Memoirs of a Laid-back Rebel

What you're going to read is an excerpt from a rather nice book I'm reading called "Bombay to Eternity" by Uma Ranganathan. In my mind, this (although I haven't finished reading the book yet) is the best passage from the book....

"How trusting can one afford to be in life? you invariably ask yourself, surrounded as you are by a world full of suspicion and betrayal. Until another question occurs to you and that is: can one afford to live without trust in this world? Words, you might be saying to yourself as you read this. Nothing but semantics. So, let's get to the bottom of the whole business and see whom or what it is we are supposed to trust and why.

Today, when I look at it, I see that trust has to do with something much larger than yourself or anybody you know. Trust, at its deepest, is what you feel towards an intelligence infinitely superior to your own and which you sense is guiding you from some spot you can't quite pinpoint. It is what you feel for the nebulous presence from which you emerged and which is - and always will be - more to you than any living person on earth. You feel it for the simple reason that you are - we all are - finally, children of that nameless cloud.

The sad thing is you don't recognize it anymore. You've switched your allegiance, as you grew up, from that which was true and eternal to something that will fade with time.

Trust. You lose it. Your connection with your true parent and with yourself dwindles, you fall out of the hallowed state, your mind starts closing its doors. Before you know it, you are no longer God the Baby wanting to experience the human side. You've been pulled over across a kind of fence in the mind to become 'one of them'. A Hindu, a Christian, a Muslim or a Jain. A bus driver, engineer, doctor, social worker. Your trust is now reserved for those who look like you, talk like you, think like you. You're finished. It's a long way back to where you came from."

It left me with an awkward lump in my throat.

The Wild Side - Rediscovered

So much has happened in the past year that I don't even know where to begin (or end for that matter.) And the year isn't even over!

One of the things that has happened in the last two months has been a paradigm-shift (yes, I know I sound like those jargon-spouting fresh-out-of-b-school-grads but what the fuck), where was I? Yes, paradigm-shift, in the way I live my life. I've rediscovered my wild side and I haven't been happier EVER! I don't know how long this will last but I'm going to enjoy it as long as it does.

What do I mean by wild? Not drugs, alcohol, parties, sex... I could do with the last item on the list. (It's been a while *sigh*) I just do exactly as I feel. Irrespective of the consequences. I hate pretending to be grown-up, serious and mature. I've started living life with the enthusiasm of a 13-year-old. Why 13 you ask? I just remember life being a lot more fun when I was 13. It reminds me of the time I sprayed shaving foam all over the school walls after the last day of exams. And you know what I got for doing that? The award for best academic improvement!!! Hahaha... fucking hilarious. I'd never have given me that award. Honest to god. I must admit that it was flattering to receive an award for damaging school property but shit happens :)

Yeah, so I've gone back to the 13-year-old phase but with a much wider perspective. It's like the enthu of a 13-year-old coupled with Ajeya's experience as he stands today. It's fantastic! And it's not like good things have been happening all while. But life teaches you to just accept it as it comes.

One of the things that has really helped me is faith. Faith in God. Faith in the goodness of people. Without expecting anything back. And, of course, acceptance. It works like magic.

Dunno how to feel...

OK, I'm sort of confused. Let me explain...

So one of these women that I went out with over the past couple months is super fun, super crazy (like me!) and digs me even. Where's the hitch? She's sort of into another relationship, not yet going out, doesn't know where it's heading kinda thing. And did I mention I totally dig her too? Last Saturday, we were thisclose to kissing but stopped just short of it. So we spoke on Sunday and said we'd just go with the flow and see where it goes. But she kept saying she didn't want to lead me on. I don't even know if she's led me on, stuff has just... happened. My friends totally like her and I, to be honest to myself, really like her too.

Aside:
I don't even know if I should be writing about this on my blog since I've discovered there are many lurkers around these parts, whom I know. But I don't want to change the spirit of the blog. It's always been more writing to myself so I'm going to continue in the same vein...

Now yesterday, a close family friend has asked me to meet another woman to see if 'I might interested in a long-term relationship with her'. For those of you who arent' Indian, this is how arranged marriages work. There's massive social networking that goes on to get single, "marriagable" folk hooked up, to be married of course. So now, I'm supposed meet this new woman and figure out if I like her and want to eventually get married. Meeting people for a purpose sorta freaks me out. The purpose always seems to overshadow the people. You know what I'm saying? (for family members who lurk here... SHHHHHHH! IT'S AN ORDER! you know who you are! I will run away from home if you go about advertising it to ANYBODY! I promise you)

Anyhow, I don't know about this whole marriage thing. I don't want to brood over it too much but it's what's currently in my head so I'm spilling it out here. Basically, I really like the woman mentioned in the first part of this post. And I'm going to go with the flow. Do exactly what I feel the right thing to do is and see how it goes.

I love the confusion and unpredicatability of this whole thing. I have no idea what's going to happen. And deep down, I'm cool with anything.

The other day I was proposing the concept of surprise marriages to a friend. You know how you have surprise birthdays? Same thing! Except you see who you're marrying right at the wedding. Haha... What a trip! Imagine that! Going into your own wedding having no idea who you're going to marry. No prenups allowed! :)

Where Was I?

Before I get down to answering that question, I will be highly presumptious and apologise to fellow bloggers who have been coming here to check this space out. To those who haven't, well, you havent' missed much.

So much has happened in the last month...

• Work Life: I've retreated to the familiar waters of e-learning after a brief and a not-so-encouraging stint at an advertising agency. I'm terrible at copywriting! Just to put in perspective, I've moved from thinking of a usp of an agricultural micro-credit scheme for rural India to studying the female reproductive system. I don't think I need to explain my decision to return to e-learning further.
• Social Life: I've been having an absolute blast with my friends. As I've said earlier, this is a bunch of guys I've know for an average of 15 years ranging from a maximum of 21 to a minimum of 9. (Sorry about that, I studied Statistics in college a bit too seriously I think) So we've been doing our usual numbers, Mondy's on a weekend afternoon, gaming (FIFA 2007 on the PS2. Yes, we can't afford the ps3 just yet), warming our asses at the Sterling Barista discussing life, philosophy, sex, women, dating (or the lack of it), watching the English Premier League with great intensity (I almost broke my arm after Chelsea scored against Man U!). Oh and I've been on some great dates! Two really interesting women! One of them is already going out with someone, long-distance, I think. Don't know how things will turn out but I'm just rolling with it. Went sailing with one of them. It was awesome. My first time. Although I don't think the woman enjoyed it too much. Whatever. So basically the dating scene is sorta picking up.
• Football & Exercise: I've been regular with football but I really need to put in the miles for the Mumbai Marathon in Jan. And it doesn't help that my left butt cheek is bruised and hurting like crazy after taking a fall during Friday morning football. *sigh*

Hope you guys are all well, Alexys, RM, Haathi, Noojes, Esprit, Satandit. See you around!

Nice!

Things have been nice over the past couple weeks. I've been feeling good after a day's work so the weekdays are peaceful and weekends are usually happy too (with or without injesting stimulants). I'm enjoying life now and will take each day as it comes.

So yesterday I was sitting at the Barista near Sterling with a couple of friends and they were telling me how difficult it is to meet new women and stuff. How they so badly wanted to date someone and how the 'right' oppotunity never presented itself. As consultant philosopher to my friends, I added my two bits and told them something I had heard another friend say a few days earlier that really hit home. She said 'When you stop craving, the universe conspires to give you what you want.'

I thought about that line for a long time after hearing it. And it made sense. It's weird but I've seen it to be true. I can't figure out the logic behind it, but it works and when it does, it's the most beautiful, happy feeling ever!

Foul-tongued

I was just reading my last post and I have to say I have no idea what was going through my head when I wrote it. So vague! :) One of those moments when you look out the window with no thoughts going through your head and somewhere in between, you write a post. My ex-girlfriend would always ask me, 'What are you thinking?' when I did this and the usual reply would be 'Nothing.' Just wondering, am I the only one who trips out like this?

I digress. So, I was saying, I went through this phase, it lasted some five years, when I thought cursing was a bad thing. So instead of saying 'fuck', which I was saying in my mind anyway, I'd actually say something like 'flip'. Somehow, I was never fully convinced of this 'bad language' argument that I had been brain-washed with so I spent the last few years observing people and what they were saying, in terms of language usage and context. My conclusion is that no word is 'bad' per se. It's about the attitude with which we say something that really makes it 'nasty' or 'not-nasty'.

I've heard some of the most 'refined' people at their eloquent best tear people to shreds and I've heard 'crude' people use what we call 'foul language' to say something really nice about people.

As a result of these observations, I have decided to go back to saying what is in my head, whatever the words be; 'crude', 'refined', 'good', 'bad'... whatever. Because it's not what we say that really matters, it's the feeling with which we say something that really comes across.

So to all those tea-sipping-pinkys-sticking-out, bitching-about-their-friends, smooth-talking people, here what I have to say to you...

Fuck Y'all!

Blur

Life's a big, beautiful blur. Listening to 'Stuck in a Moment' by U2. For your reading pleasure, a few lyrics from the song:

"I'm not afraid of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard...

