally responsible for a break-up. In our eagerness to point out the other person's follies, we forget all that we do wrong. Introspecting is a difficult thing but it always helps to ask yourself 'Could I have done anything to make things better?'. More likely than not, the answer is 'yes'. I can definitely say that I could have and should have done better.

The last point that strikes me is a theme I have read about on many of the blogs I visit, that relationships come to an end some time or another. That every thing and every person has its/his/her time in our lives. And sometimes, you can do nothing but watch while the person walks out of your life. I experienced this first when my girlfriend and me broke-up and again when my father passed away. Like I said before, I could've changed things around in the first case but in the second, there was just nothing I could do. We tend to feel life has given us a raw deal but it is never so. What would life have been if I hadn't met my ex-girlfriend at all? How would life have been if I hadn't had the chance to spend wonderful years of my life with my father? It would certainly have been poorer. Both experiences strengthened my faith in that Higher Power that ordains the laws of life. Losing a relationship is never easy. But with faith, the pain becomes softer and the experience, one you can learn from.

How do you...

...tell someone just how much you love her/him?

...tell an old school-teacher the impact s/he has made on your life?

...express your gratitude to God for everything you have been blessed with when there is just so much that you have?

...watch when someone you care for is making a bad decision and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it?

...describe what you feel when you see the colours of the morning sky as the sun rises?

...tell someone what it feels like to lose someone you love immensely?

...explain what a great book/movie does to you?

Actions and words are so pathetic at times. Because our deepest emotions and thoughts can never be acted out or expressed. They can only be felt by another heart.

I'm reminded of this scene from Jerry McGuire where Jerry (Tom Cruise) is pissed off with Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding Jr.) for not playing well enough after an American football game. He calls Tidwell a 'paycheck' player with no heart. and this is what Tidwell says in response. I'm not sure you'll get the drift if you haven't watched the movie, but I'm hoping you have...

Tidwell:
"(Repeating what Jerry has said) No heart. (Beginning to yell) No heart??!?! (Pause) I'm all heart motherfucker!" (Storms into the team bus)

What a moment! See what I mean? I'll never be able to explain to you what that one line does to me. But if you've watched it, you just might know what I'm talking about. Just might.

The Party's at My Place Tonight

Mom's out of town, it's Friday night and it's time to unwind. IInd edition of the 'rave' (as my friends like to call it) at Ajeya's. Last Saturday was awesome. We had a some great cocktails made by a friend who went to this cocktail-making workshop, played 'Taboo', listened to good music and had fun people over. Some of the gang stayed over while the others went back to their respective homes. The Taboo was out of control. Fully competitive and, with most people being a few drinks down, elicited some interesting responses. :-D

Today's going to be bigger, better, badder! muahahahahahaha...

More people, more fun! You're invited! :)

A little joke to end with... The Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told to. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates. The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."

:-D Have a great weekend! And don't forget your party hat ;)

Turning 59

Yes, the Republic of India officially turns 59 tomorrow. We celebrate our freedom from the oppressive rule of the British who plundered our country for nearly three centuries. Yes, they gave us a lot but they took away much more.

As we look back at these 59 years, we can take pride in what we have achieved in the short time we have enjoyed our independence. Yet, there is a long, hard path ahead. And the magnanimity of the task is so enormous that there are times when I, as a citizen of the country, feel so helpless. Helpless about the bad roads, the rude bastard who sits across the counter at the government-owned telephone company telling me that I should have clipped the cheque instead of stapling it and throwing my payment back at my face, the corrupt politicians who milk the government of my hard-earned money to buy cars they don't need and homes they will never live in... beyond helpless, frustrated, pissed off that I have wait in line for everything, from getting admission in hospital for an emergency case to getting admission to kindergarden. Yet, there is much that I owe to the country.

The fact that I can type this, use the Internet, have access to water, sanitation, electricity, the best education the country has, a roof over my head, a safe place to go to after work, a safe place to work at... is glaring proof that I have received more than at least 800 million Indians. I have got the best that country has to offer. Yes, it may not be what I would ideally want but it's still the best. And with all I've got, if all I can think of is buying a bigger apartment, a fancier car and a megapixel camera cellphone, I'm probably doing myself the greatest disservice. Giving up my chance to give back to the country. There's nothing wrong with having my playthings. But it can't be the be-all and end-all of my life.

As a citizen who has received the best, it is a duty to give back my best. I have a responsibility to the nation. To give back. And I'm not talking about writing out a cheque. I'm talking about committing time and effort to do something about a cause that is close to my heart. If Mahatma Gandhi's dream could give us Independence, then what can't you and I achieve working together? On this Independence Day, August 15, 2006, I pledge that I will do whatever I can to do my bit for the country. I may not have the money to mobilise a huge movement, but I have ideas, dreams and some talent somewhere in me. It may not be a lot, but that's all I've got right now. And, for now, it is what I will give.

One quote that always inspires me is this one by Nehru, our first Prime Minister...

"A moment comes, which comes but rarely in history, when we step out from the old to the new, when an age ends and when the soul of a nation, long suppressed, finds utterance."

Happy Independence Day India!