...And you are such a fool to worry like you do
I know it's tough and you can never get enough of what you don't really need now
My, oh my

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it..."

It's just a moment. This time will pass.

Siddhartha

'Siddhartha' is one of my favourite books. I've read it a few times already yet everytime I read it, I discover something I did not see earlier.

One of my favourite parts of the book is towards the end when Siddhartha's friend, Govinda meets him while crossing the river. A great disciple of the Enlightened Gotama, Govinda discloses that though he has searched all his life, he has still not achieved his goal of Realisation. When he asks Siddhartha for the secret of his Peace, Siddhartha gives this brilliant reply.

'When someone is seeking, it happens quite easily that he only sees the thing that he is seeking; that he is unable to find anything, unable to absorb anything, because he is only thinking of the thing he is seeking, because he has a goal. Seeking means: to have a goal; but finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal. You, O worth one, are perhaps indeed a seeker, for in striving towards your goal, you do not see many things that are under your nose.'

If this little excerpt has intrigued you and you haven't read 'Siddhartha' by Hermann Hesse, you're missing out on the read of a lifetime. To know more, here's the Wiki entry for Siddhartha

A Fresh Start

With my philosophy changing drastically in the past few months, it is slowly influencing the decisions I'm making. I'm going back to a more "mainstream" job in a couple weeks. A copy writer at a small advertising agency here in Mumbai. The interview was nice, the people I met seemed to be interesting and I have a good feel about it.

I'm quite instinctive when it comes to my decisions rather than relying on intellectual analysis. And my instinct says this is something I'd like to do. I don't know how all this is going to unfold. Honestly, I don't give a rat's ass about how it will. This is what I feel now and it is what I am going to do. I don't want to make calculated decisions anymore. Thinking about where it will take me and the rest of that crap. My new mantra is 'live for the moment'.

I have no direction and I'm perfectly comfortable with it. Funny when I think about how I was a little while ago. I thought I had my life planned. But I have to say, unplanned is beautiful :)

Living the Good Life!

"The good life, as I conceive it, is a happy life. I do not mean that if you are good you will be happy - I mean that if you are happy, you will be good."

- B. Russell

Highway to Nowhere

Like I said in an earlier post, I'm undergoing this big shift in the way I look at myself and world around. All my life, I've looked for meaning in it. I thought I had found it when I spent a year at an ashram after high school. But I was wrong. I thought I had found it in people and relationships, and I was still wrong. Then, I thought I had found it in various philosophies and approaches to life I came across. But I was wrong again. I've gone around in circles and spirals of various circumferences for a long time now. Always questioning, always seeking, yet never finding an answer that satisfied me for a sustained period of time.

So after many experiences and a lot of mental churning, I find that there nothing in life has any meaning to it. When I look back at my life, I see that I've chased shadows. Things that I thought were there but never were. When I graduated from college, I had big dreams. I had this picture of "success"... a job that would be exactly what I loved doing, a beautiful family, a nice home, the family car, fun weekends and the rest of it. I thought I would change the world. Do something to make it a better place. But it never was real, and in my mind, that picture doesn't exist anymore. Nobody can change anything.

I always thought we could determine our future, carve out a path for ourselves.But the question that came to my mind is 'Who decides what I should/could do or not do?' Is it really me? Where are these thoughts coming from? And when I question far enough, there are no answers for it.

My conclusion after all this mental ejaculation?

The world is a big play, a play of Divinity. And we're just the mediums through which that indivisble Unity functions. We are pawns. There's a larger Cosmic Law at play that our little minds cannot understand and never will. "I" am much less important than I think. I'm a little strand of this big web. Insignificant, miniscule, negligible and yet there.

Assuming this is true, the next question was 'How do I approach life now?' And my answer was to approach it as a game. It's been a liberating experience. A lot of the things that would worry me earlier don't anymore. Because nothing really matters.

Where do I derive my joy from? The journey. I have nothing to achieve, no goals. I look forward to the early morning when I can reflect in silence, the soccer game at the park or the workout at the gym, giving my best to my job, being nice to people I come in touch, reaching out to others who may have less, being with family and friends. And I'm so much at peace with myself, it's amazing.

I don't know if this will last. I like to keep an open mind. I might change my philosophy to life again tomorrow. But right now, for the first time, I can say that I am truly on the Highway to Nowhere! And, I daresay, enjoying the ride :)

"Consciousness is all there is"

Overheard...

A famous politician was criticized for issuing ludicrous statements to the press. In response to one of them, a rather witty critic of his said, 'The left side of his brain has nothing right about it and the right side of his brain has nothing left in it.'

Happy! :)

dunno why, but the the last week has been happy. nothing extraordinary happening. just a lot of mental peace and stillness. it's been fantastic! hope I can stay with it for the next week. :)

hope you're all well and enjoying the long weekend!

A Moment of Magic

(Written on 28 September, 2006)

Today happened to be the first time that my professor had a paper published in an international journal. He was on cloud nine. (publishing papers in renowned journals for post-doctoral professors is a big deal.) He is so much in love with the subject that his passion comes through in every lecture. I absolutely love his class.

Somewhere during a discussion, we drifted into Vedic culture and the way Indian society is today. And we touched on the subject of 'value for education'. Education is everything for the Indian parent. They will go through any amount of hardship to make sure their children get the best. So while discussing this, my professor slowly opened his heart out about his journey into Ancient Indian Culture, the difficulties his family faced when he decided to take up something that did not have "scope" (translated as 'potential to earn money') and about times of immense poverty.

He spoke of a time when he was 15 (about 20 years ago) and wanted a book that was quite expensive. A book on ancient Indian history by a well-known author for a princely sum of 500 rupees, which was a fair bit at the time. His father had called him to go to a book exhibition where it would be available. On reaching there, he told his father about his desire to buy the book, not sure whether he would be able to buy it for him. Before getting the book for him, his father only asked him if he would make the best use of it. On getting his assurance, my professor's dad told him to take the book. When my professor asked him how he would pay for it, he told him not to worry about it. While he walked away with the book, he looked back to see his father borrowing sums as small as 50 rupees (a little over $1 today) from colleagues to buy the book promising he would he would return the money to them the following month. And today, when he told his parents about his paper being published in the international journal, they told him the efforts were all worth it.

After telling us this, he simply broke down. It is, by far, one of the most magical moments of my life. I can't describe the atmosphere in the classroom. It was charged. One of those times, when you can hear a pin drop and yet there is so much being said, when you look up at the sky and shut your eyes for a few seconds to acknowledge that supreme Power who blesses all of us.

We ended class on that wonderful high.

I didn't feel like speaking to anyone for a while after that. I just wanted to stay with the moment for as long as I could. I walked around aimlessly for a bit, found my way to the bus stop and the bus ride home is a blur.

I'm sure this pathetic attempt at describing what happened in that classroom does not capture even 10% of the moment. But I hope you understand where it's coming from.

In Awe

Haathi posted this amazing link on her blog a couple of days ago. So I checked it out and the thoughts from it have just captured my mind since then. I've forgotten how many times I've watched the video and I strongly recommend you see it for yourself.

Over and over, I am reminded of the power the human spirit. You see it everywhere. You read about it every other day in the newspapers, watch it on the news and hear about it on the Internet. But it's not just in them.

It's in my cook who goes always goes the extra mile to see that she makes the food to our liking. It's in the lady who cleans the dishes. Over the 10 years that she has worked with us, not once have I ever found a dirty speck on our utensils and cutlery. It's in the beggar girl who will share her only packet of biscuits with the stray dog sitting beside her. Heck, it's in every one of us.

In fact, it's not even human spirit. It's Divine Spirit. It's everywhere. And it is awe-inspiring. You wont have to go too far searching for it. You'll see it when you look in the mirror.

Thanks Haathi!

Sunrise & Sunset Chaser

One of the best moments of any day for me is watching the sunrise or the sunset and seeing the array of colours on God's canvass. I read a beautiful article written by someone who shares my love for sunrises and sunsets called 'When Heaven and Earth Kiss'.

If you love 'em too, do read! Here it is

It's Been A While...

...since I've come here. Dunno why, but I haven't felt like blogging this past week or so.

My classes have been going alright. There are a couple of courses I don't like too much and there are others where I am transported to the banks of the River Indus and feel like I am walking on the paved streets of Harappa. (I'm studying Ancient Indian Culture.)

It's amazing what a teacher can do to mould your views about a course. S/He can make a terribly dry subject come alive while another could make every minute in class feel like eternity. It's one thing to have passion and dedication for what you teach but I also feel it's important to understand where your students are coming from. That's why brilliant professors don't always make the best teachers.

Nevertheless, going back to school has been a nice experience. There are a grand total of four students in class! Not surprising for an "unmarketable" degree like a Master's in Ancient Indian Culture.

Academics apart, one of the biggest changes that is happening in my mind. I've been re-examining my philosophy and approach to life. Some of it is encapsulated in my previous post and then there is some more. More about it in another post.

I have a bunch of your blogs to catch up on! :)

It Ain't A Party, But What the Heck

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.

Ok, Stop!

I had one of those 'Ok, stop!' moments. You know when you're doing something or feeling something you shouldn't be and that little voice in your head that has been softly telling you how imbecilic you've been finally says it's had enough and screams 'Ok, stop!'? That's what happened to me.

I'm feeling so much better today. Woke up early, had a good workout at the gym, pushed myself to lift a little heavier, ran a little more than I usually would and it felt simply fabulous. I thought a lot about how I was feeling, the tiredness and everything and told myself I can not let these things pull me down.

Often we get so caught up in the now that we lose sight of the bigger picture. I was so obsessed with the bad things in my life that I lost sight of everything that is going well for me. It wasn't this particular episode that got to me but it was the last straw. Kind of like the last drop of the solution that creates the precipitate in a titration experiment. (Chemistry practicals, 12th grade, it scars you for life!). Whatever... Basically, it was a lot of stuff that ended with that email

I did mail my ex congratulating her and wishing her the best for the wedding. I really am happy for her. The hurt that I felt was because I was being selfish. If I really cared for her, I should have been able to share her joy instead of feeling bad. So I've decided try and put the 'me' thought aside for a bit and be happy for a friend. What we had was fantastic while it lasted, sadly, life had other plans for us. Does that mean we shouldn't move on with our lives and be miserable forever? Of course not. I'm glad she's taken the next step with her new relationship. Graduate student life in America can be pretty lonely and it's good she's found someone she can share her life with.

And me? I've moved on too. Dated a bit since we broke up and it's been fun. Haven't dated for a while though. Crap! And therefore, still single.

Whoa!

I got an e-mail on Saturday morning from my ex-girlfriend telling me she's getting married 'soon'. I was taken completely by surprise. It was a bolt from the blue. She's marrying the same guy she told me she was 'attracted' to before we broke up. There were so many emotions flooding my mind when I first read it, shock, wonder, hurt... I don't know what else. I was caught off guard and it just felt numbing. I felt like a zombie for a couple of hours after that.

For the first time in my life, I felt tired. Tired of what life was throwing at me. The last year has been a real test for me. I thought I did OK with what I had faced earlier. But on Saturday, I was drained. Sometimes the shit gets too much to deal with. It's just that what happened earlier has taken so much out of me that this one felt like the knockout blow.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself at all. I know everyone has their troubles. But it's just that I've run out of a little steam right now. It's the kind of moment when you're on the mat in the boxing ring with the referee counting upto 10 and you're trying desperately to get back on your feet.

I'm pooped. Yet, I know I'll be back stronger.

Consciousness Is All There Is

If you've been visitng here for a while, you must've figured out that I am interested in spirituality and, in general, the search for meaning in life.

Earlier this morning, I went to an interesting talk by Advaita master, Ramesh Balsekar. It was my first time there and another person (who also visiting for the first time) were given seats right in front of him. He spoke of many spiritual concepts during the talk which I could appreciate but there was one in particular that I found difficult to digest.

He says everything that happens is the will of God and that everything is predetermined. To someone like me, who has been brought up shunning ideas of 'luck' and the such, it was slightly unsettling. I've always been taught that you have to work for achieving what you want. Agreed, the achievement of the goal may not be in our hands, but should we not give our very best in something we have chosen to do? If everything was God's will, why would I do anything? I might as well sit back and do nothing because God will do it anyway. And what about the law of karma? Are we not the resultant of all our actions, emotions and thoughts from this moment backward?

I'm not rejecting what I heard. But I'm trying to understand if what he said makes sense to me. I'm trying to find reasons for him saying what he did. Maybe it's just another approach to spirituality. Honestly, I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out.

Any ideas?

In the Company of Stoners

It's strange that almost all of my friends are stoners. And I'm not talking about the odd joint every other weekend. We're talking about 3-joints-a-day people.

There would often be times when everyone around me would be stoned and smiling for no particular reason and I'd be completely comfortable there. I can't tell you the number of times I've been hot-boxed. (If you don't know what hot-boxing is or have never experienced it, trust me, you aren't missing out on anything) My friends say I was passively stoned but I really don't know what it feels like mainly because I've never tried the stuff.

I have to say though that some people make the most intelligent conversation when they're slightly stoned. I don't know what it is that drives people to do it. Maybe it's the high or just the escape from the world. A journey into your own world. They seem to have a sense of idealism. And maybe that's what I like about them. I like being with people who have some deeper philosophy that guides them or people who even question the system. I guess for some people, dealing with the world the way it is gets too much for them. Hence the escape through weed or marijuana or whatever it is that they roll into those papers.

Honestly, I have had my weak moments when I've felt like trying it. I don't know though... I don't fancy artifical stimulants for a high. Certainly not smoking weed or marijuana. I prefer a good run or a workout at the gym. But I think I'm a stoner at heart.

Did you know...

... 'Khan' is an accepted word on Text Twist?!?! Daggit!

By the way, the game kicks ass!

A Room with a View

That's how the world looks from my window. In the centre is the Rajabai clock tower and on its right (or is it left? Crap! I have serious issues with 'left' and 'right'. People tell me it's because I'm a southpaw. Doesn't matter, I still drive hell into the Mumbai cab drivers :) ) is the Bombay Stock Exchange. The sun rises from behind the tower in the mornings and I can't tell you how beautiful the sky looks in its morning glory. Splashed with all shades of blue, purple, yellow and orange. The simple joys of life :)

A Friend's Loss

One of my closest friends lost his grandmother on Friday morning. It was the irony of ironies. Friday, September 1 2006 was also his birthday. When his mother called from his grandmother's house, he thought it was going to be his grandmother calling to wish him. Instead, he heard his mother sobbing and telling him of his grandmother's passing.

It was only when I texted him asking how his day was going that he told me what had happened. I dropped my work and went to his place. It took me an hour to get there since he lives a little far away from where I am. When I got there, it was a familiar sight. Many people looking out the window, staring into nothingness, the empty look with eyes set on the floor. I helped in whatever way possible. Doing the odd jobs etc. But I was most happy I could be there for him. He was there when my father passed away and was one of the friends who helped carry my dad's body during the last rites. Having people close to you around when the world seems to be slipping from under your feet makes a big difference. They may not fully understand your pain or your loss. But their presence does take away a little pain. I hope and pray for his grandmother, his mother whose has felt her mother's loss the most and the rest of his family.

On life's journey, there are no guarantees. Adi Shankaracharya, one of the great spirtual masters of India, said in his great work, the Bhaja Govindam, 'As water on a lotus leaf is very unstable, life is extremely unsteady.' You never know when the drop will go back to the pond.

The Break-Up

Caution: If you haven't watched the movie 'The Break-Up' *ing Vince Vaughn & Jennifer Aniston and are planning to watch it, stop reading this post now.

I watched 'The Break-Up' last evening and quite liked it. It's different from the usual romantic comedy. More real than most.

It's about this couple, Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston, who live together and how their relationship breaks down. Vince is this typical guy, untidy, comes back from work and watches TV while Jeniffer is the one who handles a job, manages the house and cleans up after him. Things spiral out of control one evening when their families go to their place for dinner. Vince screws up by not getting what Jeniffer asked for and one thing leads to another. Jeniffer breaks up in the hope that Vince will come around. Instead, both of them take a hard stand and refuse to budge. A lot of things happen until Vince realises he is also to blame for the situation. He comes out of his shell, tells Jen how much she means to him and apologises for screwing up and not appreciating her. But it's too late. Jen decides she's had enough and the two go their own ways. That is how it ends.

I identified with the movie a lot. Having been in a relationship for over five years and broken-up, I know what a big break-up feels like. There are many things that I learnt from the movie but I'll just touch on a few points.

First, I realised how selfishness and looking at everything from the 'my' perspective can reduce all your good qualities to nothing. For whatever good qualities I had when I was going out, I screwed up by taking a hard stand. And by the time I realised, it was too late. I didn't appreciate how much she did for me and even when I did, I probably didn't express it well enough. I was too self-involved and in the process lost someone that meant a whole lot to me. And it all came out of my fear. My fear of being taken for granted. I was so scared it would happen that I didn't give even what I should have, forget going beyond that. I never want to make the same mistake again.

The second thing that strikes me is that in most relationships where there are problems, both people are equally responsible for a break-up. In our eagerness to point out the other person's follies, we forget all that we do wrong. Introspecting is a difficult thing but it always helps to ask yourself 'Could I have done anything to make things better?'. More likely than not, the answer is 'yes'. I can definitely say that I could have and should have done better.

The last point that strikes me is a theme I have read about on many of the blogs I visit, that relationships come to an end some time or another. That every thing and every person has its/his/her time in our lives. And sometimes, you can do nothing but watch while the person walks out of your life. I experienced this first when my girlfriend and me broke-up and again when my father passed away. Like I said before, I could've changed things around in the first case but in the second, there was just nothing I could do. We tend to feel life has given us a raw deal but it is never so. What would life have been if I hadn't met my ex-girlfriend at all? How would life have been if I hadn't had the chance to spend wonderful years of my life with my father? It would certainly have been poorer. Both experiences strengthened my faith in that Higher Power that ordains the laws of life. Losing a relationship is never easy. But with faith, the pain becomes softer and the experience, one you can learn from.