Nature's Child

I'm a big nature lover. Not in the conventional sense. I don't know much about nature in terms of specifics but I love being outdoors, looking at the sky, the hills, the rain, the trees, grass (the real stuff!), birds, wildlife, the ocean... all of it. I'm reading this book on Sufism and I found this amazing letter believed to be written by Chief Seattle, one of the last spokesmen of the Native Americans, to the then President of the United States, George Washington who wanted to buy their tribal land. It's kind of long but if you have patience, I'm sure you will be touched. Here goes...

The President in Washington sends word that he wishes to buy our land. But how can buy or sell the sky? The land? The idea is strange to us. If we do not own the freshness of the air and the sparkle of the water, how can you buy them?

Every part of this earth is sacred to my people. Every shining pine needle, every sandy shore, every mist in the dark woods, every meadow, every humming insect. All are holy in the memory and experience of my people.

We know the sap which courses through the trees as we know the blood that courses through our veins. We are part of the earth and it is part of us. The perfumed flowers are our sisters. The bear, the deer, the great eagle, these are our brothers. The rocky crests, the juices in the meadow, the body beat of the pony, and man all belong to the same family.

The shining water that moves in the streams and rivers is not just water, but the blood of our ancestors. If we sell you our land, you must remeber that it is sacred. Each ghostly reflection in the clear waters of the lakes tells of events and memories in the life of my people. The water's murmur is the voice of my father's father.

The rivers are our brothers. They quench our thirst. They carry our canoes and feed our children. So you must give to the rivers the kindness you would give to any brother.

If we sell you our land, remember that the air is precious to us, that the air shares its spirit with all the life it supports. The wind that gave our grandfather his first breath also recieves his last sigh. The wind also gives our children the spirit of life. So if we sell you our land, you must keep it apart and sacred, as a place where man can go and taste the wind that is sweetened by the meadow flowers.

Will you teach your children what we have taught our children? That the earth is our mother? What befalls the earth befalls all the sons of earth.

This we know: the earth does not belong to man, man belongs to the earth. All things are connected like the blood that unites us all. Man did not weave the web of life, he is merely a strand in it. Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself.

One thing we know: our god is also your god. The earth is precious to him and to harm the earth is to heap contempt on its creator.

Your destiny is a mystery to us. What will happen when the buffalo are slaughtered? The wild horses tamed? What will happen when the secret corners of the forest are heavy with the scent of many men and the view of the ripe hills is blotted by talking wires? Where will the thicket be? Gone! Where will the eagle be? Gone! And what is it to say goodbye to the swift ppony and the hunt? The end of living and the beginning of survival.

When the last Red man has vanished with his wilderness and his memory is only athe shadow of a cloud moving across the prairie, will the shores and forests still be there? Will there be any spirit of my people left?

We love this earth as a new-born loves its mother's heartbeat. So, if we sell you our land, love it as we have loved it. Care for it as we have cared for it. Hold in your mind the memory of the land as it is when oyu receive it. Preserve the land for all children and love it, as God loves us all.

As we are part of the land, you too are part of the land. This earth is precious to us. IT is also precious to you. One thing we know: there is only one God. No man, be he Red or White Man can be apart. We are brothers after all.

-End-

I have yet to read something in which man speaks more respectuflly and lovingly of Mother Nature. And we should all be grateful for being one of Nature's children.

My Time

My favourite time of the day is the early morning. I love waking up after a good night's sleep around 5 am. I usually spend the first hour reading and reflecting. Reading something inspiring, drawing a lesson from it and finally, figuring out how I can integrate the learning into my everyday life.

It's a time I cherish. Being with myself. Free from the beeping cell phone, the pop-ups of the Internet, the doorbells... everything. Somedays I wont even read anything. If I catch an inspiring thought going through my head, I try and just stay with it.

The early morning rejuvenates me. It equips me to face the day ahead. And when it's followed up with a good game of football or a refreshing workout at the gym, I feel like I can walk on water. I'm two steps ahead. Of me.

Of course all this means I'm asleep by 10 pm. It feels like a sacrifice sometimes when I'm missing going to the movies with friends. But when I'm up the next morning, I usually feel like I made the right decision.

There's always the weekends when I let go a little. A good drink at Ghetto, a night out dancing. the late night movie on Saturday night or just coffee with the gang.

As someone once said, 'eternal vigilance is the price of liberty'.

My friend's make fun of me sometimes. But it's all good. I think we respect each other's lifestyles. I don't think the way I live life is the way other people should. It makes me happy and therefore I do it. If waking up late works for someone else, that should be cool. What's most important is that each one finds his or her space and pace.

Keep On Keeping On

What is it that motivates me to get out of bed every morning? I'm not entirely sure. But one of the things that keeps me going is this a question I try and ask myself every morning. And that is 'Am I a little better than I was yesterday?'

It's the one question that has always helped me change, remain open to new ideas and thoughts and improve as a person. I've heard all this talk about Kaizen and continuous process improvement in manufacturing but how about some Kiazen for our souls? Don't we need continuous process improvement at every level.

At the physical level, I'd like to be fitter with each passing day. Emotionally, I'd like to stop judging and accepting more people as they are. Intellectually, I'd like to be a learner for life. Spiritually, I'd like to overcome my ego.

Some days I do real good, some are OK and some are downright crappy. You know the type when you're lying in the bed, looking up at the ceiling and thinking 'What was I thinking?!?!'

But it's part of the process I think. The important thing is to keep on keeping on.

What motivates you to get out of bed every morning?