How do you...

...tell someone just how much you love her/him?

...tell an old school-teacher the impact s/he has made on your life?

...express your gratitude to God for everything you have been blessed with when there is just so much that you have?

...watch when someone you care for is making a bad decision and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it?

...describe what you feel when you see the colours of the morning sky as the sun rises?

...tell someone what it feels like to lose someone you love immensely?

...explain what a great book/movie does to you?

Actions and words are so pathetic at times. Because our deepest emotions and thoughts can never be acted out or expressed. They can only be felt by another heart.

I'm reminded of this scene from Jerry McGuire where Jerry (Tom Cruise) is pissed off with Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding Jr.) for not playing well enough after an American football game. He calls Tidwell a 'paycheck' player with no heart. and this is what Tidwell says in response. I'm not sure you'll get the drift if you haven't watched the movie, but I'm hoping you have...

Tidwell:
"(Repeating what Jerry has said) No heart. (Beginning to yell) No heart??!?! (Pause) I'm all heart motherfucker!" (Storms into the team bus)

What a moment! See what I mean? I'll never be able to explain to you what that one line does to me. But if you've watched it, you just might know what I'm talking about. Just might.

The Party's at My Place Tonight

Mom's out of town, it's Friday night and it's time to unwind. IInd edition of the 'rave' (as my friends like to call it) at Ajeya's. Last Saturday was awesome. We had a some great cocktails made by a friend who went to this cocktail-making workshop, played 'Taboo', listened to good music and had fun people over. Some of the gang stayed over while the others went back to their respective homes. The Taboo was out of control. Fully competitive and, with most people being a few drinks down, elicited some interesting responses. :-D

Today's going to be bigger, better, badder! muahahahahahaha...

More people, more fun! You're invited! :)

A little joke to end with... The Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told to. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates. The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."

:-D Have a great weekend! And don't forget your party hat ;)

Turning 59

Yes, the Republic of India officially turns 59 tomorrow. We celebrate our freedom from the oppressive rule of the British who plundered our country for nearly three centuries. Yes, they gave us a lot but they took away much more.

As we look back at these 59 years, we can take pride in what we have achieved in the short time we have enjoyed our independence. Yet, there is a long, hard path ahead. And the magnanimity of the task is so enormous that there are times when I, as a citizen of the country, feel so helpless. Helpless about the bad roads, the rude bastard who sits across the counter at the government-owned telephone company telling me that I should have clipped the cheque instead of stapling it and throwing my payment back at my face, the corrupt politicians who milk the government of my hard-earned money to buy cars they don't need and homes they will never live in... beyond helpless, frustrated, pissed off that I have wait in line for everything, from getting admission in hospital for an emergency case to getting admission to kindergarden. Yet, there is much that I owe to the country.

The fact that I can type this, use the Internet, have access to water, sanitation, electricity, the best education the country has, a roof over my head, a safe place to go to after work, a safe place to work at... is glaring proof that I have received more than at least 800 million Indians. I have got the best that country has to offer. Yes, it may not be what I would ideally want but it's still the best. And with all I've got, if all I can think of is buying a bigger apartment, a fancier car and a megapixel camera cellphone, I'm probably doing myself the greatest disservice. Giving up my chance to give back to the country. There's nothing wrong with having my playthings. But it can't be the be-all and end-all of my life.

As a citizen who has received the best, it is a duty to give back my best. I have a responsibility to the nation. To give back. And I'm not talking about writing out a cheque. I'm talking about committing time and effort to do something about a cause that is close to my heart. If Mahatma Gandhi's dream could give us Independence, then what can't you and I achieve working together? On this Independence Day, August 15, 2006, I pledge that I will do whatever I can to do my bit for the country. I may not have the money to mobilise a huge movement, but I have ideas, dreams and some talent somewhere in me. It may not be a lot, but that's all I've got right now. And, for now, it is what I will give.

One quote that always inspires me is this one by Nehru, our first Prime Minister...

"A moment comes, which comes but rarely in history, when we step out from the old to the new, when an age ends and when the soul of a nation, long suppressed, finds utterance."

Happy Independence Day India!

Nature's Child

I'm a big nature lover. Not in the conventional sense. I don't know much about nature in terms of specifics but I love being outdoors, looking at the sky, the hills, the rain, the trees, grass (the real stuff!), birds, wildlife, the ocean... all of it. I'm reading this book on Sufism and I found this amazing letter believed to be written by Chief Seattle, one of the last spokesmen of the Native Americans, to the then President of the United States, George Washington who wanted to buy their tribal land. It's kind of long but if you have patience, I'm sure you will be touched. Here goes...

The President in Washington sends word that he wishes to buy our land. But how can buy or sell the sky? The land? The idea is strange to us. If we do not own the freshness of the air and the sparkle of the water, how can you buy them?

Every part of this earth is sacred to my people. Every shining pine needle, every sandy shore, every mist in the dark woods, every meadow, every humming insect. All are holy in the memory and experience of my people.

We know the sap which courses through the trees as we know the blood that courses through our veins. We are part of the earth and it is part of us. The perfumed flowers are our sisters. The bear, the deer, the great eagle, these are our brothers. The rocky crests, the juices in the meadow, the body beat of the pony, and man all belong to the same family.

The shining water that moves in the streams and rivers is not just water, but the blood of our ancestors. If we sell you our land, you must remeber that it is sacred. Each ghostly reflection in the clear waters of the lakes tells of events and memories in the life of my people. The water's murmur is the voice of my father's father.

The rivers are our brothers. They quench our thirst. They carry our canoes and feed our children. So you must give to the rivers the kindness you would give to any brother.

If we sell you our land, remember that the air is precious to us, that the air shares its spirit with all the life it supports. The wind that gave our grandfather his first breath also recieves his last sigh. The wind also gives our children the spirit of life. So if we sell you our land, you must keep it apart and sacred, as a place where man can go and taste the wind that is sweetened by the meadow flowers.

Will you teach your children what we have taught our children? That the earth is our mother? What befalls the earth befalls all the sons of earth.

This we know: the earth does not belong to man, man belongs to the earth. All things are connected like the blood that unites us all. Man did not weave the web of life, he is merely a strand in it. Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself.

One thing we know: our god is also your god. The earth is precious to him and to harm the earth is to heap contempt on its creator.

Your destiny is a mystery to us. What will happen when the buffalo are slaughtered? The wild horses tamed? What will happen when the secret corners of the forest are heavy with the scent of many men and the view of the ripe hills is blotted by talking wires? Where will the thicket be? Gone! Where will the eagle be? Gone! And what is it to say goodbye to the swift ppony and the hunt? The end of living and the beginning of survival.

When the last Red man has vanished with his wilderness and his memory is only athe shadow of a cloud moving across the prairie, will the shores and forests still be there? Will there be any spirit of my people left?

We love this earth as a new-born loves its mother's heartbeat. So, if we sell you our land, love it as we have loved it. Care for it as we have cared for it. Hold in your mind the memory of the land as it is when oyu receive it. Preserve the land for all children and love it, as God loves us all.

As we are part of the land, you too are part of the land. This earth is precious to us. IT is also precious to you. One thing we know: there is only one God. No man, be he Red or White Man can be apart. We are brothers after all.

-End-

I have yet to read something in which man speaks more respectuflly and lovingly of Mother Nature. And we should all be grateful for being one of Nature's children.

My Time

My favourite time of the day is the early morning. I love waking up after a good night's sleep around 5 am. I usually spend the first hour reading and reflecting. Reading something inspiring, drawing a lesson from it and finally, figuring out how I can integrate the learning into my everyday life.

It's a time I cherish. Being with myself. Free from the beeping cell phone, the pop-ups of the Internet, the doorbells... everything. Somedays I wont even read anything. If I catch an inspiring thought going through my head, I try and just stay with it.

The early morning rejuvenates me. It equips me to face the day ahead. And when it's followed up with a good game of football or a refreshing workout at the gym, I feel like I can walk on water. I'm two steps ahead. Of me.

Of course all this means I'm asleep by 10 pm. It feels like a sacrifice sometimes when I'm missing going to the movies with friends. But when I'm up the next morning, I usually feel like I made the right decision.

There's always the weekends when I let go a little. A good drink at Ghetto, a night out dancing. the late night movie on Saturday night or just coffee with the gang.

As someone once said, 'eternal vigilance is the price of liberty'.

My friend's make fun of me sometimes. But it's all good. I think we respect each other's lifestyles. I don't think the way I live life is the way other people should. It makes me happy and therefore I do it. If waking up late works for someone else, that should be cool. What's most important is that each one finds his or her space and pace.

Keep On Keeping On

What is it that motivates me to get out of bed every morning? I'm not entirely sure. But one of the things that keeps me going is this a question I try and ask myself every morning. And that is 'Am I a little better than I was yesterday?'

It's the one question that has always helped me change, remain open to new ideas and thoughts and improve as a person. I've heard all this talk about Kaizen and continuous process improvement in manufacturing but how about some Kiazen for our souls? Don't we need continuous process improvement at every level.

At the physical level, I'd like to be fitter with each passing day. Emotionally, I'd like to stop judging and accepting more people as they are. Intellectually, I'd like to be a learner for life. Spiritually, I'd like to overcome my ego.

Some days I do real good, some are OK and some are downright crappy. You know the type when you're lying in the bed, looking up at the ceiling and thinking 'What was I thinking?!?!'

But it's part of the process I think. The important thing is to keep on keeping on.

What motivates you to get out of bed every morning?

Overcoming Adversity

I've always wondered, what is it about overcoming adversity that catches our eye? Why is Lance Armstrong going to go down in history as one of the greatest cyclists of all time? Why will Sania Mirza be remembered as one of the greatest icons for women in India? What makes A.P.J. Abdul Kalam, the president of India, such a great man?

One of them has battled cancer to come back to become the Tour de France champion a record seven times in a row. The next has beaten the crippling, self-serving Indian sports administration, societal barriers and supposedly "religious" beliefs to become India's greatest women's tennis player (though she does have a long way to go to become a champion, but it's possible.) As for President Kalam, from a small town kid, he went on to become one of India's great scientists and most effective Presidents.

I love watching movies where ordinary men and women stand up, stare adversity in the eye and get the better of it. What joy to watch the underdog beat all odds to overcome the favourite. It's amazing isn't it?

To me, it's a message that we actually have it in us to do what we think we can't. Maybe that's why I relish being challenged. I love some situation coming up to me, knocking the wits out of me, standing back up and saying 'Is that all you got?'

It's that tenacious, never-say-die attitude that inspires me. Coz if it don't kill you, it only makes you stronger.

In the Fast Lane

The last couple of weeks have simply flown by. It's amazing how 'time' and its flow really depend on our experiences. I'm always reminded on those lines I studied from 'As You Like It' when I was in school 'Time travels in divers paces with
divers persons.'

Well, Time has certainly been galloping for me in the recent past. I've been busy with work and it's really been fun. In the midst of all this, I also applied for an MA in Ancient Indian Culture at Xavier's. I'm hoping it works out because I think I was a bit late applying for the program. Let's see how it goes.

This week is going to be a bit more relaxed. Which means I'll have more time to blog. Yay!

Final Touch

So my ex and me put the final touch to our break-up. I met her on Monday evening. She came over to meet my mom and me to pay her condolences and also because she and my dad were very close. She had become a part of the family. That's why the break-up was even harder when it happened.

She spent some time at home with mom and me and then we went for a long drive. I was wondering if she would get down to the serious stuff first so I waited for a bit. But it was me who had to get it started.

I told her I was sorry for the mistakes I made and that I never had any intention of hurting her. I had been true to the relationship till the very end. And then she said she was sorry too. But then she said something interesting. She said it wasn't my fault or her fault. 'We have changed', she said. We had changed so much that we would not be able to make each other happy. I accepted her point of view but I disagree fundamentally.

I don't think we can drop relationships just because the people involved change. Love is the basis of any relationship in my opinion and true love is unconditional. It stays for better or for worse. Your mother or father wont drop the relationship because you have changed. They learn to relate to you differently within the relationship.

Anyway, that's what happened. I told her I was grateful to God, her and her family for all the times we shared together and that I had grown as a result of the relationship. Which I really meant. I don't think she expected that. She even told me that the break-up had been easier than she expected it to be. She thought I would rant and moan when she told me. I didn't. That surprised her. And then she said she probably never completely understood me. Sometimes I wonder if that's a good thing or a bad thing. :-)

That's how it has ended. We've decided to be friends and I told her she could call me if she ever needed any help.

Strange how I've changed also. I used to think I shouldn't let myself go too easily. I should hold back a little, I thought. But I've learnt that if you do something, whether it's a relationship, a job or even cleaning shoes, give it everything you've got. Because if you don't, you are going to be the biggest loser.

Why?

I am disappointed and angry with the Government of India. How dare they blanket censor our blogs! If you're wondering why I haven't commented on your blog or updated mine, it's because some idiots sitting in the Government and the National Informatics Centre decided that blogs could create communal disharmony! That's the most ridiculous shit I've heard in my life. Agreed, there may be websites that churn out vicious stuff, but there are also those that promote peace and understanding. So why block out everybody? In fact, if there is a solution to terrorism, it's these selfish mo fo-ing politicians who try and divide people that should be sacked. So here's my solution Mo Fos! Why don't you quit your jobs in the legislature and let some people who actually know their asses from their elbows govern our country. Freaks!

Now that the frustration of not being able to blog has been vented let's move on to more interesting stuff. I'm happy to be back to Bloggerville. It's been a while. I haven't visited Godsleuth, RM, haathi, noojes and esprit's blogs for too long.

Work has been great these past couple of weeks. Its kept me on my toes and I've enjoyed it thoroughly. We did a program on Vedic philosophy for these young scholars going abroad for their Graduate education so that they know a little about our own Indian philisophy before going out there. It was fantastic.

I was in Delhi before that for another event that went off really well. So it was happy too :)

Besides that, my ex-girlfriend is in town for a break from her Phd program. I'm going to meet her this evening for the first time since she called it off over the phone. I'm pretty comfortable with it. Over it. And she's going to be a friend for life I hope. I suppose we're going to have to figure out how we're going to relate with each other going forward, if at all. Let's see how it unfolds.

I'm a little worried about my mom though. She has a difficult time going to sleep sometimes because her mind keeps going back to the day my dad passed away. The memories keep flashing in her mind. I know she will eventually cope but I'm hoping it's sooner than later. As for me, I'm OK talking about it. There are times when my mind flashes back too. But I truly belive what happened was the best for my father. He will be happier where he is. Of that I am confident.

I guess that's all for now. Will catch up on some other blogs now!

I am Jack's...

...insatiable spiritual thirst.

I watched Fight Club for the first time yesterday. (I know I'm like 7 years behind, sorry :) ) I was inspired to watch it after reading my fellow blogger's post, Esprit Noir. (Check his blog out when you have the time, great stuff.) So I called up the DVD guy close by and watched it last evening. It was mind-blowing shit. I now know why it was such a cult film. For those of you who've watched it, here's a quote from the movie I just love. For those who haven't watched it, please do. Here goes:

"Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off." - Tyler Durden

I'm fighting my war. Are you fighting yours?

My Buddies

I never got down to writing this earlier because so much has happened in the past month. I wouldn't have got through my dad's passing away without my friends. They were with me right from the hospital till late at night when we cremated him. I've known all of them from my school days at Campion which is 20 years now. Since I was five. And they stood by me when I could not have done without them. Every so often they'd come over and have a drink with my dad, talk about their careers or the women (or lack of them) in their lives. He was their friend and they were his friends. He always used to tell me how fortunate I am for having friends like I do. Not just that they're great friends but that we've stuck together for so long. We always have our disagreements. Cussing at each other and intensely personal revenge games on the PlayStation2. But we're always watching each other's backs.

I'll never forget how they helped carry my father's body to my place before the cremation and to the crematorium. Trust me, it's not easy.

Words are so insufficient sometimes. How do you tell people who have done so much for you just how grateful you are? I really don't know. But this post is my way of expressing my thanks. To whom? I don't know because they don't blog. Idiots :-)

No Turning Back

I've been thinking a lot about the way ahead for me. Yesterday's post was only a spilling out of what has been going on in my head for a while.

I can't turn back now. Quitting my job and pursuing philosophy and spirituality was a decision I made knowing I might come up against situations like this. I should have been better prepared for this probably. Anyway, this is what I want to do. And if it means compromising on lifestyle and what have you, so be it. I cannot make decisions based on fear and insecurity. That's a stupid way to live. The heart of the matter is that doing something other than this would be unfair to me. I'd be kidding myself if I thought a hefty pay package could compensate for missing out on something I love. No. I've got to put my fears behind, put my head down and work hard. The rest will sort itself out.

I'm making a pledge to myself today. That I will not compromise on my dreams. And that I will do whatever it takes to realise them.

To be or not to be, there is no question.

Slipping

I am scared and confused. Life seems so fragile after my dad passed away.

I quit my job last year to pursue a dream and I've been working towards fulfilling that dream since I left. I told myself I'm going to take the risk. The risk of being financially dependent on my parents and facing a whole lot of social stigma associated with doing something offbeat. Today, after losing my dad, I know I will not be able to pay my bills if something, God forbid, happens to mom. My interest lies in studying Vedic philosophy and communicating it through writing to others. Right now, I'm still learning, studying and understanding it. Far from being able to communicate it to anyone else. And I feel like I'm walking on thin ice. I'm doing what I love but my belief in it has been battered after losing my father.

Some nights I lie in bed wondering if I made the right decision by quitting my job in the first place. At other times, I think of all that is being presented to me as a challenge. Now it feels like I'm hanging by a very thin thread. A few hours ago, I was a 'send' button click away from sending my resume out for a job. But I decided against it. I don't want to make a rash decision.

I'm hanging on. Maybe this is a test of my conviction. Deep down, I know I can't give up on myself. Not now, not ever.

Football Therapy

I can't believe the World Cup is coming to an end. It's a World Cup I will never forget. Papa passed away on the day it began, 9th June 2006, my favourite team, Argentina, cruelly lost on penalties to Germany in the quarter-finals, Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard missed penalties, and it's all coming to an end this Sunday.

I remember watching the first few matches when I was still dealing with my father's death. It was my escape. For those 90 minutes, my mind was free from everything I had to deal with. Just the ball and 22 players on the football pitch running all over the place. I forgot about 'me'. I lived in the moment, the now, the here and savoured every moment. It was a spiritual experience.

It's all coming to an end soon. The indiscipline, late nights, the lack of sleep and exercise, irregular meal times and yes, the football. Come 9th July, I'll switch back to India Standard Time. Waking up early as I always did, exercising regularly and learning to live life in a new context. I'm looking forward to it in a way. And yet I'm not. When will I see those flicks, step-overs and a goal like Esteban Cambiasso scored against Serbia and Montenegro again? Who knows. But it's been worth every moment. Watching the beautiful game.

Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own

I was doing a bit of work and listening to some U2 when I came across this song (Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own). Beautiful lyrics. There's this opening bit which goes like this...

Tough, you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone
You're hard enough

You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight

Listen to me now I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

It's as if God was singing this song to me. It's the way I'd like to interpret it anyway. That's the beauty of abstract art forms like music, art and literature. The same thing can mean different things to different people. Coming back, it's a beautiful feeling when you know there's someone with you right through. Through life's humbling experiences, through highs and the lows. It's the wings of faith that have carried me through. I tried the agnostic bit way back in school. But there are just too many questions that are left unanswered and unanswerable. Faith makes you feel small and strong at the same time. Strange isn't it? Like life.



You never know where the road will take you.

Ajeya Returns

Yeah, it's time to move on now. I'm back and will be posting more often.

Just came back from immersing my father's ashes in the sacred river, Godavari in Nasik. It was a nice trip. We stayed at nice hotel nearby with the family and all of us enjoyed being there. On the way back, we stopped at this restaurant at Matunga called Cafe Mysore. Food to die for. I loved the South Indian fare. Rasa vadas, curd rice and the works.

Took some pictures with my newest technological acquisition a Samsung D600 with a 2 megapixel camera. Will post them later today when I have time to fiddle around with the phone.

Good to be back. Expect more comments on your blogs! :-)

Picking up the Pieces

Yesterday was the twelfth day ceremony we had for my father. We had a puja, prayer in Hindi, in the morning followed by lunch in the afternoon for family and close friends. It went off smoothly and it is supposed to signal the end of the mourning period.

I thought last year's break up with my girlfriend was bad. I had no idea what was in store for me though. Experiences like this break you at some level before you pick up the pieces and get yourself together. They make you stronger and you grow as a person I think. But right now, I'm still getting myself together.

I'm just grateful for all the time I had with my father and I've been blessed with more than I could ever ask for. I thank that unknown Power for giving me everything I have and above all, the strength to take life in my stride.

I'm going to go now. I doubt I'll be posting as regularly as I was for a little bit. Here's a song by Sting I love...

Let your soul be your pilot
Let your soul guide you
He'll guide you well

When you're down and they're counting
When your secrets all found out
When your troubles take to mounting
When the map you have leads you to doubt
When there's no information
And the compass turns to nowhere that you know well

Let your soul be your pilot
Let your soul guide you
He'll guide you well

When the doctors failed to heal you
When no medicine chest can make you well
When no counsel leads to comfort
When there are no more lies they can tell
No more useless information
And the compass spins
The compass spins between heaven and hell

Let your soul be your pilot
Let your soul guide you
He'll guide you well

And your eyes turn towards the window pane
To the lights upon the hill
The distance seems so strange to you now
And the dark room seems so still

Let your pain be my sorrow
Let your tears be my tears too
Let your courage be my model
That the north you find will be true
When there's no information
And the compass turns to nowhere that you know well

Let your soul be your pilot
Let your soul guide you
Let your soul guide you
Let your soul guide you upon your way...

Bye Papa

My dad passed away last evening. 9th June, 2006 at 5 pm. We took him to hospital in the morning to conduct tests because he was in pain and before we knew it, he was gone. It's all happened really fast. We cremated the body yesterday too and I had to perform the last rites.

We shared a beautiful relationship. He simply adored me and I, him. He wouldn't listen to my mother but he would always hear me out. I am really sad that he's gone. If there were two words to describe him, they would be 'a gentle soul', make that three. He kept to himself pretty much but the lives he touched, he touched very deeply.

Sometimes I would sleep in his room when Amma ('mother' in Konkani) was away and he would cuddle me, a full grown 25 year old, like a baby. And I would tickle him back. It made our day. He was like a friend. Advising me on what to do with women, discussing random stuff and cracking filthy jokes.

Fortunately, Papa didn't suffer too much. It started with a back pain last Saturday and culminated with death last evening. He lived life on his terms and he died on his terms too. And I am grateful for that. He died of an aortal aneursym (not sure if the spelling is correct) that was caused due to constant smoking over 30 years. We would always tell him to smoke and drink less. It would work sometimes and sometimes it wouldn't.

Do I have any regrets? Absolutely not. I loved him with my heart and soul. I was the one who tried to get him to change, to start living healthy while Amma was the one who would go soft on him. The three of us were great together.

While I am tempted to be selfish and feel sorry for myself in not having Papa around anymore, I know that he has gone to a place where he will be happier. He will get a fresh start (I believe in reincarnation) and get another chance to fulfil his amazing potential. It was best for him. And as I said earlier, he died dignified. No extra tubes artificially keeping his body alive while his soul was dead. He died a good man. A simple soul. A man who I will always look up to and someone whose spirit will be with me and Amma always.

I miss you Papa. Although every cell in my body wishes you were here with us today, I have faith that you had better things in store for you. Thank you for spending the time that you did with Amma and me. Our lives would have been poorer without you.

Mind over Mattress

I've been out exercising since Monday after a two week layoff thanks to my illness. The antibiotics really affected my stamina. I struggled on Monday at football. I couldn't keep pace towards the latter half and it was a bit annoying. I was pooped after the game. By the evening, my body was aching all over. But it was a 'good' pain. You know what I mean? When you've had a good work-out and busted your muscles. I could feel the stiffness so I spent a longer time stretching the following morning.

On Tuesday morning my body was still aching. The back of my legs, all the way from the back of the thighs to the calves were crying out. So I stretched it out and went for a run on Marine Drive. It was tough. I was hurting for the last quarter of the run but I had to complete it. And I did. Seven kilometres after a three week break from running was a lot. I probably pushed myself too hard and I was a bit tired during the first half of the day.

Wednesday was back to football again. A longer pre-game stretch and another tiring, but not as tiring as Monday, work-out. Less pain after the game and feeling the stamina coming back slowly.

Today, a six kilometre run. Much less pain. Stretching was a lot easier and the body moved a lot, no I mean A LOT, better. The flow is coming back and it feels great.

It's great to back to the exercise routine. I've had to push myself to get back into shape but it will happen slowly. It's a process :-)

Amazing what a difference exercise can make to life! A healthy body. Now for a healthy mind :-D

Rain, rain...

Rain, rain come again,
Don't be gone another day,
For oft I wait for you in vain,
Hoping to get away from the heat of May.

You make the green leaves shine,
Pouring from the heavens above,
Giving glee to some, causing others to whine,
Could there be a better season to love?

You cleanse much more than the earth,
Lifting the Soul and giving it mirth,
The clouds, they lose and yet we gain,
Rain, rain come again.

To Pune and Back

I went on an impromptu trip to Pune with the family. My uncle just shifted back to India from New Jersey so he decided to have a house-warming. We had such a blast! You know how it is, each person in the family has their own eccentricities and everyone laughs at each others.

He lives in this really nice apartment complex in this place called Baner Road with a pool, gym and the works. More or less self-contained. We got there on Saturday afternoon. Everyone was lazing around more or less. We went and visited an aunt who has been bed-ridden for a couple of months. That was a bit sad because she was one of those energetic, dynamic types bubbling with energy. I only hope she gets well soon. The evening though was awesome. The house-warming party began at 7.30. The guests poured in, some 30 odd people including what sounded like an army of kids! At about 9 pm, my whacked out uncle who lives in Pune came by. And that's when the party reached a whole new level. He had us in splits mimicking the funny mannerisms of people in the family. And that's how the party continued until we all passed out.

All in all, a good getaway from the city. A good break. Good to be back.

Big Picture, Small Troubles

The past couple of days have been tumultous. I've been totally uninspired and lacking motivation. Like a flat cola, you know? When it's been outside for too long. That's how I've felt. Just letting life happen to me.

So today I decided I'm going to pull my head out of my ass. Amazing how often it goes back in but hey, it's a process. So there are two ways I look at it:

1. What are my troubles now compared to the other challenges I've faced in life? Invariably the answer is 'negligible'. And even if the challenge is bigger than I've ever faced, I'd always back myself to come out of it stronger.

2. What are my troubles compared to those some other people face? Absolutely nothing. I really don't have much to complain about.

So it's all about where my attention is really. Why do I end up focusing on the lacunae instead of the sufficiencies? It baffles me sometimes. But when I do end up going through a bad phase, it always helps me to step back and take a look at the bigger picture. A change of perspective. And suddenly, my troubles seem so banal. They are. I know it.

Raindrops

Yes, the monsoon is officially here. The smell of wet earth, the vibrant green on the plants and trees, a great time for a nice trek and the time when the new academic year begins for thousands of school and college-going students. What fun!

The monsoon always reminds me of my first day in a new grade. The shopping that would precede the first day at school. The pencil-box with fancy buttons, the nice smelling eraser, the pencil that didn't need to be sharpened, gumboots for the rain. The list is endless. I'll never forget the suspense of finding out who our class teacher would be in school. It used to be such a huge event. We'd hope for our favourite teacher to become our class teacher. Sometimes it would happen and sometimes our nightmares would come true. But it was all part of the fun.

Then between classes we'd run down and splash dirty water on each other with our gum boots, play soccer in the garden behind school in our spotless white uniforms until we were caked with muck and run back up to class only to be disallowed entry for being dirty. Oh joy!

The monsoon is more than just another season for me. I take it to be symbolic of the cleaning I need to do internally. Weeding out the negative thoughts and desires and looking at life afresh, with new eyes and renewed enthusiasm. It reminds me of the return I want to make, the return to innocence.

Of Monsoon Clouds and a Summer Soul

"For him in vain the envious seasons roll, who bears eternal summer in his soul."
- Samuel T. Coleridge

Uninspired

I'm not really inspired to write anything today. It's been one of those dull Mondays. Stuff happening, work happening, but rather uneventful.

The forecasters say the monsoon is 3 days away. I can't wait for it!

While we wait the arrival of the rain gods, go burst some bubble wrap (keep your speakers on for full effect). Happy Popping!

Empathy

I can think of innumerable instances when I've felt 'Why does this happen to me?' While growing up, dating and bunch of other stuff.

I grew up in an apartment where my parents and me slept in the same room. My dad had a serious drinking problem. (He's cut down big time now) Not alcoholism. But bordering on it. And there would be days when I'd see mom get beat and cussed at for no fault of hers. So I'd go back to school on some mornings after a rough night at home thinking 'No one goes through what I go through.' (Don't get me wrong. I'm not here to pour my griefs onto you. I don't want pity.)

When I'd look around, I'd see these "happy" families going out for dinner on a Saturday night and feel sad for myself. As time passed, I scratched the surface to find everyone has their own problems. Someone had a mom who would watch crappy TV soaps all day and night and forget she had a child to take care of. Someone else didn't have a dad. And another kid whose parents were fighting over who he should live with.

Through these little experiences I realised that all of us have our own shit to deal with. The guy who cleans the cars, the lady who cooks the food, the boss at the office, the person you love and hate even... all of them have it. And it makes life a lot easier when you reach out to people, when you're kind, when you put yourself in the other person's shoes and think for that one brief moment before your about to judge someone. What would I have done if I had been the other person's place? People don't want pity or that I'm-OK-but-I-feel-sorry-for-you attitude. No. All it takes is a little understanding.

(BTW, my parents recently completed 31 years together and I love them both equally. My dad is a really great guy and my mom, words would be a waste to even try and describe what she means to me.)

Holiday Interrupted

I should've been on the train to Himachal Pradesh now. But I'm not. The afternoon before I am supposed to leave I get hit by this nasty viral infection and I'm laid low for a good three days.

I'm not sure how to react to this. Everything's so out of control. I've been looking forward to this holiday for months. And then some virus decides it's time Ajeya got beat. Sucks that it went so wrong. But I guess there's a reason for everything. Maybe my karma demanded this. Some advice, be careful about what you want. It might not be what you 'really' want.

There's a chance of getting there if I'm back to normal tomorrow and I'm hoping I've done something to earn this trip. If it doesn't work out, ah well, it probably wasn't supposed to happen.

Since I've done all I can to get better, I am just going to accept things as they come. Because it's not something I can control. Not now, anyway. And I'll close with a great quote from one of favourite movies, Jerry McGuire...

"Roll with the punches, tomorrow's another day." - Dicky Fox (Jerry's mentor)

Bring it on biatch!

Stepback

I'm going on a holiday and will be leaving tomorrow evening. It's going to be a nice break from city life. I'm going to an ashram in Himachal Pradesh and will be back on 2nd June. It's been a while since I've gone out of town and I'm really looking forward to it.

Being at the foothills of the Himalayas at a spiritual place. Pure Bliss! It's going to be good time to step back at take stock of my life. Haven't done it in a while. It will give some time away from family, friends, the Internet, my cell phone and the rest of my attachments. It's going to give me the space to introspect, look at what I'm doing right, look at what I'm doing wrong and figure out how to change.

I'm a loner in a way. Some of the most spiritual moments I've had have been on my own. Sitting by the sea, on a morning run, listening to soothing music and sometimes, just silence. I'm quite happy hanging out with me :)

So I'm off tomorrow and I don't think I'll be posting before I leave. So here's to a good couple of weeks for everyone! See you guys soon!

Snap!

I've spent the past couple of days in self-deprecating thought and it really hasn't been pleasant. But this is where it stops. I don't want to waste time thinking about what is lacking in my life. It's a stupid way to live life. Definitely not how I want live mine.

Something snapped inside me late this afternoon. I've got a lot going for me. I know we talk about it a lot and I know it theoretically. But it's a different ball-game putting theory into practice. I know I should focus on the positives. Any fool does. But it's time for me to stand up to my negative thoughts.

Time to move from theory to practice.

"It's not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what's required."
- Sir Winston Churchill

The 'H' List

This one's for Noojes. She's feeling down so I thought I'd try and brighten up her day.

She's given me a letter, 'H' and I have to list ten words beginning with 'H' explaining what the word means to me. Here goes...

Happiness: I came across this formula for happiness. It goes like this

Happiness = No. of desires fulfilled / No. of desires harboured

I've thought about it a lot and it seems to make sense. Go figure.

Health: It means a lot to me. It's about being healthy physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. But more literally, football, jogging/running and squash in the mornings.

Hanging Out: Chilling out with close friends at the cafe next door, drinking wine at Mondy's (weird huh? I'm not big on beer) and watching a movie at Sterling. (It sucks that its shut down!)

Heat: What we're experiencing in Mumbai and most of India right now!

Haggling: I detest bargaining and haggling over prices. Shopping on Colaba Causeway is NOT my scene.

How?: One of the questions I keep asking.

Heather Graham: Very hot!

Hmm... : Thinking about my next two 'H' words! :-D

Himachal Pradesh: One of the most beautiful states of India. And I'm going there for a holiday at the end of the month!!!

High... on life, on white wine (very rarely ;) )

Cheers!

I want to...

...be a better person everyday

...give my best to everything I do

...live my dream

...spend time with myself

...watch the sunrise every morning

...be as fit as I possibly can

...be a better son to my parents

...develop meaningful relationships

...cuss less

...be grateful for all I have been blessed with

...walk in open fields, on the mountains, at the beach and admire Nature

These are some of the things that are important to me. There are times when I act in a manner opposite to what I really want. But what's important is that I keep my chin up and keep trying. I'll get there someday, soon.

One Bad Choice

I'm pissed off with myself. I hate it when I'm not able to live to my standards. There are times when I'm doing good for a few days and then WHAM! I make one rrrrreeaallyyy stupid, lame, irresponsible choice (gritting teeth) that sets me back a long way.

It's like I take two steps forward and one step back. And when I analyse what I've done and try to figure out what ingenious thought led me to my brilliant decision, all I can come up with is 'What was I thinking?!?!?!?!!!' Shit on my face!

Now that I've vented a little on myself, I'm feeling better. :)

One of the problems I've faced in my life is a lack of consistency. I do pretty good in bursts and then screw it up for myself every now and then. I do eventually move towards an objective or goal, but a lot slower than I would like to. It's something I really need to work on. A bit of discipline and mental alertness is what I need probably.

And then my buddy Oscar comes up with a wise one to confuse the hell out of me...
“Consistency is the last resort of the unimaginative” - Oscar Wilde

*sigh*

Six Months

It's been around six months since my long-time girlfriend and me broke up. I still don't know why it happened. I wanted it continue. But I suppose life had other plans for me. It took me a whole year to get into the relationship completely. And then it went on for another four and a half beautiful years. I turned from being someone scared to express my feelings into a carefree soul.

When she decided to take it one step further, I was hesitant. But I went along. Only to find myself standing alone four months later. She started the relationship and ended it and I don't know why. I hold nothing against her. But there are days when it hurts. Today is one of those days.

I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through
And then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe
That there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say
I would do it all again
Just want you to know

Sorry about the bout of self-pity. It's not like me.

More than 'Just Kebabs'

One of my favourite restaurants in Mumbai is shutting down. A place that I've visited atleast once every week for the past two or three years.

This Sunday will be the last business day for 'Just Kebabs'. The owner, Jaideep, is a good friend now and a die-hard football fan like my buddies and me. We have spent many an evening together discussing the future of European football clubs and analysing the strengths and weaknesses of our favourite players. And to say goodbye to all that so suddenly hurts a little (I'm lying, it's a little more than a little). I've gotten attached to the place, the ambience and I-don't-give-a-shit attitude that the restaurant has. Sometimes you'll hear country music, at other times jazz and on Saturday nights, techno even! You'll hear Jaideep pulling up his staff for being inefficient, overhear chatter from the next table and smell the food fresh out of the tandoor. Simple, not the run of the mill McDonald's factory food, uncommercial and laid-back. It's a place with character.

I don't find places like Just Kebabs too often. I don't think I will. In an age of KFCs, Pizza Huts and the rest of the crap that goes around as 'restaurants', it's these little islands of genuine foodies that struggle to survive. I feel sad. Sad that places like this have to shut down when you have a Domino's popping up at every street corner. And all I can do now is recommend a visit to Just Kebabs (for those of you in Mumbai) before Sunday. (The telephone number is 022-22819555.) I'm going to miss it. Because it was always more than 'Just Kebabs'.

Feet on the Ground

I belong to a section of society that is truly experiencing the economic revolution taking place in India. From a period of scarcity, we are slowly moving to an age of abundance. And with it, the unwanted side-effects of obesity, overt consumerism and an insatiable thirst for more.

One of the things I want to retain is the ability to live simple and to enjoy the simple things in life. While I may acquire more, I want to be able to enjoy everything I acquire. So yesterday I did something I haven't done in a long, long time. I travelled by the local bus. I did it knowing I could afford the cab ride home. But every now and then, I like to remind myself of my humble beginnings. I enjoyed it thoroughly. Interacting with the king of the bus, the arrogant bus conductor, the pushing and jostling to get onto a crowded bus and the sights and sounds as we drove by the streets of Mumbai.

Little exercises like this help me keep my feet on the ground. They help me keep my needs in check and focus on the important things in my life.

Is this real?

Sometimes, when good things happen to me, I think 'Is this really happening?' I mean, it's weird. There have been times when I've tried really hard to get something or change something and it just hasn't worked despite my best efforts. And then, out of the blue, after I've almost forgotten about it, it works out!

Those are moments when I need to pinch myself to make sure I'm awake. It doesn't happen as often as I'd like it to. (Yeah, life can be a real bitch! ;) ) But when it does, it's like magic!

I was just thinking about this when I came across this beautiful quote...

"Nothing is too good to be true, nothing is too good to last, nothing is too wonderful to happen." - Florence Scoville Shinn

So the next time something surprisingly nice happens, I'll try and take myself out of the way and just accept it, gratefully! :)

Tagore's Birth Anniversary

Today is Rabindranath Tagore's birth anniversary. He remains one of Modern India's greatest thinkers. A poet, educator, romantic, spiritualist and a seeker, may Tagore's thoughts and words be an inspiration not only for generations of Indians but for people the world over.

Below is an excerpt of Tagore's dream for India but I would take it to be for the world at large. In today's age of restricted thinking, rote education and commercialism, his words are a reminder for us to keep believing in all that is good.

Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high
Where knowledge is free
Where the world has not been broken up into fragments
By narrow domestic walls
Where words come out of the depth of truth
Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection
Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way
Into the dreary desert sand of dead habit
Where the mind is led forward by Thee
Into ever-widening thought and action
Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake.

And here is another spiritual couplet from Gitanjali, Tagore's monumental work on devotion and love...

"When one knows Thee, then alien there is none, then no door is shut. Oh, grant me my prayer that I may never lose touch of the One in the play of the many."

What a thought!

18 'til I Die

Age has always been just a number to me. I can still do most of what I did as a kid. I can run in the open without a care in the world, play football like my life depended on it, party hard, play video games with my 10 year old cousin, read kiddy books, watch kiddy movies... but the good thing about being where I am is that in addition to all that I can appreciate a mature relationship, admire nature, understand myself better and drive my own car!!! I've decided I'm not going to age.

Recently, I had a bad fall while playing football. So I went to the neighbourhood doctor for an injection and he asked me which grade I was in. It was hilarious. I told him I graduated from college a few years ago.

My body may age but the one thing I will not allow is my spirit to grow old. I often turn to this little essay that appeared in Reader's Digest '91 by Samuel Ullman. It's about 'Youth' and it is something I have grappled to my soul. Here goes...

Youth is not a time of life; it is a state of mind; it is not a matter of rosy cheeks, red lips and supple knees; it is a matter of the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigour of the emotions; it is the freshness of the deep springs of life.

Youth means a temperamental predominance of courage over timidity of the appetite, for adventure over the love of ease. This often exists in a man of 60 more than a boy of 20. Nobody grows old merely by a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals.

Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, fear, self–distrust bows the heart and turns the spirit back to dust. Whether 60 or 16, there is in every human being’s heart the lure of wonder, the unfailing childlike appetite of what’s next and the joy of the game of living.

In the centre of your heart and my heart there is a wireless station; so long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, courage and power from men and from the Infinite, so long are you young.

When the aerials are down, and your spirit is covered with snows of cynicism and the ice of pessimism, then you are grown old, even at 20, but as long as your aerials are up, to catch waves of optimism, there is hope you may die young at 80.

I will die young.

Catching Up

I caught up with some ex-colleagues last evening. It was wonderful. We spoke like we did at our office lunches, cracked stupid jokes and generally discussed how the company we worked for is getting sucky with crazy policies like having specific hours to use the pantry and canteen. I mean WTF! Are we back in school or are we going to be treated like mature adults?!? I mean what are we going to have next??? Fixed times to take a dump?!?!?! Dang! That pissed me off even though I don't work there anymore. I thought the company was different. Turns out it's just another corporate sweatshop. Freaks! Anyway, we did watch Ice Age 2 and laughed our guts out.

Although I enjoyed the movie, I think the first part was better. My favourite character is Manny, the mammoth. Close seconds (and I mean rrrrreally close) are the possum brothers, Crash and Eddie. Man, they really cracked me up! Especially after Manny hits on Ellie, the female mammoth. Freakin' hilarious!

I love animated movies! But I have to say my favourite is Shark Tale. Nothing to beat a vegetarian shark who has a mafia Dad!!!!

What's your fave animated movie?

May You Be Blessed

I came across a beautiful short movie called 'May You Be Blessed' while browsing through some blogs.

If you're heart is open and your mind is ready, I guarantee it will touch you deeply.

Thanks Alexys for leading me to it! And for those who watch the movie, let me know what you think of it.

What is it about love that is so amazing?

I've thought about this question many times. I'm a complete romantic and I always wonder what it is about this love thing that is so beautiful.

One of the many conclusions I have arrived at is that love helps you take the focus off yourself. You do things for someone else, your happiness lies in the other person's happiness to a great extent and it keeps your mind focussed on something other than just your own needs.

I've often reflected on the highs in my life (love is one such high) and observed that when I have lost myself, when I've almost forgotten the 'I' existed and just enjoyed the moment, those highs have just happened.

Does anyone else feel that way too?

Makes you think...

Often things you read make you question the world, yourself and your beliefs. This little write-up is one of those. Click here to read it. Enjoy!

A Peaceful Sunday Evening

It was a beautiful Sunday, this last weekend that went by. I spent some time on my own. Went to a football game at Cooperage alone. So much fun, so much passion! Nothing like the kick of watching a live game. No amount of analysis and TV replays can replace that. Anyway, the game ended in a draw but it was end-to-end action.

That done. I ran along to a friend's house at Cuffe Parade and sat around shooting the breeze until they decided to watch Southpark episodes. Now I like a lot of American TV shows but Southpark is just too ridiculous (at times) for me. I'm not saying it's a bad show, I'm saying I don't like it. So while they watched Southpark, I sat near the balcony watching the shimmering lights lining the Arabian Sea. It was great. Just silence interspersed with the sound of the waves crashing on the rocks. And there were no thoughts running through my head. None that I was conscious of atleast. I sat there for a loonggg time, just taking it all in, the silence, the sound of the waves, the beautiful Mumbai skyline...

The simple joys of life! :)

My Morning Mantra

I've been listening to this mantra for a while now. It's the first thing I listen to on my way to the football field in the early morning. It's from the Rang De Basanti soundtrack and its called 'Ik Onkar'. Listening to it sets the tone for my day. It has such peaceful, soothing vibes. It's indescribable!

So the other day I googled it for the meaning and found out it's part of the Japuji Sahib (A mantra chanted by Sikhs). It was when I read its meaning that I understood why it gives so much solace.

This is how it reads...

Ik Onkar, Sat Naam, Karta Purakh, Nirbhau, Nirvair, Akal Murat, Ajuni Saibhang, Gurprasad

Translation
There is only one God. His name is Truth. He is the creator. Sans fear. Sans enmity. Eternal. Unborn. Self-effulgent. Realized by His divine grace.

Listening to it keeps me humble and grateful. Pranaam to that unknown Divine power.